Torn
by CodyRhodesFan
Summary: //High school fic.// Jeff’s just bitterly eloquently broken. //Hardycest//. C-C-C-COMPLETE.
1. The Band

**Here is my newest love and addiction.**

**HARDYCEST!**

**I know. Me and Hardycest…either it's expectable or it's completely and totally unexpected. I love Matt and Matt/Jeff? Perfection!**

**I might be preoccupied with other fics to update here but I'll try. **

_**NOTE: HIGHSCHOOL fic. Just in case I forgot to put it in the summary.**_

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1 – The Band

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He's around thirteen years old.

Jeff Hardy has never really been noticed and even with natural blonde hair and pretty little green eyes that anyone could fall into, Jeff's never been noticed and he thinks that stepping in the band will just make everything better and as Randy Orton comes towards him, Jeff's heart threatens to burst out of his chest.

He'd been crushing on Randy Orton ever since he laid his eyes on him and Randy's the band leader, it's what makes Jeff want to be in the band more than anything and all Jeff wants to do is touch the smooth muscles of Randy's chest and kiss him and hold him and he'd do anything to have him rub against his body and _oh, Jeffy, aren't you just hopeless?_

Jeff doesn't even know how to kiss and Randy's known for going a little too far in his first few dates and Jeff can't even bring up the courage to ask him out on a date because of his fear of having Randy's lips press against his and Jeff not knowing what to do at all and as Randy holds onto Jeff's shoulder and leans down to his ear, having his seductive little voice enter Jeff's ear, "there's another session at midnight. Be there. My house."

Midnight?

Jeff wants to open his mouth and scream and tell him that Matt will never let him go out after six and all his dates have to be under Matt's supervision and Matt doesn't even let him think about going out after midnight, much less let him but Jeff's head only bobs up and down, nodding in agreement.

Randy slips his address in Jeff's pocket and Jeff's heart explodes having Randy's perfect arm run down his back and the little touch is all that Jeff can think about as he steps back and nods his head at Randy and clutching at his guitar, he feels his phone buzz and he sighs, knowing it's none other than Matt.

Jeff walks out of Adam Copeland's garage, one hand pressing his phone to his ear, the other clutching his guitar oh so protectively and the sound of Matt's voice burns into Jeff's ear, "where the hell are you? You told me you were going to a guitar session! That couldn't take more than an hour."

Jeff's thoughts are still onto Randy Orton as Matt's concern buzzes out into his ear. He usually hates how Matt's concerned about him and Jeff couldn't do shit with Matt around, looking after him, calling him every hour of the day, and Jeff usually wonders about Matt. Doesn't he have anything better to do? Doesn't he trust me? It always hurt when Jeff thought of trust. He's as sure as hell that Matt doesn't really trust him if he's so protective of him.

_It always hurts. It always hurts._

Jeff walks towards his and Matt's house, and it's his prison and all he wants to do is get out. Matt has him trapped as trapped can be in there and Jeff glances at the clock, it's almost around four-thirty and Jeff's head pounds at the heat of the day and he feels nauseous as the acid knots in his stomach twists so very violently and he bends down to relax for a moment's time.

Another call from Matt.

"Jeff, where the hell are you? It doesn't take you ten hours to come from Mike's house! It's doesn't even take you ten minutes."

"Sorry. It's so hot."

"I told you! You should've listened to me."

"Yeah, I should've."

"Is there something wrong, Jeff? You usually don't agree with me—"

"What the hell is wrong with you? When I don't agree, we just fight around and when I do agree, you wonder why I don't agree?! Why can't you accept—"Jeff stops to run to the nearest bin and throw up, "why can't you—accept…" he tries to continue his sentence but he's just so damn tired and out of it, and the heat's so very unbearable and his stomach just flips so very violently.

"Jeff? You okay over there?"

"I'm not a baby anymore, Matt! I can handle this!" the shouting makes his throat go dry and he feels like there's acid running down his throat as he dizzily steps back towards the street and grabs onto a pole and he looks around and he guesses that no one's really stupid enough to go out in this heat _you won the medical for stupidity. Congratulations, Jeffery Nero Hardy._

"Jeff, you don't sound so good. I'll pick you up at Mike's. With this bitch weather…"

"I'm on my way, okay? I know what I'm doing. Why don't you fucking trust me, Matty? I can cross the street. It's not that far off." Jeff hangs up before Matt can continue his words and he wipes the sweat that's collected off his face and he starts walking through the street. Mike's house is in the same neighborhood, just two to three houses down from the Hardy household, but Adam's house takes an hour by car and he knows that.

After an hour of walking, Jeff leans down towards the pavement and feels the acid swish through his stomach, bringing his guitar close by and looking up at the sky. It's just so freaking hot that Jeff doesn't think that he can sweat anymore. His body's soaked with sweat and he's burning a fire inside and all he wants to do is call Matt and take him home but Jeff doesn't want to surrender to Matt—he's always surrendered to what Matt wants to do but not this time, even if it kills him.

Jeff takes his guitar, dragging it behind him, as he looks at the sky as it starts to turn to night and even with the sun gone, the humidity still sticks in the air and as Jeff finally reaches his house hold of what feels like an eternity of walking, he knocks onto the door, "M—"his sentence is cut when Matt grabs onto Jeff's shoulder and basically drags him inside of the house, throwing him towards the nearest couch.

"Where the hell were you?" Matt's voice's dead serious and the nausea in Jeff's stomach sloshes even harder at Matt's glare. His hard brown eyes are burning condensing brown and his face's so pale that Jeff feels like Matt's dead, "Jeff, answer me!"

"At Mike's!" Jeff exclaims, standing up and staring at Matt's face angrily. "Don't you trust me?"

"Trust you?" Matt has to choke the words out. "I thought you were dead or something! I called the damn police and after an hour of standing by the doorway, you don't show up! You think that I can trust you after that?"

"Like you trusted me before!" Jeff interjects. "I'm not your toy! You can't keep me in and keep me out. I don't freaking belong to you, Matt! I need a life and you're keeping me from getting one."

"You're thirteen years old; you're not supposed to have a life!" Matt exclaims with all the anger and rage and fury a person can carry in his voice.

"And you? What about you? When are you ever going to get a life, Matt? I seem to be the only thing you ever do. I can't approach other boys because I know that I can't even kiss right!" Jeff realizes what he's said and shuts himself up instantly; looking down at his feet and feeling himself burn on the inside from horror of what Matt might do to him.

"You're _gay_? Just great!" Matt's sarcasm drips as he leans down to his baby brother and lifts his head so that they're eye to eye and face to face, "what did I do wrong? I taught you good, didn't I?"

"It's not your fault, Matt. I'm just like this." Jeff finds himself have to choke out the words and they're so soft that Matt can barely hear them.

"Go to your room," Matt simply spits out, acid in his voice and Jeff nods his head before running upstairs and locking the door, sitting down onto his bed and running his hand through his long blonde hair. He's trapped into this prison of his and he doesn't really let Matt come into his room.

His walls are painted black.

For the prison effect he's going for.

_Not much of a good imagination, Jeffy, huh? _He throws his guitar on the floor and flops down onto his bed so that his eyes are locked to the ceiling and he doesn't know how long he's spent in here just thinking but he guesses it's been such a long time that Jeff's lost track of time and Matt slowly pokes his head into the room, holding a tray of cheese sandwiches, and kicking the door shut behind him.

He places the tray down on top of his drawer. "Hey, Jeff…I know that you're as angry as Hell that I'm so overprotective of you all the time but you're my responsibility, Jeff and I need to take care of you. At all times. I can't let you make the same mistakes I did and I'm supposed to look out for you. That's my job."

_Same words he says all the damn time._ Jeff only nods his head and takes a sandwich from the tray, taking off the edges of the sandwich, not liking the brown parts of the bread and Matt sits down next to him, doing the exact same thing before biting through one, "hey, listen, tomorrow I might take you out. Would that make you feel any better?"

"No," Jeff snaps. "Just get the hell out of my room."

He's hurt you too much and you can't handle it all the time. Matt sighs before standing up and kissing his brother's forehead, knowing that Jeff will be fully perky and happy in the morning; he walks out of the door and closes it shut for Jeff's privacy. Jeff grabs onto his key to close his door shut before looking out the window and grinning to himself, clutching one hand to his guitar and the other to the window, he keeps one hand gripped tight onto the window as he jumps to the other side and looking down to see the grassy backyard, he just hopes that he doesn't get hurt as he lets go.

He falls down in pain, his guitar still clutched firmly in one hand and his back hurts as hard as ever as he stands up and the humidity makes his stomach feel the nausea again as he looks at the address from the note and his head just spins from horror; that far away? He takes his cell phone and calls Randy, his thoughts now on the perfection of Randy's body and his smirk and him and his pain melts into those thoughts.

"Hardy?"

"Um…your house's too far away."

"Take a car or something."

"I'm thirteen. I don't have a driver's license."

"I don't have a damn driver's license and I still drive in the car. As long as you're out in the dark, no one will really notice. Besides, you're tall and look old enough, just smooth your way out if they ask you for a driver's license."

"But I don't have a car."

"You got that hot looking brother, right? He got a car."

Jeff's cheeks flush deeply in anger and he nods to himself, remembering Matt had always kept his keys at the couch or something, he walks towards the living room window and opens it halfway, taking the keys and running to his brother's black Chevy, opening it up and shutting it hard, grinning a wide smile of success as he tries to drive, but finds it difficult now that he doesn't know the controls and his success fades as he finds it hard trying to stop.

He's thirteen years old.

And he's driving his brother's car.

Matt's going to slay him when he gets home and finds out but now, he's just all the rage as he tries to go through the streets, knowing them all by heart, remembering those times he spent at the back of his brother's car as Matt runs his errands, always home before it's six and watching him do his homework.

His homework.

"Dammit."

He's not an A-student but he doesn't want to fail. He's forgotten to do his homework when Matt had sent him to his room and _no wonder why he doesn't trust you. You don't do anything half right, do you?_ And as Jeff stops towards Randy's house, running towards the house for his guitar session.

After the session, Jeff's become too uneasy for words, knowing that's it's past two in the morning and Matt might be awake and—Randy's hand grips onto Jeff's shoulder and he tries to hide the tension as he looks at the older boy smirking at him, "hey, Jeffy, didn't you had the guts to come here with your brother's car."

"Yeah, me too," Jeff wants to slap himself but he doesn't and instant, has a shaky nervous smile planted on his face.

"You need a ride home? You looked like you were going to cry when you got out of the damn car," Randy comments as he tells Adam to take Jeff home and as Adam grins, taking Jeff's hand and leading him back to Matt's car, Jeff's only thoughts are on Matt and he hesitates, thinking that Matt will actually ban him even more and as the ride ends, Adam opens Jeff's door and throws Matt's car keys to him. Jeff slowly creeps in, thinking that he's okay, clutching onto his guitar, he puts Matt's keys onto the couch and sighs to himself before hearing a sound that makes Jeff's body fill with fear and horror and terror.

"And just where have you been?"

_Matt! Matt!_

Jeff doesn't need another word as he takes a deep breath and braces for what's to come.

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**That was long.**

**This story writes itself.**

**It's just fun to write it. VERY fun.**

**Man, I have so many ideas. I wonder when I can write them all. Yeah, seperate stories idea. Maybe after I finish another fic or something.**

**Review?**

**;) Sam**


	2. Alcohol Kisses

**Hmm…can't seem to get my hands out of this fic.**

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2 – Alcohol Kisses

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"And just where have you been?"

_Matt! Matt!_

Jeff doesn't need another word as he takes a deep breath and braces for what's to come. But as he smells the scent of alcohol whipping the truth the air, his stomach twists acid as hard as ever and he feels himself being pushed up to the wall and Matt's mouth's attacking Jeff's so very hungrily.

Jeff's eyes widen in horror and terror and his first kiss is his brother and as Matt's tongue moves around in Jeff's mouth, Jeff's heart sends out a bang of horror but Jeff likes the sweet taste of his brother's mouth and he likes the alcohol mixing into the bitter honey and Jeff shakes himself back to reality when the acid knots into his stomach burn so deeply inside of him, guilt, horrid guilt.

"Oh Jeff," Matt's hand snakes up to Jeff's belt buckle and he rips it off, making Jeff scream in horror and anguish and Jeff's pants fall down and Jeff just knowing that his brother of all people wants to do this to him and Jeff takes Matt's shoulders and a "stop!" rips out of Jeff's mouth as Matt's mouth covers his again and Jeff's tears run down his cheeks.

Matt rips his brother's boxers and smirks. Matt's hand stroke Jeff's dick, soft, gripping tight to make Jeff scream, Matt's mouth covers Jeff's…

"Matthew Moore Hardy!" It's his father's voice.

Their father's hand hold onto Matt's shoulder and he pushes him to the opposite wall oh so violently and Jeff looks down at his shoes, trying to stop the springing tears from running down his cheeks and Gilbert's eyes are on Jeff as he wipes Jeff's tears away and glares at Matt. "Jeff, did he touch you? Did he—"

"N-no," Jeff says in a cracked voice.

Gilbert gives his son a hug, running his fingers through Jeff's hair. "If he comes anywhere near you again, I swear…"

"He was drunk," Jeff tries to defend his brother. "He was drunk and he wasn't thinking right. He would never do this to me if he wasn't."

"It doesn't give him the right to take advantage of you, Jeffery," Gilbert runs his hand through his son's hair. "Now, you go upstairs. It's late. I'll talk to Matt later on. You just go and rest."

Jeff walks upstairs, confused and scared as he leans down to his bed, not knowing if he'll ever see his brother the same way again—having his brother's mouth cover his, having his belt get ripped off so violently, having his brother's tongue inside of his mouth—it just makes him feel so very scared.

He falls asleep with thoughts of horror raking through his head.

"Hey, Jeff! Wake up!" It's Matt's voice and as Jeff's eyes slowly flutter open to see Matt standing there, with no memory of yesterday or anything that happened yesterday and Jeff can see that in his eyes—it's the same old routine again but Jeff knows that he'll never look at Matt again without remembering how he kissed him.

Jeff stands up, with an aching back and a want to run away and cry and—"something up with you, Jeff?"

"Huh?" Jeff snaps out of his trance, and his voice's so worn out and all he wants to do is go to sleep and erase all those stupid memories from his head but he can't and he knows it better than anyone.

"Look at you," Matt says; touching Jeff's cheek and looking deep into his eyes, "you look like Hell."

Jeff closes his eyes and try to pretend that Matt's hand isn't on his cheek and that he isn't as close as close can be and all he wants to do is scream but as he opens his eyes, Matt's face turns pale. "You crying, Jeff?"

Jeff wipes the tears from his eyes and looks down at his feet, feeling the acids inside of him collect and twist all at once, and he looks back at Matt with a quivering lip, "No. I'm fine, okay?"

"Really, because I've never seen you—"Matt's voice is so worried and concerned.

"I'm fine, okay?!" Jeff exclaims and his shoulders are shaking and he remembers the lust and the want in his brother's eyes, holding onto his pants, wanting Jeff inside of him, it just makes Jeff shake off the agony of knowing that his brother would do that to him. "Get away, Matt."

"Is it something I've done?" Matt says, leaning down to his brother, being so close makes Jeff close his eyes.

All he could remember.

"_Oh Jeff," Matt's hand snakes up to Jeff's belt buckle and he rips it off, making Jeff scream in horror and anguish, knowing that his brother of all people wants to do this to him…_

"Jeff?" Matt holds his hand close to cheek, hoping that Jeff would stop shaking.

_Matt's hand stroke Jeff's dick, soft, gripping tight to make Jeff scream, Matt's mouth covers Jeff's…_

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Jeff exclaims, standing up and running off in last night's wrinkled clothing, running towards the door and trying to open it but his nervousness makes him unable to open the doorknob and he knows that his father's gone to work and he sees as Matt walk towards him, Matt's hand grips onto Jeff's and Jeff's head shoots up to see a concerned yet angry Matt.

"What the hell is going on?" Matt asks.

"Nothing," Jeff tells him, "just a bad nightmare."

But no nightmare can be and feel that real and he knows it. Matt's hand holds onto Jeff's shoulder, bringing his brother close to his chest, hugging him, "you can tell me about it."

Jeff wants to run off at the touch once again but he decides not to and shakes his head. "You don't need to know," he whispers, sinking his head to Matt's shoulders.

"You don't need to go to school today, Jeff," Matt decides. "I'll go call the school. You look like Hell."

Jeff falls down onto the couch as Matt exits the room and Jeff ends up staring at the ceiling, wondering if Matt will figure this all out. He is sick. He's sick and tired of being around with Matt all the time and the added fear just makes it all worse. Matt gets his backpack and looks back at Jeff, "will you be okay alone for a while?"

Jeff nods his head.

"I'm sorry, Jeffery, I'm not leaving you with the house key. Dad won't come home until after 10 and I'll be back at 3, won't I? I promise. Just go around the house." And as Matt closes the door, locks it and the silence enters the atmosphere, Jeff's thoughts are all on recovering.

* * *

It's around five o'clock.

Matt finally walks inside of the house and opens it, making a sleeping Jeff jump and Matt locks the door behind him and as Matt looks back at Jeff, he smirks so very seductively and Jeff's eyes widen as Matt leans down to him, with the scent of vodka cranberry at his mouth, Matt crashes his lips towards Jeff, gripping so very tightly onto Jeff's body and as Jeff realizes that his nightmare's come to life, he tries to push him away but Matt's harsher and kisses him harder.

Jeff pours into the kiss and as Jeff realizes it, he pushes aside the fact and kisses back, having Matt lean backwards.

Matt laughs, holding Jeff's cheek. "You need to learn how to kiss, babe."

Jeff's eyes simply widen as he nods his head and Matt's hand is around Jeff's waist, bringing him closer, "put your hands around my neck."

Jeff puts his hands around Matt's neck, feeling the sweat at the back of his head, and Matt leans down to kiss Jeff and as they fall into a perfect kiss, Jeff leans back, feeling Matt's breath on his face, alcohol heavy on his breath. "That-that's better," Matt says, breathlessly.

Jeff knows it's wrong to like it but he likes it. He likes feeling Matt move from above him, he likes his brother's breath on his face; he likes it oh so very much that it hurts and he doesn't know what to do.

And as Jeff moves away from Matt's embrace, he notices that Matt's asleep and he looks at his brother and he tries to push the feelings away. He knows that the last thing he needs is to fall in love with his brother but the way he kissed him, they way he held him, it's just perfection in every way and he's never felt so close to a person.

He feels as if they're hearts are sewed to one when Matt's kissing him.

And he knows that beyond everything, they can't be together.

He looks down at his feet and walks away, leaving his brother asleep, and when he returns two hours later, with a guitar in his hand, trying to sneak away to practice after getting a text message from Randy about coming over, Matt's groans finally arise and Jeff looks back at his brother as his eyes flutter open.

"Jeff?" Matt's voice is louder than usual as he sits up. "I didn't think I gave you permission to get out and at this time."

"I'm just going over to Mike's for a bit. Homework." Jeff explains, and he's happy that the best quality in him is knowing how to lie so very easily before Matt raises an eyebrow before nodding his head.

"Be back at six exactly," he tells him.

Jeff nods his head. "Okay…Matt, can I ask you something?"

"What stupid question is that? Go ahead," Matt stretches and stands up, feeling the worn out feeling fade away.

"Why were you drunk?" Jeff asks, and he almost regrets asking the question, thinking of Matt shouting at him and screaming at him and before Jeff can open his eyes, Matt stares at him shockingly.

"You know about that?" Matt inquires.

"Y-yeah," Jeff responds. "You were drunk yesterday, too."

Matt remembers yesterday and the excessive drinking at ten, right before he had gone to bed and then—just nothing as he nods his head. "Yeah, I was. Listen, I'm going through some rough stuff, okay? Don't get mixed up in alcohol like me. You're a good kid, Jeff."

Jeff only nods his head before he walks away to Randy's house, running as fast as he could so that he can get there in time and when he's reached there, he's so out of breath that he has to sit down during the practice and afterwards as Randy comes up to him, smiling seductively as he leans down towards him, and cupping Jeff's face, "hey, never noticed how cute you are."

The excitement of having Randy touch him has faded and Jeff only wants it to come back. He doesn't want to fall for Matt and he knows it. "Thank you," he smiles at him.

"Hey, after our first performance at Friday, we're going out to eat to celebrate, you in or you out?" Randy's hand runs through Jeff's cheeks but he's right, all the magic is gone and he only wishes he's looking at Matt's eyes and he shakes the thought out before nodding his head, hoping that he'd go back to normal and crush on Randy. _When were you ever normal, Jeff?_

When he comes back home, he finds Matt sitting down onto the couch and looking at him, "you're late." Matt reminds him. "Go do your homework."

"Okay."

"You're not complaining?" Matt asks, raising an eyebrow.

"No," another shocking answer that's left Matt confused.

"What's wrong with you, Jeff?" Matt stands up, walking towards him, as Jeff walks upstairs and looks for his homework sheets but having trouble finding them, "you usually argue or something."

"I know," Jeff replies.

Matt's eyes turn shocked. "What was that nightmare about, Jeff?"

"Nothing!" annoyance finally builds up in Jeff. "Do you like us fighting? Do you want me to fight with you?"

"No! But you're freaking me out. You usually fight around with me!" Matt exclaims.

Jeff turns dead silent and Matt finds himself walking outside and when Jeff can't find his homework sheets, he slams the door shut and flops down onto bed and falls asleep, and even though he doesn't want it, his dreams consist of his brother and this romantic scent of him in the air and just…perfection.

_

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_**Review?**

**;) Sam**


	3. The Rules, Jeff, the Rules

**Hmm… I seriously can't take my hands off if I tried. People who are reading my other stories, I'll try updating. I'm just too into this one. I must work on it. Every time I try to work on another story, I find myself having to open this and if I open this document up, then I'll just get distracted and do it.**

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3 – The Rules, Jeff. The Rules.

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It's around six o'clock.

Jeff stares at the clock and back at the crowd where Matt's smile's sticking out and his beauty's making Jeff's heart explode as he looks back at Randy and nods his head. Their rock music plays, striking music, and Jeff keeps skipping his strums, staring at his encouraging brother's hard brown eyes and slowly, they melt along with the music around him, and as Matt's eyes melt into this warm chocolate brown color, Jeff's heart melts along with it and he finds himself at ease.

After the show, Jeff goes backstage only to be met with his brother's hug, and Jeff melts into Matt's arms, "you did it, Jeffy! You did it. It was amazing. We should go out and celebrate, Jeff."

"About that…Randy already invited us to celebrate," Jeff explains sorrowfully.

He sees the anger in Matt's eyes but Matt decides to let him go. Just this once. "Fine," Jeff's heart thuds with disbelief, "but be back home by ten." Three hours? Matt usually won't let him an hour alone with his band but now, three hours? Jeff cracks a smile as he nods his head before he runs off to the other few, holding onto his guitar harshly.

"Thanks, Matt," Jeff says warmly.

"Whatever, just remember, _ten_." Matt firmly empathizes. "A minute later than that and I'll slay you alive, Jeffery Nero Hardy."

* * *

Jeff sits down onto the restaurant chair, hearing the laughter of his fellow band members. And after their laughter, they're all staring at Jeff and Jeff only wonders about what could they be staring at and what and—his thoughts dissolve into nothing when Adam talks. "You're a _virgin_?"

Jeff nods his head, "yeah. I'm only thirteen. Besides, Matt's always taught me to save myself until marriage."

They all break into laughter and Jeff's cheeks burn bright red and he wonders about what he's said and what's wrong with it _what isn't? Save yourself until marriage?_ Jeff feels his stomach twist as a sign of just get out of here Jeff but he stays there for the rest of the conversation.

"You on crack or something? Save yourself until marriage? What the hell?" Adam inquires, cracking a smirk. "You're not a princess! This isn't a fairy tale. Get into reality."

"I would. It's my brother." Jeff finally confesses and sinks down onto his chair. "He won't let me do anything!"

"Yeah, kid, we figured that out when he's like 'be back by ten'," Randy explains, and looks at Chris Jericho, who basically doesn't shut up and now his mouth's too filled with food to try and speak. "Even Chris here was shocked."

"And I know everything," he says with gritted piles of food in his mouth, and as he swallows, he grins. "Jeff, we need you to lose your virginity. Do you know how shameful it is for a boy in our band to be a freaking virgin for God's sake?!"

"Y-yeah," Jeff stutters, taking a taste of his food, but tasting almost nothing because his thought's only on the conversation.

"I'd give you a week or so," Randy says, 'you gotta lose it, man. Men like us aren't afraid to lose anything, you get me?"

"I get you, Randy," Jeff almost whispers, and he feels like he's so under pressure as he drops his fork and looks around and his innocent eyes just reflect on what he's feeling on the inside: innocent. And he feels like everyone needs to shatter the innocence inside of him. A bigger part of him wants this. He knows that this might make him un-love his brother and he knows that he wants to be normal and feel normal more than anything else in the world—everyone loses their virginity sometime, and Jeff's just earlier than most, right? Is that it?

"You know that any of us can be good candidates," Randy says, pointing from Chris to Adam to himself and then winking at him, "you know that we won't do anything to hurt you."

Jeff's starting to doubt that. He feels as if everything just wants to crush him onto bits and pieces onto the ground and just say that 'we wouldn't do anything to hurt you' and he knows that he's heard it too much from his own brother and he doesn't want to be crushed anymore and he wants to explode inside from the feelings that are overtaking his body and he wonders why everyone's always giving him rules and he wants to be free from the cage that he's in.

Randy stands up and Jeff's thoughts scatter around from his brain and Jeff's eyes are on Randy as the high school boy grins, "yo, Jeff, me and the guys are going for a party. If you come, we'll promise we'll get you home by ten."

The other two burst into laughter and they nod their heads in agreement.

"Oh, I'm going alright," Jeff answers and he feels as if he's made a big mistake and there's just so much anger inside of him that he wants to let out and his emotions are battling in his head and around his heart and just freaking everywhere and he doesn't think that he can keep pooling in all these emotions anymore _you've always been like this, haven't you? _

* * *

It's midnight.

Jeff's had his first bottle of alcohol.

Jeff's had his first taste of overdosed painkillers.

Jeff feels dizzy and lightheaded.

Jeff's driving home.

Jeff walks inside of home only to be met with a sober Matt and the lightheadedness doesn't go away and the emotions are still building up inside of him and as Matt's so angry that he punches Jeff in the stomach and Jeff's pinned to the wall. "Jeffery Nero Hardy! How many times do I have to tell you to come home?! Midnight?! You've got school tomorrow. You're going to be tired and-"

Matt's cut when Jeff pulls him close for a kiss, hard and harsh, tasting every bit of Matt and all Matt can taste is the alcohol and the aftertaste of painkillers and Matt gives Jeff another hit in the stomach, making Jeff cringe in pain. "Oh, Matt…"

"Jeff, you crazy?! I can't kiss you! You're my brother! Just what you get for being gay. You sick, twisted people. You… get the hell out of that band. _This_ is just why I won't let you go out!" Matt exclaims, and the anger and rage in his voice fades away after a while as he leans down to Jeff's face. "How many times do I have to tell you that alcohol is a grown up thing? That you're a good kid and I don't want you to make the same damn mistakes I made?"

Jeff looks at Matt and there's acid in his throat and all he can do is stare at Matt. "I love it, Matt. I love breaking the rules. I love being wrong. I love being the bad kid for once. I love the forbidden stuff, Matt."

"No, you shouldn't," Matt spits out and holds onto Jeff's shoulder, "I don't know what I've done wrong but I messed up big…what did I do wrong, Jeff?"

Jeff's eyes burn with anger because he knows the freaking answer to that question and he's eye to eye with Matt and all that he can see is Matt and he grits his teeth but the words flow out anyways. "What did you do wrong? What did you do right? You've kept me locked up in this prison for as long as I can remember! You won't let me breathe wrong and you won't let me make mistakes so I took off. I took off not because I hate you or anything, just because I want to make mistakes! I want to be crazy! I want to be normal, Matt! I want a life!"

"Do you think that I don't?!" Matt exclaims, grabbing onto Jeff by his arm and pulling him so that the brothers are eye to eye, close and close. "I spend all my times trying to make sure you don't mess up that I don't even have a social life! You know that I'm doing this just because Dad can't. I don't want you to end up in some sort of accident and kill yourself or any of that. I need to keep you safe."

"Why don't you trust me?" Jeff snaps at him.

"Because I trust you once and this is what you do to me, Jeff and you can't prove that you're good enough to be trusted." Matt replies and Jeff starts walking away and Matt simply walks behind him, following him. Jeff turns back to face Matt and then, he grabs onto Matt's head, not knowing why he's doing this again and he kisses him, feeling Matt reject the kiss and push him off, Jeff looks down.

"Jeff, don't you get it, you fag?" Matt snaps.

Jeff hears that word and hearing it from his brother makes him want to tear up on the inside as he runs towards his room and slams the door shut and Matt tries opening the door but Jeff won't let him inside of him, ever.

"Jeff! JEFF!"

"Get out of my life, Matt! I don't need you anymore! I swear I don't!" Jeff stomps his foot onto the ground and falls down onto his knees, feeling weak and scared, wanting nothing more than to understand why he'd done the things he'd done and all he wants to do is scream and he wonders how'd this all happen and he curls towards the door, shaking and trembling, wanting to suppress the pain but it only makes Jeff more empty on the inside.

_Aren't we always empty, Jeffy?_


	4. No Way

**Sorry that I'm not updating on '**_**Torn'**_** anymore.**

**I guess I don't know how to commit to more than two stories. :P I hope that I can though. I love my stories and I want every one of them to be finished.**

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4 – No Way

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Jeff's body moves through his sheets as he tries to sleep.

Why does he brother—of all people, call him a fag? It just hurts Jeff. And he wants to die just knowing that his brother hates the hell out of him. He shuts his eyes tight and let the silent tears pour but in two minutes, his tears are gone and his face's pale and the only thing that makes him feel easy had been the light.

The moonlight.

He stares at the moonlight and shakes.

"I'm sorry for what I've done, Mommy…I didn't want Matty to hurt me…and I've done a wrong thing."

He just wishes that his mother can forgive him.

He closes his eyes and his hands go to his belt as he tightens it around his waist. All that extra running to cover his lies had left him thinner than usual and all that nausea had made him skip meals as he takes his hat and pulls it towards his desk.

He hears the sound of Matt click open his door as he walks towards him. And from Jeff's eyes, he sees that Matt's eyes are bloodshot and puffy, circles around his red eyes, as he lies down beside him. "Matty, have you been crying?"

Never in all his life, had Jeff seen Matt break. Never.

It just doesn't happen.

Jeff lays his head onto Matt's lap and Jeff presses his arms around Matt's waist, making Matt shake and shiver. "Oh, Jeffy…"

"What's happened to you?" Jeff says, suddenly scared as he sits up and touches Matt's head, kissing his nose and it makes Matt press Jeff closer to him. "What's wrong with you, baby?"

Matt's staring out into space. As if he can't believe this is happening to him. Out of everyone.

Jeff stares at him, confused. "Matt?"

Matt touches Jeff's cheek, "I'm sorry."

"What do you mean—?" Jeff asks as Matt stands up and walks to the door, alerting Jeff and sending a heart bomb into Jeff's chest and he runs towards Matt, standing in front of the door and staring at Matt. "Matty! What's going on?"

"I…I'm sorry."

Jeff doesn't realize what's happening until Matt says those words, "goodbye."

"Goodbye?! What do you mean?" Jeff asks.

"Dad signed me into foster care. He thinks that I'm the worst brother ever and wants me to go into another freaking life. He doesn't want me to stay around you. He told me…that I touched you." His face is plastered with disgust—disgusted so much about what he'd done and he steps away. "I'm sorry, Jeffy."

"No! I can't lose you!"

Jeff's head is spiraling.

How can his life change in a second?

He doesn't want it to!

He doesn't want to lose his Matt!

He watches as Matt slams the door behind him and Jeff feels faint and dizzy and so very lightheaded as he slowly steps back and falls down onto his bed. His brother, Matt, gone—forever.

He suddenly feels dead on the inside.

His father had taken away his heart.

Ripped it out of his chest and is stomping on it. The pain is throbbing so very hard. Jeff lies onto the bed with his heart thudding so very violently inside of him as he stares up at the ceiling.

He just holds up his brush and he paints.

He paints with blue and black.

Matt's favorite colors.

And he throws the paint onto the ground, seeing the mixture of blue and black onto his rug as he falls down onto the floor, staining his clothes and the back of his head, sobbing and tearing on the inside. "Why did this have to happen to you, Matt?" he whispers to the thin air. "W-why?"

There's just no way that he'll be Jeff ever again.

There's just a new person growing inside of him.

Changing him.

Because Jeff Hardy is dead.

And this new person is just a mystery.

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**I had made a _huge _twist in this chapter so I'm sorry if it's short. But it's still an update, isn't it? **

**;) Sam**


	5. Through Black and White

**Another update. Don't know what else to say.**

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5 – Through Black and White

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Jeff rolls over his bed and falls down onto the floor. Hitting his head hard, he takes a quick breath and looks up at the ceiling. He has nothing now except for his band and without a blink of an eye; he would've traded that too for Matt. They had truly ripped Jeff into pieces when they had taken Matt away and he'd do anything to get his brother back.

He shoves a picture of his brother inside of his backpack, just in case he feels lonely, and during the past week, he'd dyed bits and pieces of his hair into black and blue, with a streak of red. He slips into his brother's black pants, boots and tank top and looking back at Matt's closet, Jeff notices how black it is.

How really black it is.

He never really spends any time in Matt's room but the way it seems like, it scares Jeff to no end. He has a bunch of posters around of Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Puppetmaster… horror movies, Jeff watches as he looks down onto the floor and sits down onto Matt's bed. Matt's always liked horror movies for some reason.

And now, Jeff's living a horror movie.

_And he'll love watching it…_

He deserves this.

He's never liked anything that Matt's ever done to him and now, all he wants is Matt back, despite everything. It's all he wants right now.

But he can't have him back.

And nothing can change that.

And he's lost his chances to tell him that he's sorry and that he wants him to stay, that could've made a difference.

Jeff shuffles his feet around Matt's room and he doesn't hear Matt's voice telling him to stop playing around and to just go to school because he'll be late.

Jeff sighs. He's already late and his life's in shambles anyways, so why should he care? With his back slouched and his eyes pleading, he walks away from Matt's room and steps out into the blazing hot sun, and he doesn't really care about the nausea or the pain anymore and he feels so very dead.

It's like his body's working.

But his brain's blown a fuse.

He can't think straight and he doesn't think he can.

Jeff stops when he reaches his school, a frown still paints on his lips as he walks through the school doors and people stop to stare at the new look that Jeff has, that punks style he's perfected to the bone as he puts his things into his locker and starts walking to class but stops in the middle and looks back at his shoulder to see Chris Jericho walk right beside him.

"Jericho?" Jeff asks.

"I see you like to fit in," he says, sarcastically and Jeff doesn't answer him as he walks away, shoving people out of the way.

Chris follows him around without any question and takes Jeff's shoulder in his hand, staring deep into his eyes. "What's wrong, man?"

"What's right?" Jeff asks, feeling the agony slipping off his tongue but he can't handle the pain and he can't bottle it and he doesn't even care anymore. "My brother's in foster care…my brother…"

Chris smiles. "That's great news!"

Jeff's heart crumples at Chris's words.

"Now, you can do things without worrying who you're with. You can do the things you've always wanted to do, Jeffy!" Chris exclaims, and grabs onto Jeff's hand before he has a chance to respond and drags him away but in Jeff's mind, all he can see is blood from the posters on Matt's wall and all he can smell is the faint scent of Matt's cologne and all he wants is Matt back.

He doesn't care about the real.

It's like he's completely died on the inside.

He doesn't know who he is or what he is anymore. It's like Matt's the very thing that controls him and keeps him sane. Even if it means keeping him on a leash.

And now, Matt's gone.

His father's rarely home for working too many hours.

His mother's dead…

Matt had been the part of his mother that's always looked after him and now, he's lost the best of his heart and he doesn't think he can live on without letting another person step onto the little broken pieces of his rapidly bleeding heart.

Jeff doesn't know how he goes through the day. His thoughts are about Matt and Matt only. It's like he's dead. It's like he's gone forever. Jeff just wants the day to end so he can curl under his bed and whimper and die there, holding onto his teddy bear like a six year old because he cannot imagine living with Matt.

He goes through band practice like it's a chore.

Everything's a chore.

Even breathing is a chore.

Because he doesn't want to breathe anymore.

He wants to be suffocated and just drop dead, because God's making him suffer too hard and the nausea and the pain are numb to him right now and he feels so inhuman. So cold on the inside.

He doesn't know who he is anymore.

He's a mystery to everyone and everything.

And he dyes his hair colors only because he wants to feel like there's a color in him, like there's something painting him and that he's not completely black.

Jeff walks out of the school, with his report card in his hand, and he feels as if he's a failure in life and he wants to walk home and see that somber look on Matt's face as he tells him to go up and take a shower because he's stepped on mud on the way home and he chuckles at the memory before he looks back at the card in his hands and rips out the envelope.

They're all D's. One is even an F.

He doesn't really care as he shoves the envelope into the trash can. He's already suicidal and he doesn't have to worry about stupid letters when he thinks that he can just drop dead any minute.

He stops in the middle of the road and looks around for every foster care he can in the neighborhood and he shakes his head when he realizes that he can't find anyone or anything anymore.

He walks into his house and sits down onto the couch.

As if waiting for Matt.

No one shows up.

Jeff grabs onto a vase and crashes it down.

"Matt?"

No one.

He won't believe this. He will not believe that his brother's gone forever. He just can't. It hurts too much. It's too much pain burning inside of his spine. He doesn't want to feel like his brother's gone forever.

He just doesn't.

And even if it's true or not…

He lays on his back on Matt's bed and looks at the ceiling and it's the first time he's ever seen an artistic nature in Matt Hardy because his ceiling's painted. With strips and strips of red waves and little dots of black and dark blue. And just a faint hint of green smearing as a line across the red.

Red.

Blood.

Green.

Nature.

Black.

Darkness.

Dark blue.

Nightmares.

Then something clicks in the back of Jeff's mind. These are Matt's most favorite things. He's obsessed with horror movies, even if he doesn't want to admit it. From blood to darkness to nightmare and green…Jeff's eyes threaten to well up.

Green.

For Jeff's eyes.

He rolls to his side to look at something else but is met with a black board having pictures of Jeff and Matt together. Jeff hits his head backwards to the hard wood and all he can think about is how much haunting this room is.

He wants to leave but he can't.

There's something holding him back.

He knows he wants Matt back and this room is every inch of Matt's being. This is where he sleeps and eats, this is where he lives and roams, this is the niche of Matt's existence and Jeff can't have Matt—so he takes what he can get. He sees a tape on the bed and looks at the tape's warning.

_**WARNING! This tape contains graphic blood and violence.**_

That's slightly strange.

None of Matt's other tapes have this warning.

Jeff slips the tape into Matt's VCR and steps back before jumping back onto the bed again. It's not a few moments before he finds himself watching a horror movie and Jeff's eyes threaten to pop out of his head as he runs to take the tape out. This scares the hell out of him.

The nausea in Jeff worsens as he stands up and runs over to the trash can, leaning down, he throws up, hard, and he feels the bile still in his throat, along with acid and vomit and all that burns into Jeff's mouth as he looks back at most of his other videos. They just don't have a warning label on them.

He slips the tape inside of his VCR and he jumps onto Matt's bed again, the nausea still in his throat as he stares at the scene in view.

There's a boy there, standing there, with a knife in his hand, gripping tightly.

And the scene goes into a blood, and graphicness. The knife goes to a woman's hand and he slips it down onto her throat, instantly killing her. The boy's around fifteen or so. That sends a shiver down Jeff's spine and as he walks the killer's face, pale at the streak of the moonlight, Jeff pauses and walks towards the screen.

He looks so familiar.

Jeff shakes his head as he goes into Matt's drawer and takes a picture of fifteen year old Matt.

Even through the black and white video, Jeff can tell that the killer and Matt's fifteen year old picture looks _exactly the same_.

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**Another twist… **

**Why do you think Matt's so overprotective of Jeff anyways...?**

**I hope that you liked this chapter. I know. A huge twist but it was nagging me.  
**

**;) Sam**


	6. Scared

**I got the whole plot in my head. Let me just say that there will be a ton of twists.**

* * *

6 – Scared

* * *

Jeff's scared.

Is his brother really a killer?

He shakes the thought out of his head but it comes back into his head as he slips into his father's room. This is the room of his father, his best friend, his blood, his flesh, and all at once, his worst enemy, after taking Matt away, after throwing him in Matt's hands for thirteen years and then ripping Matt out of his hands just when he needs him the most, and he still leaves Jeff all alone in the house.

He's so empty inside right now.

_Don't know how to fill yourself up, do you, Jeffy?_

Truthfully, he doesn't.

The pain never stops.

The agony never takes a rest.

The horror keeps on replaying in his head.

His brother's a killer.

His innocent, overprotective brother is a _killer_.

Jeff's heart pounds in his chest as he tries to forget about it and pushes the thoughts away but he can't.

It haunts him.

Destroys him.

Cripples him on the inside.

And he can't really do anything about it but watch himself break as he lies down onto his father's bed and rolls to the side to find a slip of white paper peeking out of a drawer and he takes it off.

It's his brother's foster home.

His heart thuds.

A smile finally paints on his lips but he can't feel it because he's become so numb to smiles and laughter and the feeling of being emotionless just tugs Jeff in his back, clawing towards his heart as he looks at the paper in front of him, feeling his heart burn at such a fast pace and he can't calm down.

He's going to see Matt again.

Part of him is thrilled.

Most of him is scared.

He's scared of his own brother.

_What kind of a person are you, Jeffy?_

* * *

Matt Hardy peeks out of the window of his foster home.

He'd been here a while.

And he'd been staring at the window for a while. He'd never walked out of the foster home. No one really takes an interest in a boy who looks like him. And they had taken his clothes away because they find it too violent, they had made him wear white, such a pure color, such a black person burning on the inside of Matt.

And when he'd ever take showers, he'd take off his shirts and they'd all gasp at the scars and blood that had condensed and burned on Matt's back. He feels so disabled. Having something so obvious burning in his skin. This is why Matt always shuts the door and locks it when he's changing—he doesn't want Jeff to know.

He fears of Jeff knowing this.

His innocent little Jeff.

_No_.

He'd never let him know. He'd rather die than let him know about the corpses and the blood and the—just thinking about it had made Matt lie down onto the ground, holding onto his head, as he feels himself slip off into another world.

Where everything's perfect.

But he's always awoken by the sound of screaming.

And sometimes, he just wakes up in the middle of his sleep because he's so damn used to it.

He'd wanted alcohol. He'd wanted to breathe. He'd wanted Jeff back but he can't have anything anymore.

So he settles for pain and misery and despair.

Because that's the Matt Hardy way.

And he knows that as he stares out the window.

Can he imagine that Jeff's there?

Oh, his imagination must be getting better…

Because he could've sworn he'd seen Jeff's body in the shadows, moving freely and his eyes glance at the clock. 12:30.

At night.

Matt stares as he opens up the window halfway and lets Jeff step inside and his heart thuds as he realizes that Jeff's really there.

Because his brain can't make anything beautiful.

Much anything this beautiful.

"Matt! I've missed you so much," Jeff hugs him, holding onto his brother's body and catching a glimpse of Matt's scars from his back and then he jumps up onto Matt's bed, if he can call it a bed, and stares at Matt with the fear that's overtaken him as he remembers the killer videos and that this Matt had probably killed so many by now.

He could've just killed Jeff right then and now.

"Jeff…?"

"I-I want you to come back home." He doesn't look at Matt. He's scared he'd remember those videos. He's scared he'd remember the knife piercing through the bodies. He's just so very scared.

"Jeff, look at me."

Jeff reluctantly stares into Matt's eyes.

_The knife stabs inside of Matt's victim, making her instantly fall to the ground and a smirk burns into Matt's face… "You freaking deserved it…"_

Jeff looks away and Matt's heart burns with horror.

He can't know. Can he?

"Jeff, what's wrong?"

"Dad…the house…it's just scaring me that you're not around anymore."

Lies. All lies.

"You'll have to get used to it…" Matt tries to assure him and he wants to hold onto Jeff and tell him that everything's going to be okay, but he can't because he's afraid that Jeff will get a better look at his back and now that no human being can possibly have them just like that. "The foster home wants to assign me to a family…they're taking me to _Canada_."

* * *

**Left you with a cliffy.**

**You can't blame me!**

**I love cliff hangers. And oh, this is going to be a LONG story... I know it.  
**

**Review??**

**;) Sam**


	7. I Won’t Believe

**I know. My damn cliffhangers.**

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7 – I Won't Believe

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Jeff stares at him.

He's sure he's not hearing what he's hearing. His Matt will never leave him right? Jeff's heart thuds quickly in his chest as Jeff tries to grasp onto the concept of these words but he can't and he knows it as he bites down onto his lower lip and he'd cry but he doesn't want to seem weak.

At all.

No more weaknesses.

He stares at Matt, with pain stirring in his eyes, horror burned eyes and he can't really do anything about it.

He'll have to watch his Matt get ripped out of his hands.

And he doesn't think he can handle it.

Jeff's heart thuds in his chest. "Matt…no…"

Matt's eyes are concentrated on Jeff and he shakes his head. "I deserve it, Jeff. I'm going to go off to Canada where the most amazing thing is probably an ice hockey match…Jeff, I deserve this."

"No," Jeff says, walking over to him and hugging him, hard and Matt is so motionless. He's hurting the person he cares for the most and it's stabbing him in the back. He tries to feel alright but he can't.

"Canada, Matt?" Jeff repeats.

"Canada," Matt can't believe it himself.

He's motionless and emotionless, that's the way his body and face anyways and they've always been this way. It's just like Matt. To look motionless. To look emotionless. But inside of him, he's more shattered than anyone could be.

Matt takes Jeff off his body and looks at him. "Matt…?"

"I'm sorry," Matt whispers and Jeff's heart's stabbed all over again as Matt takes Jeff's hand and walks back to the window so that Jeff can look outside. "I don't belong out there, Matt. Don't make me go out of here."

"Jeff, you have school tomorrow."

Jeff's face pales and he shakes his head. "Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Is it…?"

Jeff's heart bangs. Matt doesn't even know that date. Jeff takes Matt's hands and brings him back to his bed. Matt slides down onto his bed and Jeff sits down, putting his head on his lap. "Please, tell me that you're joking."

"I would never joke about this, Jeff," Matt assures him.

Jeff shuts his eyes, 'it's easier to believe it's a lie."

Matt's heart pounds in his chest as he brings Jeff's head closer to his stomach, making Jeff instantly clutch onto Matt's black sleeveless shirt and Matt doesn't really care as Jeff's eyes flutter open, to show the tears running down them. "I don't want to let go of you, Matt. How long do you have?"

"Two weeks. Then they'll take me away for sure. They just want to give me some space to try and adjust to the idea," Matt responds and he feels as if he's robotic because nothing coming out of his mouth makes sense to him anymore.

"Can't you speak out? Can't you tell them that you can't go?"

"I can." Matt admits. "But I won't."

"Why?!" Jeff suddenly screams, his eyes reflecting his broken soul and his jaw dropping as he stands up and steps back and he doesn't believe that he's heard those words right. "Why won't you tell them?!"

"Because…" Matt's voice is soft and broken, 'I can't stay here forever, Jeff. I'm a bad influence on you and I know that I don't want to go but I have to. You'll do better off without me."

Jeff stares at him, in disbelief. "Jerk!"

Matt's heart thuds with pain as the tears fall off harder, thinking that Matt wants to leave him while Matt doesn't want to hurt Jeff and believes that separating them is one of the best ideas ever.

"Bastard!"

"Watch your language, Jeff!" Matt says in awe, as Jeff's eyes pierce through Matt's body. Violently. Horribly.

"My language is English." Jeff snaps back at him.

"Come on, Jeff. Tell me what you think. Because I know that half of those words are meaningless," Matt suddenly says.

Jeff's rage boils in him. His fury burns. "Killer!"

Matt's heart almost stops in his chest when he hears those words. Jeff knows. Jeff's seen. Jeff… Matt's heart thuds harder into his chest when he realizes that Jeff's really scared of him on the inside. And maybe in denial.

Matt feels a pit down his stomach. Hard. Painful.

"Oh, Matt…I was angry…I'm…I didn't mean it…"

"You know about those videos?" Matt responds, coming closer to Jeff and the action makes the Hardy boy jump and step back. "You know about how I've let the knife glide down her back, how I've killed her…?"

"Matt, stop!"

Matt doesn't and he only walks closer to Jeff, making him press his own body against the wall. "Please, Matt…don't scare me…"

"I have to, Jeff. You have to realize that you don't need me around. That I'll only make your life a living hell!" Matt's tearing up on the inside as he tries to plaster anger on his face instead of the brokenness that's shattering inside of him.

Jeff slips his bag out of his arms and places it in front of his head, as protection but Matt only stares before he lets the words slip off. "Get out of here, Jeff."

Jeff runs out of the room, striding his back, running from horror as the replaying flashes of his brother slashing his knife down the girl's back throws him unbalanced and he falls down, panting, trying to breathe…

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**Um…yeah…I updated! :) Getting anymore interesting? **

**;) Sam**


	8. No Good

**I love this story…so much.**

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8 – No Good

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Jeff walks towards the foster home again.

No matter how scared he is, he will not let his Matt get away from underneath his fingers and he knows that he's missing practice again but he wants Matt and he wants to make sure that Matt doesn't slip away from his fingers and he will not watch Matt walk away to another family. Ever.

"Jeff, I'm no good for you."

Matt's eyes are pure and soft, the hard chocolate brown eyes are now melting when he'd seen his brothers again.

"You're not scared of me?"

"I won't let you go away," Jeff says, walking to him and then hugging him, feeling Matt's hot body from underneath him and he doesn't complain. He needs his brother's touch and even Matt squeezes his body in want and love, Jeff lets his tears fall off. "I don't want you to go, Matt…you're my brother…"

"Why'd you see those tapes?"

"Matt…"

Matt arches his eyebrow.

"Kiss me."

Matt's heart thuds as he throws Jeff to the floor, making him land with a thud and he stares up at an alert Matt, pale and brown eyed as he stares down at Jeff. "Jeff, please! I'm your own brother!"

"You're not here!"

Matt leans down as he takes Jeff's body and holds him, putting him down onto a bed and running his hand through Jeff's hair. "I'm sorry."

The pain burns.

The horror reels through his body.

The fear burns.

The agony twists into his body.

Jeff takes Matt's head and kisses him, tasting every bit of his brother's real taste, a faint taste of honey and a hint of cinnamon as Jeff presses against Matt's body and the pain's still there and the horror of him kissing a killer is there and the fear of Matt killing him is there but he doesn't really care anymore.

Matt finally submits as he presses his body on top of Jeff's and they're both pressing their bodies and staring at each other's eyes, pouring themselves into each other, loving the taste of each other.

Jeff's mouth presses towards Matt's ear and the cold breath and the scented air. "Do it, Matt. Do it. I don't want to be a virgin anymore."

Matt jumps up to reality as he realizes what he's doing and he realizes the actuality of Jeff's words. And his heart thuds hard into his chest, thinking about Jeff's innocence. His sweet, pure innocence, being ripped from him and all Matt can do is watch Jeff give himself away to anyone—even his own brother.

What had he done?

Why did he suffocate Jeff so hard?

Why did he let Jeff do this to himself?!

His heart thuds violently in his chest as Matt holds onto Jeff's back and presses him to his body, stroking his back. "It's alright, Jeffy. You're just confused."

Jeff doesn't really understand why Matt's like this.

Why can't Matt accept the fact that Jeff's in love with him…?

Jeff feels as if there's something wrong with him as he reaches in for another kiss from Matt which Matt quickly declines as he steps back, seeing the pain in Jeff's face. Rejection. Painful rejection swirls through Matt's eyes.

Jeff's tired of being hurt.

All that Matt can do is pretend that Jeff's not really hurt.

But he is.

And the truth behind those eyes only cripples Matt's heart on the inside.

"Jeff, you want to be like everyone else. You're being pressured by the crowd and I get that. Jeff, what did I do wrong? What made you want to push their rules in front of your eyes? Don't listen to them…"

Jeff suddenly understands what Matt's going through as he shakes his head; in horror that Matt would dare say that he wants to be the same when he lives to be different.

"Matt, you know that I live to be different than others!" Jeff's eyes break softly as he stares at Matt's face, the dark color of his eyes sparks sweetly, as Jeff's eyes burn with pain and agony and desolation. "I…I love you…more than I should…I love you enough to give you all of my heart and I don't care if you crush it in pieces, Matty…I—"

Matt cups his hand over Jeff's mouth.

"Please, Jeff…just leave."

Jeff stands up and walks away, letting the tears flow from his eyes as he looks down at the watch and he realizes that he hasn't eaten in a while but he doesn't really care anymore as his head pounds and the nausea sloshes around his stomach.

He wants to go home.

Yet he doesn't know where home is.

It's all so vague and surreal.

He wants to wake up from this nightmare.

__

A black figure in the shadows looks through the pictures of Matt and Jeff…

A picture of Matt kissing Jeff…

A picture of Matt stroking Jeff's dick…

He grins.

Soon, his plan will take place…

He'll destroy Matt's life as Matt had destroyed his daughter's. He'll destroy Matt's life as he'd destroyed all of his family.

"Run, Matthew…"

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**How is this chapter? Good? No? Review?**

**;) Sam**


	9. School Horror

**It's one of the stories I love updating and I'm totally addicted to.**

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9 – School Horror

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Jeff walks down the school hallways and notices that there's a white piece of paper wedged in every one of the locker and as he rips it out of his locker, he sees eyes all on him, shock reeling through their eyes.

"Slut!"

Jeff's heart pounds.

He doesn't understand why they'd call him that.

He unfolds the paper in his hands and is met with the picture of Matt and him and Jeff's heart skips a beat as he realizes why everyone's so hooked on the papers, why everyone's imagining him naked in a blink of their eyes.

His cheeks flush hot red.

His eyes are shut completely tight.

He clutches the paper tighter and his heart thumps harder as he slowly opens his eyes, seeing the picture all over again and he can't believe it's him anymore.

His heart races.

His head pounds.

He feels as if he'd been standing there an eternity as he runs away from the stares, running towards the bathroom and shutting the stall door, dropping to his knees, panting and trying to breathe but he can't.

He can't grasp on who and why they'd do this to him.

__

Jeff has been having a horrid day.

One of the worst in his life.

Every step he takes in the hallway, he has a hand snaking up to his belt or a body pressing him to the locker and kissing him, laughing at him and now he is. All he wants to do is roll over and die.

He feels like such an outcast.

He feels so labeled.

And as he walks down the cafeteria, taking his bag lunch to his band's table, and deciding that he wants to buy a soda, he stands up and starts to walk but a body's in the way and he looks at the body, as another bulky body stand up towards him, holding onto his waist and the other hand throws the shirt on the floor.

They laugh as Jeff scrambles to take his shirt and wear it over his bare chest and runs back towards his table, trying to shake the blush out of his face.

Chris is the first to speak, "do you need anyone to walk you home? I mean…since all of them are…"

Randy nods his head. "Yeah, do you?"

Jeff shakes his head and he knows what he wants. He wants his innocence back. He wants Matt back. He wants his life back. He wants to crawl under his bed and just wish he'd die there.

__

It's dinner time.

It's rare that Gilbert Hardy spends any time with Jeff.

Jeff scarves down his food in less than thirty mess and stands up to walk out but his father stops him. "Jeff?"

"Yes?"

"You seem a little down today. Anything you'd like to talk about with me?"

Jeff whips his head around and lets out a horrible, bitter laugh. "You know what? You've taken away my brother from me! You'd ruined both of our lives! You don't know how lonely I've fucking been!"

"Jeff, watch your language!"

"My language is English." Jeff mumbles, staring straight at his father. "I spend my time standing by the driveway because I'm waiting for Matt to pick me up from school! I spend my time looking at the window and just wishing that I'd see him walk inside. I spend my time all locked into his room because it's as close to him as I can get!"

"And you want him after what he'd done to you? After he'd touched you?" his father stands up and walks towards him, the words are being spit out as he holds onto Jeff's wrists and pulls him to his body.

Jeff looks straight at his father's face, gritting his teeth.

"That boy has hurt you in so many different ways…why do you want him back?"

"Because he reminds me of Mom!"

Gilbert slaps Jeff across the face. "That sorry excuse for son should never remind you of Ruby!"

"Why not? He looked like her. He…he was as protective as she was…and you'd taken the only closure of the world away from me!"

"Go to your room! You're grounded!"

Jeff doesn't really care.

In his room, he hits his head, harder and harder, to the pillow as he tries to forget about everything. As if each bang to the pillow will make a problem go away and when he finally slips off to sleep, his dreams are of nightmares.

Nightmares of horror.

And pain.

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**I seriously love this story. No joke. I love so much I hate not updating on it. And it's so easy to write.  
**

**;) Sam**


	10. Therapy

**And the plot gets even more intense.**

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Therapy

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His grades are down to the ground.

The principal of the school, Blake, looks at the performance review of Jeff Hardy and shakes his head, not understanding how or why Jeff had gotten such low grades. He used to be an amazing student. He'd sometimes shock Blake with grades that aren't too high or too low, always just perfect, for every subject and his extra credit had amused him very much. His love for art had been so popular.

But he was now failing in everything.

Even art.

He shakes his head.

He cannot fail art, can he?

It's just unnatural.

He hears the knock of the door and he opens it up to see a manila envelope on the floor and he picks it up and opens it.

His heart thuds in his chest.

His eyes widen.

The picture of Matt stroking Jeff's dick…

Damn…

The man's blood stirs.

Thinking of the little innocent boy being hurt like that!

He'd have to do something…

The question is: what?

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"Therapy?!" Jeff says, confused, with wide eyes and pale faces and bleeding hearts and broken thoughts.

"Yes, Jeffery," Blake responds, and he doesn't mention why as he watches the school counselor walk inside and Blake tells him to take Jeff to therapy, to take him to the room while Blake calls the father of the child, to demand an explanation for this…this…horror that he'd seen.

Jeff's hurt.

His head's pounding.

His mind's all messy.

His heart's exploding.

His blood's stirring so fast in his body that he's dizzy right now and all he really wants is Matt and he'd let his brother hit his guts out, punch him out of his existence, stab his heart, break him…

But let it be Matt.

It's a two hour ride.

When he finally goes to therapy, he listens but refuses to say a word and he truly only wants Matt back.

When he returns to school four hours later, Blake asks him to come back into the office and Jeff still feels sick about the entire idea and he still feels like a hopeless, helpless child and for once, he only wanted to be Matt's child. Matt's responsibility. Only his.

"Is your brother…in jail?"

"No! Why'd you ask something like that?" Jeff's voice is alert and so are his wide innocent green eyes, with that glowing hint of white in them.

Blake shows Jeff the picture.

Jeff's never been more humiliated in his life.

He rips his head away. "He was drunk!"

"It was wrong…"

"I hear it from everyone! I know…I know it was wrong…but I can handle myself. I know what I'm doing. I know how to take care of my damn self! Leave me alone!" Jeff exclaims, feeling his throat crack and his tired head pound and how much did he want to go to sleep right at that moment.

He stands up and walks away and he locks himself into the bathroom and he lets the tears fall.

"Why won't they leave me alone…?"

His voice's cracked.

His voice's weak.

He's weak.

He really can't do anything.

It all hurts.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

And he can't stop the pain.

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**What? Two updates in one day! I call that good.**

**Even if one was sort of short. C'mon. It's two updates in one day. Still...  
**

**Review?**

**;) Sam**


	11. Matt’s Visitor

**I cannot let this story go. I must finish it. I love it so much.**

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11 – Matt's Visitor

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Gilbert hears the door knock.

"Okay. Okay."

He walks towards the door and opens it but finds no one and he looks down to find a picture, picking it up and ripping it off.

His eyes widen.

His heart races in his chest.

He sweats excessively.

His body's red hot.

And he doesn't believe what's in front of his eyes.

_Matt Hardy, with a knife in his hands, holding it against a child's neck, staring with open eyes and a mischievous smile…._

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Matt Hardy hates this.

He hates being a killer and he hates thinking about why he kills and he hates looking outside of the window and finding just nothing and nothing at all and he's wondering if the world's like this all the time and things are complicated like this all the time and his heart's pounding in his chest and his head's exploding into mush and he's onto his bed and staring up at the ceiling before he hears a knock on his door. "C-come in," he stutters and he's not sure if that's his voice anymore.

He sits up and watches as his father walks inside with dark eyes and a horrid expression on his face and Matt's heart jump starts as he tries to digest the look on his father's face. "W-what's going on?"

His father takes Matt by his collar and throws him hard onto the floor, watching as the thought and blood rushes to Matt's head and he tries to understand as his head throbs and he looks at his father and he can't really understand anything at all anymore and why would his father do this to him? But then he realizes that this man is not his father anymore and he could've killed him in less than a second but he chooses not to.

"How could you kill?"

Matt doesn't say another word as his father takes him by his wrist and forces him to stand up as Matt grabs onto his desk and tries to stay in one place, looking at his father, trying to understand that he's done this to him before Gilbert takes his hand and twists it behind his back oh so shameless. "Why?"

Matt doesn't say anything at all.

"You're sick."

Matt closes his eyes and takes the words in as if they're nothing but they're everything and they're tearing his heart into pieces and he feels his father's hand grab onto his waist and shake him and shake him so fast and so violently that Matt falls to his knees and throws up violently. "Stop! Stop! Please!" Matt screams.

"I-I'm sorry…I'm sorry…"

Tears are threatening to fall out of Matt's eyes but he holds him back as he looks up at his now cold and uncaring father and watches him as he watches away while Matt clutches onto his shirt and shake and shakes and shakes and he lets his body hit the floor as harsh as ever, shaking and shaking and shaking and his thoughts are on Jeff and he just hopes that he's okay.

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**Short update but an update's an update, right? I might update again anyways. :)  
**

**;) Sam**


	12. Alone

**Here's the next chapter. Nothing much to say. Except I have Twisted, another Hardycest, story, up! :)  
**

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12 – Alone

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Jeff's alone now.

His band's all gotten boyfriends, Randy's gotten that football player John Cena to be one and his cocky personality just fits John completely, Chris is with Adam and they kiss in front of them every five minutes, making Randy scream at them even if he and John are the same and all that Jeff wants is for him to get close to Matt like this but he can't and this is just reminding him of horrid memories and broken dreams and sweet horror and oh, how he wants Matt to hold onto him but there's nothing but air to hold him and he's always so alone and shattered on the inside.

He finds himself rolling around in his bed, with nightmares of what might happen to him without Matt. Or what might happen to Matt. He's going to Canada and Jeff will be all alone. There'll be nothing left to prove that they were brothers. He'd be all alone. Always and he'd have nothing there to fix him. He's so broken and so very shattered and so very hurt that he doesn't believe that he can be fixed. It's like all the nightmares are his only friends. No one really cares and no one should.

When he'd finally wake up from bed, he'd always look for his black clothing and he'd add a white, pink, or purple belt, sometimes blue just because it's Matt's favorite, and that little sparkle of bright clothing is Jeff's way of showing how much he really loves Matt, how he'd ignited the dark black fire in him and his hair, now dyed every few days, are there to symbolize just how many colors he wish would be there.

When he'd walk downstairs, he'd always, always, sit down onto the chair and play around with his food, purposely making noises with his spoon so that he doesn't feel so lonely and to break the silence that's burning between him and the room and he'd usually walk away with the bowl completely full and just a bit of milk dripping out of his mouth that he lets fall down onto the floor.

When he'd go to school, he'd feel as if he's an outcast, even if Randy, Chris and Adam still hang around with him. He feels different. No one understands how he truly feels deep down. He's still pushed inside of closets and he still has people make out with him. He'd still pushed around in the hallway, them taking off his shirt, and try unbuckling his pants, he doesn't care anymore.

He just wants Matt back.

Is that too much to ask for?

When he'd go back home, he'd spend his time drawing a picture of Matt, trying to prefect the beauty of his face, trying to just perfect him. He makes sure that his hair's all messy with curly ringlets that are dull and dreary and dry with just a hint of moisture in them. He spends his time trying to perfect those brown eyes, trying to make those flawless chocolate brown eyes, trying to make them hard and rigid. He spends his time trying to color the paleness of his skin, and every time he does, he pretends that his brother's body's pressing against his. The coldness of that skin. The softness of his pink mouth. It's enough to make Jeff cry.

Today's afternoon had been slightly different.

He hears the sound of his door opening and then there's Chris Jericho standing there with his electric guitar, "hello, Jeffy! You haven't been in practice for long so we decide to bring the practice to you!"

Randy, John and Adam walk inside. Randy shoves Chris away while Adam grabs onto his boyfriend's shoulder and kiss him. "We're not here for a make out movie!" Randy exclaims angrily, as he walks over to Jeff and sits beside him on his bed which makes Jeff shove his picture inside of his notebook as fast as possible because he doesn't want to be judged. The last thing he wants is to be judged. _You don't want them to know that you're in love with him, do you?_

"What's that?"

Randy grabs onto Jeff's notebook and basically rips it out of his hands and he takes out the colorful painting out of Jeff's notebook, staring at the details of the picture, about his little obsession. His Matt.

"I didn't think—"

"Matt sexually abused me. You all know that. But he's my brother. And I love him and I don't want him to go away." Jeff's voice's stiff and stern, just like Matt's and he realizes that he's truly missed Matt so much that his mind wants him to act like Matt. To be as unfeeling and emotionless as Matt.

"Look at him!" Adam exclaims. "He's a mess. He's confused."

"I'm not confused! Matt…I've really missed him. He's my brother and I don't want him to go away. He's taught me so much…yeah, true, he can be horrible when he's drunk but what can you do? Matt's Matt and that's just life. It's not his fault he got upset and went for a drink. He's just like that! It's not Matt's fault!"

"_Yeah, I was. Listen, I'm going through some rough stuff, okay? Don't get mixed up in alcohol like me. You're a good kid, Jeff."_

Matt's voice haunts the back of Jeff's head and he can almost feel the tears spilling but he won't cry. Especially not in front of them. He doesn't want to be weak. He wants to be strong. Strong for Matt. He needs to stay strong for Matt. And they can see it in his eyes how much pain he's in.

"Jeff, please, lay down. Rest or something. We'll see you tomorrow in school. You seem to be having a rough time lately and we don't want it to be worse." They all walk out of the room and he stares out the window, feeling a mixture of too many emotions burn inside of him as he lets the sheets cover his body.

It's the same routine to where he picks off.

He's alone again and he hears his father's car pull in the garage and he really doesn't care about it anymore as he pulls the sheets to cover his face. Same old night routine. And the nightmares would start up again, attacking Jeff. Leaving nothing of him.

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**Get ready for a hospital chapter next! :)**

**Review?**

**;) Sam**


	13. Hospitalized

**Hospital chapter! As I told you! :)**

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13 – Hospitalized

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Matt's room is the only thing that can give Jeff closure.

The closure is also accompanied by pain and brokenness and emptiness and Jeff hits his head towards the wall and his heart's bleeding, cluttering, so very broken, little pieces and Jeff crawls towards Matt's closet, opening it up and tearing off his shirt, slipping into Matt's shirt, feeling the scent of Matt explode into the room—the faint scent of sushi mixed with strong scents of baby powder and cologne and Jeff grabs onto the shirt, falls to his knees and his eyes catch a silver box inside of Matt's closet.

Jeff's hand moves towards the box and he lets his hand glide inside of the thick box and he feels something explode through his hand and there's something digging inside of him and his head's all shaking and as he takes his hand out of the box, sending the cover out and seeing the handgun wedged into the box, and the blood just pools from his wrist and Jeff's eyes are threatening to roll back of his head as the scent of blood fills the room, making the dry blood stick and there's a feeling at the pit of his stomach and the nausea and his head's exploding…and-and—

He can't take it anymore.

He faints.

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"Jeff Hardy?"

"Yes, that's my son."

"You may be able to see him right now."

Bandaged, almost going to die from loss of blood, Jeff doesn't want to see anyone at all and that's just the truth as he presses his head down towards the pillow only to see his father's figure move towards him and Gilbert's fingers lift Jeff's head so that Jeff can look at his father's face but Jeff twists his head away, "I don't want to see anyone!"

"Oh, Jeffery, are you still mad about me for the things I said?" Gilbert runs his fingers through Jeff's hair but Jeff doesn't dare look back at him. He feels so angry. He is angry. And he doesn't know if he can feel any better. He wants to fall asleep and he wants to stay awake. He's fighting every feeling in his body as he looks back to Gilbert's face, only to see that his father's look is completely compassionate but Jeff still shakes his head as the doctor walks inside.

"Apparently, even if he didn't hurt his wrist, he'd still be in the hospital."

"Excuse me?"

"Jeffery's weight loss is unhealthy for him. Taking blood tests, I realize he has anemia. He needs a lot of iron…Jeffery, have you been eating well?"

Jeff groans once.

"I-I've been walking around a lot and I usually skip meals."

Knowing that Matt won't be the one cooking them and serving it to him, and threatening that he'd kill him if he doesn't eat his vegetables, makes Jeff feel empty, having a plate in front of him but just staring at him until Matt comes which he knows he never will so he just slips off and walks to his room and munches on cracker or takes a cool drink of Pepsi every now and then.

"That's not good at all."

"He hasn't been too well after I put my other son, Matthew, up for adoption."

"Oh, I see."

"His grade's been going down. He rarely eats. He's always stuck in the house as if it's a prison or something."

"Ahh… that's not good either."

"And I see that you complained of nausea a lot during the tests."

"Yes."

"How much time do you spend out in the heat?"

"I don't know. Just to go to practice and come back but I haven't been these past few days."

"And I presume that their houses aren't too close?"

"Far…"

"I see. Jeffery needs to be hospitalized for about two days so that he can get the treatment he needs."

"Fine."

Jeff puts his head in his pillow and tries to drift away and in the middle of it all, the scent's back. The scent of his brother Matt and he realizes that he's still wearing Matt's shirt and as he hugs himself and pretend that Matt's there, he whimpers and shakes and the first night in the hospital's been bugging him so hard as he bites down onto his lips. He wants Matt back. He wants Matt to be here.

This isn't fair.

He'd fallen in love with his brother and he doesn't really care about how sick it really is and he loves him so much that it hurts and he just wants Matt to be around, even if it's just a brother/brother relationship and oh, he's just so desperate, isn't he?

He sits up and looks out in the window and sees the dark night but all he can think about is Matt, and Matt's been the only one who's been making his thoughts for days to no end. "Matt," he whispers as he closes his eyes, shut tight and he can almost feel the tears overflow his eyes.

He wants Matt back.

He wants to hold onto his brother and cry into his chest. He wants to have his fearless, his unfeeling, his emotionless body press against his and he doesn't care about how sick that sounds like. Why is he banned from the only thing he's ever wanted in life? The more he remembers him and Matt fighting, the more his heart aches. The more he remembers that face, the more he wants to touch it. The more he remembers the body pressing, the more he misses Matt's touch.

His brother. The one who's been taking care of him for so long…why is he so far away? Tears finally leak out of Jeff's eyes as he takes the pillow and puts it over his head, trying to forget all about everything but he's trapped into those thoughts and nothing can make him feel better than Matt.

To Canada?

Why?

Why…?

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**Review? Much appreciated.  
**

**;) Sam**


	14. Fire! Fire!

**A nice twist in this chapter! :D I hope that you like this chappie. I personally like the twist.  
**

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14 – Fire! Fire!

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It's late at night.

Jeff can't really sleep as he steps out of his cot, feeling as if his body's rigid and cold from all the laying down and he's so used to walking around a lot now that he walks through the hallways, biting his lower lip, and looking through still too white hallways and he walks down the stairs, looking around but finding nothing.

He hears the sound of his doctor. "Jeffery, get back to your room."

"No."

"Don't make me force you in your room."

Before his doctor can call for others to force him back, Jeff runs off and when he hears footsteps behind him, he runs faster, avoiding them and opening a random door and slipping inside, pressing his ear to the door and hearing them walk away, Jeff's heart steadied.

"Jeff? What the hell are you doing here?"

Jeff's heart might've stopped right then in his chest.

That's Matt's voice.

Jeff's head twists to see Matt's face there. And he's more beautiful than Jeff can remember, an angel standing there, and all that Jeff can do is stare, as his heart races in his chest and Jeff slowly moves towards Matt, feeling as if each step is an eternity away from Matt. "Matt…" Jeff whispers.

"Stay away, Jeff," Matt says, stepping back. "I'm no good for you. You know about my past and I won't dare do anything that might hurt you."

"Why…?" Jeff asks. "Why are you a killer?" his voice's so very soft.

"You won't understand," Matt snaps.

Jeff walks towards Matt's body and Jeff wraps his arms around Matt's waist into a hug, pressing his head towards Matt's chest and Matt runs his hand through Jeff's hair, before kissing the top of his head. Jeff buries his head into Matt's chest but then Jeff hears the sound of gunfire and Matt falls down onto the floor. Jeff realizes the blood seeping from his brother's shoulder as the gun drops from Matt's hand.

Jeff's heart quickens. Never in his life did he see so much blood…and from Matt? His heart just races so hard that it's threatening to burst from his chest.

His Matt.

On the floor.

Blood seeping from his shoulder.

Fear bangs inside of his body.

Matt sits up and groaning at the pain as he reaches out for the gun and Jeff acts as he throws himself at Matt, "no! What are you doing?"

"Suicide! What else, sweetheart?" Matt pushes Jeff away and laughs like a maniac, laughing so very hard, as he grabs onto his gun again and attempts to place the gun close to his head but Jeff throws himself onto Matt's body again, crying hard into his chest while Matt's gun flies towards a wooden table and the bullet burns the table so very quickly and Matt grabs onto Jeff, holding onto his brother's body.

Matt grabs onto Jeff's body as he stands up and runs off as the room threatens to explode from the fire because f the gunpowder burning up and Matt runs and runs but soon, he's surrounded by a fire and he hears the people scream as they run out of the rooms and he holds onto a nearby doorknob of a metal door and opens it, closing it as he stares at the thick metal made door and he leans down towards the table, placing Jeff down onto the floor, and kissing his forehead.

"Jeff, that door isn't going to hold on a long time…"

Jeff hiccups and nods his head, tears running down his eyes. He's going to die in here. He can just feel it.

"We're going to die," Jeff whispers, shaking and crying and Matt holds onto Jeff's shoulders and looking into each other's eyes, getting lost into each other's eyes, they break as Jeff presses his lips towards Matt's and Matt kisses back with no protest.

When it feels like the last moments of their lives, nothing seems wrong anymore.

Jeff's hands wrap around Matt's neck as Matt presses his body on Jeff's, taking his hand towards Jeff's belt and ripping it off, Jeff's cheeks turn into red and Matt laughs at Jeff's blush. Jeff kisses onto Matt's neck, trailing down towards Matt's chest but Matt stops and stands up. "This is wrong."

"Matt, we might possibly die here…who the fuck cares about right or wrong?"

"You're thirteen years old!"

"I might die thirteen years old. I need you in me."

Matt shakes his head as he leans down towards Jeff and rubs his cheek, "I'm sorry, Jeffy. But I'm done hurting you. I'm your brother. I can't love you the way I can love others. I-"

"I hate you," Jeff whispers, tears running down his eyes as he covers his hands towards his face and sobs. "Why doesn't anyone understand that I love you? More than a brother? Why…?"

"It's wrong, Jeffy. It's wrong."

"I know it's wrong! I don't care! I just want you…" he whispers and shakes, crying and sobbing, his head towards the metal table as Matt grips onto Jeff's shoulder who attempts to shake him off with his shoulder.

"Jeff, please…"

"If you're not going to touch me, then tell me about your story. I want to know why you're here, too. What's the use of hiding everything now, Matt?"

Matt sighs and leans his back to the metal table, right next to Jeff. "It all started with a horror movie…"

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**So next few chapters will be a flashback to Matt's used to be life as a killer. Review??**

**;) Sam**


	15. Matt Flashback 1: Gangs

**Yeah, flashbacks to Matty's old life! We must understand why!!**

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15 – Matt Flashback #1: Gangs

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_**Matt's POV**_

Walking down to home one day, I stopped in my position.

Twelve years old, tired bloodshot eyes, I looked around, as I walked down the road and heard a sound coming from the alley, I stepped inside and poked my head only to be slammed onto the ground by a man with alcohol heavy on his breath.

Looking up, my heart thudded. Hard.

That face. Pale skin. Black hair. Brown eyes. He scared the hell out of me. He pressed his pink lips towards mine and grabbed onto my wrist, pulling me to the ground. The way he jerked me. The way he looked at me. It scared me. It was like he knew that he'd own me from first sight.

The way he ran his hand down my side, the way he stared at me, it was horrible.

He controlled me with just a bat of an eyelash.

"Hey, guys, look at this hot piece of ass."

They were all around 16. He looked 19. Maybe even 20.

They all circled me, staring at me, and grinning at me as if I looked like the most delightful thing they'd ever seen in their lives.

"You're right, Brice. The kid is hot."

"How old are you, kid?"

"I'm…twelve…" I practically slurred the words out as he captured my lips into a kiss. Brice's eyes were staring at me, scaring me, shocking me by his kiss. I barely knew him. I didn't think that he'd do anything like this.

I looked down.

"Leave me alone."

"What's your name?"

"M-Matt."

"Was that your first kiss, Matt?"

I nodded my head, staring up at him, with sad eyes.

Brice jerked my wrist and held onto it, hard as ever, and I was ready to scream for anyone—just anyone—but then another group came along, all looking like Brice's group, the leader around in his 20's and that was when it all clicked to me, they had piercing, they were bikers, they drowned in alcohol and partying and I was in trouble.

"Brice, Brice, Brice, leave the kid alone."

"Why? So you can make him your personal slut?"

My throat was clogged.

"He is a slut. Look at that body."

"Shut up!" I snapped, staring at him, the words that he said hurt and I didn't like to think that I was a slut. I wasn't. According to a lot of people, I was one of the most innocent people ever and now, standing beside them, my innocence was crumpling. Everything was crumpling into nothing.

The leader of the other group gave me a huge hit on my face and let me fall down. His leg pressing against my stomach as he hit my face, and I feel the blood rush towards my head. I was shaking in my place, trying to piece together what really happened as he grabbed me by the hair.

They all went into a fight. Brice's group was of three and the other guy's group was made of four which made this horrible guy have me all to himself for the time being. Someone save me! My thoughts were all on Jeff. What if—how—_Jeff_? He was all alone in the house right now. I said I'd be right back. The poor nine year old boy all cuddled up in his room, looking outside of the window, waiting for Mommy to come back home which we know won't happen at all.

He punched me again, harder, harder than ever before and my stomach was burning with acid knots.

"Leave me alone!"

He ripped my shirt up, running his hand through my chest and my eyes were widened as I stared at him. I'd never had anyone do that to me before. I was in danger right now. He unzipped my pants and grabbed onto my cock, scaring me to hell as he gripped onto me as hard as possible.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

He slapped me, hard, and Brice pushed him out of the way just in that moment. I was shaking. That guy—he was scaring me. I just wanted to wash all of this away. I wanted to forget everything. Just everything.

I didn't want to remember anything anymore.

I wanted to go home.

Brice leaned down towards me, touching my cheek, "are you okay, Matt?"

"Leave me alone…"

He helped me up as the others gathered my clothing and they helped me dress up but as I looked back at the others, my heart exploded in my chest as Brice ruffled through my hair. "Go home. You're still a kid. Try to forget about this."

I nodded my head, wiping away tears that didn't fall.

I ran away, stepping inside of the house, and found my brother, Jeff, on the couch with his eyes glued to the window. "You look different today, Matty."

"Yeah, Jeff, go upstairs. I'll be there in a second." I brushed my hand against Jeff's cheek as he nodded his head, leaning down towards my arm. His sad eyes breaking me on the inside as I kissed his forehead. I went towards the fridge, looking over for leftovers, knowing that Jeff didn't eat and I put some of last night's lasagna in a plate before I walked upstairs, putting it down onto a table to where Jeff was laying down. "Are you okay, Jeff?"

"Yeah," Jeff said sadly. "Just miss her that's all."

"We all miss her, Jeff." It was hard. The poor boy was only nine years old. He took a fork and ate the lasagna, letting the hot food run down his throat.

Jeff stopped in his position. "There's blood on your face." He said in fear.

"Yeah, well, I hit a locker when I was in school," I tried to convince him while Jeff raised an eyebrow and shook his head and he scuffed down the food in only minutes before burping, making me chuckle. Jeff can be so adorable sometimes. "Do you need anything else?"

"No. Just sleepy."

"Go to sleep then, Jeff."

He nodded his head and I walked towards my room with thoughts of the events of today…I felt strange. Completely and utterly strange. Like this was just beginning. The body shaking. The horror burning. I felt like my innocence was taken away from me, ripped into pieces and I can't do anything about it.

Why was I so torn to shreds?

I leaned back down towards my bed, covering my body with my sheets and trying to sleep and forget about it.

I can't.

Why me?

* * *

**Review??**

**;) Sam**


	16. Matt Flashback 2: Insane

**More depth in Matt's personality.**

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16 – Matt Flashback #2: Insane

* * *

The next few days I hung out with Brice's gang because they were protective of me. I've never had anyone protect me before. I always protected people. I liked protecting Jeff, I really did but at the same time, I wanted to have someone save me when I was in trouble and Brice seemed like just the guy and one day, he'd told me about taking a drink and I was unsure, so very unsure, about it.

I was twelve years old and drinking? I didn't want to be unable to take care of Jeff but something inside of me pushed me to agree. Something inside of me couldn't say no. Brice intimidated me. He was older than me, much stronger, so much stronger than me and I had to agree because truthfully, I was afraid of Brice, too. Afraid of what he might do to me. Did Jeff ever feel this way when he was around me? I just hope not.

Now, as I walked down the road with them, seeing them push me into a bar with them, and I didn't remember anything but the horrid acidic liquid running down my throat and the rest was history and when I had woken up, the rest of my life changed that instant when I noticed that I was in Brice's arms and my shirt was on all wrong and my pants were ripped in places and as confusion burned through me, fear provoked me as I realized that Brice and I had gone a little too far. I didn't even remember kissing him again and the betrayal sank in.

Could I have ever done this to Jeff?

Could I ever hurt him this way?

No. Never.

I walked away without another sound coming from my mouth and as I'd walk away from the bar, feeling so very broken, feeling so exposed, feeling so open, like everyone can see what I was trying to hide on the inside and it scared the hell out of me to think so and what do you do when you're broken into pieces? I can't hold onto anything anymore.

I looked down at the floor.

That was when I stopped believing in myself.

I had no faith in anything I can do.

I survived on horror movies and taking care of Jeff like a zombie. I had no life behind Jeff's. I knew from when Jeff woke up to what he dressed to what he ate and it was an obsession to see Jeff with any boy knowing that anyone could've done what Brice had done to me to Jeff and I won't let anything happen to him. Nothing. The funny thing was before all of this, I hated horror movies. I couldn't stare at one without breaking into tears but now, I can watch ten at once.

I never slept at night.

Not nightmares of the horror tapes.

Nightmares of Jeff.

I was horrified on Jeff's behalf. If anything happened to him, I didn't know what I'd do to myself. To me, I didn't care if I got thrown in Hell as long as Jeff was in Heaven. Jeff was annoyed with my over protectiveness and at some point, I was annoyed with my short temper but he just won't understand.

I didn't tell him about any of that.

I couldn't bring myself to.

Thinking of those sweet green eyes suddenly wide with horror at just anything that could've happened to me was scarier than anything Brice could've done to me or any horror movie I've ever seen.

I should've seen that something would've gone wrong.

Part of my brain was angry at Brice.

He ruined my life all because he can't keep his hand away from my pants. He ruined my life with thoughts of fear for my Jeff. My Jeff getting hurt. Even if it was just a simple paper cut just hurt me more than a car accident could've.

I was obsessed with Jeff.

I neglected everything in my life.

I had dropped out of school unknown to Jeff and my father only because I wasn't doing any progress and didn't want to. I didn't care if I never had a decent job or anything. I had Jeff and that was all I needed, right?

I ripped any letter that came from my school.

I'd told Jeff that I'd come home from school at three at the time when I never even gone to it. No. Part of me knew that liquor didn't solve any problems but all I needed was one cup to try and forget.

It was haunting.

Going into a bar and being an under aged drinker, I was just hoping that Jeff was alright. That was the only hours I spent away from home and Jeff and he'd always been in school so I never said anything.

I knew all of Jeff's secrets.

I knew all of Jeff's possessions.

He was more than just an obsession. I lived to see him grow up because Dad wasn't around there to help him grow away.

The thoughts I'd given myself, that Jeff was mine and no one else's, the possessive nature of me just horrified me so much that I drove myself to the hospital and checked myself in. Though no one knew, I was instantly put into an asylum. I was mentally sick. I was a schizophrenic. I am a schizophrenic.

I was horribly insane.

I'd see things that weren't real and think that they were. It was a mixture of horror movies and my real life.

All mixed with blood.

I'd never told anyone of course.

No one needed to know.

Anything I'd say made no sense.

If anyone would ask me "how are you?" I'd respond with anything like "the sky is blue" or "I like sushi". I wasn't avoiding the question. I thought that was the answer. My answers made no sense so I stopped talking to Jeff even for a while. I couldn't risk him being afraid of me yet I was.

I was afraid that I'd do something to Jeff.

Anything.

From hitting him to raping him to just plain screaming at him. I didn't want that but I couldn't control it.

I'd take my pills in silence and I didn't care about the nausea or the weight gain or anything because all I needed was to think that I was sane. Even if it was for a minute. I hated knowing that I was insane.

I hated having hallucinations.

I'd wake up at midnight and run over to Jeff's room because I was scared he was dead. I'd see myself drowning in bloodied water all the time. I didn't want to live this way but part of me insisted that I wasn't living at all. As Jeff grew, I knew that he didn't like me. I knew that he thought I had no life because I didn't. I was lifeless.

I just didn't want Jeff to worry about me. I wanted him to worry about his life and he did. He wanted space but I couldn't risk it. I'd let Jeff go but he'd come back before six, always and when he was late even by ten minutes and wasn't answering his cell, then I'd call the police. I was just so scared for him. I'd always fall asleep struggling to force myself awake that morning so I can wake Jeff up.

I couldn't enjoy anything. My face was always the same even when I was shattered on the inside because of this damn schizophrenia. When anyone would tell me that Jeff was in trouble, my heart would pound in my chest but my body, my face, always had the same emotionless expression on.

At some point, I even lost my emotions.

I was a horrible mess.

What really shocked me was my first kill.

I didn't know when it happened. The knife was just in my hands and another split second later, I was staring down at a bloodied knife and at a battered boy and screams of horror and I knew that this was too real to be a hallucination and that was when I realized how heartless I could be in my psychosis state, that I could kill Jeff.

I was afraid of hurting Jeff.

I was afraid of him being close enough for me to just snap and run the knife through his innocent heart.

It terrified me knowing that I'd killed a person.

I can never move on knowing this.

I just can't.

It was horrifying. I can't stay away from Jeff but I can't stay close and I can't live and I can't die. It was like God liked watching me suffer because nothing good was happening in my life.

* * *

**Oh, I like this chappie. I even feel bad for Matt. Um—review??**

**;) Sam**


	17. Why?

**Sorry for not posting here soon! Enjoy the next part!**

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17 – Why?

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"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Jeff's eyes were wide as he stared into Matt's hard brown eyes, so very emotionless, so unable to feel at all and yet, he had told him such a painful story that even Jeff found it hard to blink off the tears that were threatening to fall out of his soft green eyes and Matt was staring at Jeff, staring at him, and blank in thought as Jeff sucked in a sharp, soft breath.

"Matty, why?"

"Because I didn't need anyone's pity," he said, and there was a twig of something in his words—not sadness, almost disgrace. When Jeff looked deep into those eyes, he could see a hint of disgrace burning into those green eyes. "I don't need anyone's pity, Jeff. I don't want anyone to look and me and say 'oh, poor Matt, he shouldn't feel this way' because pain is a part of everyone's life. I'm just trying to take yours away."

"You can't do that, Matt. You know that I'll always feel pain."

"Couldn't I try?"

"Matt…"

Matt's face was too emotionless for Jeff. He knew that this should've been a touchy subject for Matt, yet his face had said nothing. It was as if he was lying but Matt wouldn't lie to him about something like this, would he?

"Jeff?" Matt whispered.

Jeff pressed his lips against Matt's and he saw a twinkle in his eyes as Matt pushed Jeff off, and Jeff saw that white twinkle darken.

"Don't you get it, Jeff?!"

"N-no…"

"I just told you that I can't hurt you. Why do you want to hurt yourself so bad?!"

"Because you won't hurt me, Matt. I know you won't."

"I will, Jeff. You have no idea how schizophrenia works and even me…even I don't know how it works. And I don't want you dead, Jeff. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to see you in pain."

"Matt, that's not it…I still have feelings for you—I love you. I can't get it out of my head, I…"

Matt's eyes were glued to Jeff's as anguish overtook his eyes.

"If you don't kiss me, Matt, you'd be hurting me."

Matt slowly nodded his head as he took Jeff in his arms, felt Jeff's body press against his, knowing that this could be their last moments together, Matt slowly striping Jeff out of his clothing, running a finger down perfect skin as he kissed every piece of flesh of Jeff but in the end, he stopped.

"Jeff, what if I hurt you?"

"You won't. I want you. I really want you, Matt. I won't regret it. I know I love you. Please…"

"You're thirteen. You don't know what love is."

"Please, Matt…"

Matt lay on top of Jeff, taking off his own clothing, loving the feel of both of their flesh together, their nakedness pressing against each other and Matt kissed Jeff's back, feeling Jeff shake.

Matt's heart pounded as hard as ever.

This was the last thing he wanted to do but he'd do anything to please Jeff. He'd do anything to make his brother happy and if this was the way to do it, so be it. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine anyone else, tried to make a different form instead of Jeff. He hated to think that he was taking Jeff's virginity away. He hated to think that he was Jeff's first. His brother.

Matt slowly slid inside of Jeff, loving the feel of Jeff's warmth.

He slid in and out, fastening his thrusts, seeing Jeff's eyes fill with pleasure but trying to restrict the pain and he'd stopped in the middle of it, touching Jeff's face with a tired arm. "Jeff, no…"

"It hurts, Matt but go on…go on…I like it."

It's almost like hearing that his brother loved pain.

He went back to sliding in and out, soft and sweet and then fastening, hearing Jeff's beautiful moans of pleasure had broken Matt's heart in half, knowing that his Jeff was like this. His Jeff was having pleasure of him sliding in and out of him. His Jeff liked it and disgrace was filling so much, so badly.

Jeff's face crumpled in pain, staring at Matt's face. Then Matt couldn't hide it anymore. Tears were falling from his now pained face. "Matt?"

No voice came from Matt.

Sobs filled the air. "Matt?"

Matt stood up, as his sobs still raked through his body, tears still falling from his eyes and he didn't care. He didn't care at all.

"Matt, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"I'm just as bad as he is!" the was anger in Matt's voice. Anger at himself. "I'm just as bad as _he_ is…"

"Matt?"

Matt wore his clothes as Jeff followed him, and when both of them were dressed, Jeff had noticed that Matt stopped crying but his face was still tearstained. So very tearstained. Matt stared out at the window, all smoke, all fire, and he took Jeff by his side, holding onto him and opening the window, so that they could peek out of it. "Jeff, I'll throw myself out first…if it's safe, I'll tell you to jump."

"What?! Are you crazy?"

"No. I'm only doing the right thing."

"But if there's a fire under all that smoke, you can die, Matt."

"If I don't do anything, we'll both die…"

Before Jeff can say another word, Matt threw himself out of the window, inhaling the smoke and Jeff's heart might've stopped.

"…Matt…no…"

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**Is Matt dead? Why do you think Matt cried? Hmm…I got this awesome idea yesterday about what to do with '**_**Torn'**_** and was so psyched that I just had to update. Reviews are much appreciated and cherished.**

**X Sam**


	18. I’m Not Breathing

**I love this so much... please, read and review and--also, I hoped this was okay. I don't know how long this is going to be but I know that this isn't going to end soon...damn...I don't know if I'm happy or sad.**

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18 – I'm Not Breathing

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Jeff would've never forgiven himself if Matt had really gotten hurt through all of this but as he hears the sound of Matt coughing, his heart has never pounded so furiously and he stares down at the ground, seeing Matt's head peek up at him with a soft smile burning on his face as Matt nods his head and Jeff stands by the window, closing his eyes and just hoping that Matt would catch him when he falls and Jeff feels the rush of air as Matt engulfs Jeff's body, coughing horribly as Jeff's hair covers Matt's vision and Jeff doesn't remember the last minutes as he feels Matt move away from the smoke, falling down onto the ground as oxygen burns through their lungs.

"Breathe, Jeff, breathe."

Matt cups Jeff's cheek and breathes in Jeff's face, watching as Jeff curls towards him, pressing his body towards his and tears are burning down Jeff's face. "Jeff?"

"Don't go, Matt. Don't go."

"I won't—"

"Get your hands off my son!"

Matt's head twists towards the face only to see Gilbert's face there and Jeff holds onto Matt's shoulders, pressing his head into Matt's shoulder, "please, don't, Matt. Please, don't…" Matt cradles Jeff in his hands as Jeff's head presses in Matt's chest as Matt sits up, running his hand through Jeff's hair, trying to ignore the look of anger filling Gilbert's eyes _you don't want to lose him again, Jeffy_.

"He needs me," Matt says in such a soft voice that Jeff's heart melts into nothing but the rage in their father's eye doesn't subside. "I won't let you have him…he needs me…"

"Leave him alone!"

Jeff doesn't say a word as he peeks his head out to see his father's face and that makes him grip onto Matt all the more, feeling Matt's body with every move he turns and every breath he takes and he won't let Matt out of his sight and he won't let Matt go off to Canada because that'll just break his heart and there isn't anything left in his heart to crush anyways.

"Let. Go. Of. Him. Now."

Jeff's heart explodes and burst as blood goes all through his body, blood and flesh, he feels dead and inhuman, dying on the inside as Matt's grip loosens and Jeff stares up at him, shaking his head, tears spilling from his eyes. "You said you won't. You said you won't let go."

Matt wants to push Jeff away now, just to run off and try to forget that pained expression on his brother's face but he won't be able to forget any of this and he knows it and he knows that he'd spend the next few nights holding back tears and hugging himself, pretending that Jeff was there, he knows.

"I'm not breathing, Matt, please."

Matt's hand touches Jeff's cheek, feeling the warmth of Jeff's flesh, and Jeff holds onto Matt's wrist, just hoping that Matt wouldn't move away from him. Just hoping. Jeff's hand is gripping onto Matt's wrist as hard as ever as he leans down towards Matt's face and kisses Matt's lips into a chaste kiss.

"What did you do to my son!?"

Matt's hands grip onto Jeff's waist as Jeff's head presses against Matt's shoulder and sobs are raking through Jeff's body and Gilbert takes Matt's shoulder, and the touch makes Matt grip onto Jeff even harder. "No! I won't let you have him!" Matt's face is pale, so very pale, as Gilbert shoves a picture in front of Matt's face and he takes the picture, seeing it in all its horror, him, his kill…

"Jeff?" Matt whispers, kissing Jeff's hair.

"You sick, sick boy! You have no idea what you've done to my boy, have you? You made him into—into this—"

Jeff stands up, staring at his father straight into the eye, holding onto Matt's hand who's being pulled up by Jeff and their eyes lock and Jeff can hear Matt's words, almost hear every word coming out of Matt's lips just by seeing into those eyes…

**Don't do this, Jeff.**

_I'm sorry._

**I'd never forgive myself…**

Jeff stares back at his father and nods to Matt, going to him with a quivering lip and feels Gilbert's arm wrap around Jeff's shoulder, bringing him closer to him, and Jeff's eyes look back at Matt's face as he walks off.

"Why do you hate Matt?"

"He's done things to you. I bet he started that fire, didn't he?"

Jeff doesn't answer as he tries not to cry his eyes out, thinking that his Matt's gone for now and he feels Gilbert's hand go to Jeff's hand, helping him away from Matt's gaze and Jeff doesn't remember thinking of anything but Matt as he presses his head towards the cold glass of Gil's car and when he looks back at his father, seeing the crumpled look on his face, he finally manages to squeeze out those words that have been nagging him for the last two hours. "Matt's been raped."

"He told you?!"

"You knew?" Jeff's eyes widen and Gil's eyes soften as he nods his head.

"Of course I know!"

"Then why didn't you do anything about it?"

Confusion burns in Jeff's father's eyes but he registers it in and he rubs Jeff's shoulder, confusing the boy even more. "What happened to Matt, dad? What did he do that was so bad?"

"He killed a person. He's a killer…"

"I have a feeling that's not the reason you hate him so much."

The rest of the car ride is silent and when Jeff's home, he goes inside only to be met with Randy, Chris and Adam, asleep and pulled together on a couch and Jeff smiles at the sight of his friends, and he kicks his shoes, hoping not to wake them but they wake up anyways and they spend the night watching old horror movies and in the midst of it all, Chris stands up and fixes his hair. "Jeff, I'm gonna go get some more movies from your brother's room."

Jeff nods his head and when Chris comes back with a tape that Jeff knows too well, his heart bleeds as hard as ever as Chris leans back down and pushes the tape back in and Jeff's eyes are closing shut tight, knowing that he'll soon hear a horrifying scream coming from them…

_I'm still not breathing…_

* * *


	19. Exposed

**Okay, here you go. I forgot to update on _'Torn'_. My first ever Hardycest story and I forgot to update. Man, I'm dramatic. Me gonna write a Hardycest one-shot! I just gots an idea and I wanted to write it out...but I just had to update here first.**

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19 - Exposed

* * *

And as Jeff expects, he hears their horrifying screams.

It's Matt. Matt ripping the blade through people's spine, Matt busting people's fleshes into nothing but ashes on the floor and Matt's evil, devilish smirk as he stares at those corpses on the floor, some corpses are burned, some corpses are nothing but ashes but Jeff knows that those last thirty minutes would be imprinted in their minds forever and as the tape ended, the silence flood through the room like a knife, no sound comes from anyone and no thoughts spiral through anyone's head and breaths are barely coming out of their mouths and Chris is the first to break the silence.

"Matt's a killer."

No words at all.

"Matt's a fucking killer!"

Jeff's thorat is aching and he nods his head as tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "It's just that-"he stammers, "Matt's a schizophernic! Give him a break! He's been taking care of me for years and I trust him and...and..."

He realizes that the people that are staring at him are horrified, completely and utterly horrified.

"Listen, Matt isn't the way he is just because he wants to be. He was raped."

No words coming out of anyone's mouths.

"He was raped by Brice, that nineteen year old boy, Brice Cavander." Jeff adds on, still unable to process the thought, still unable to believe that Matt could break and hurt and he still can't believe that his Matt had been crying in front of him and-

"That liar!"

Randy adds to Chris's statement, "that fucking liar..."

Jeff is stunned and he stares at them, his friends aren't backing him up but Matt would never lie to him about something so serious, about a rape incident like this, but from their eyes, he sees that they know something that he doesn't know and as Jeff sits down on a chair, clutching his hand on his stomach, trying to understand why they're so against Matt even if it's not his fault at all. It's never Matt's fault. Matt's just trying to fix everything and he knows it. Matt's just trying to be perfect but he can't and no one can accept that but Jeff, why? Why is he the only one accept it-?

His thoughts are cut when he hears Randy talk again, "when was he 'raped'?"

"Why does it matter?! You're not on my side! You don't care about Matt like I do!" Jeff dramatically waves his arms around, flapping them, feeling crushed and isolated, feeling completely and utterly hopeless as his legs are threatening to make him fall flat on his face but he stands there, with a shaking and shierving body and no words are coming out of anyone's mouth in a long time as Jeff finishes his speech even though he knows that his throat is aching and throbbing pain but he doesn't care. He doesn't fucking care. "You all think that Matt's horrible just because he let himself develop a disease and couldn't take care of himself well enough! But he was taking care of me forever and I was...I was an ungrateful brat. I know. But-but-it's-Matt-"

"Jeff," Randy finally stands up, holding onto Jeff's shoulder, trying to make him understand and instead of cold blue eyes, they're cool ocean blue eyes, "when did Matt say that he was raped? When?"

Jeff swallows the lump in his throat, trying to understand where this is going to but he can't as his body continues shaking and his eyes drift to everyone else in the room, Adam who's nodding his head and pressing Chris close to his body, and as he looks back at Randy, "when he was 12 and Brice was about 19 I think."

"Jeff..."

He grips a hand on Jeff's shoulder, trying to reason with the young boy.

"Jeff, your brother's a liar!"

"He isn't! He isn't! I know! He'd never lie to me! Not about something like this! Matt wouldn't make me believe something so serious about him! He was crying! I know it was true. I know it was true...it's just--please, believe me, Ran because I swear that I trust him with every bone of my being...please...Just listen!"

"No, Jeff, you listen," Randy's voice has a soft edge but since his voice is soft, it wasn't threatening as he grips onto Jeff's shoulder in sympathy and comfort, "Brice Cavander died before Matt turned 11. He died of a car crash near Matt's old school. Ask anyone. It's true."

"But...but...that means..."

Jeff feels completely and utterly betrayed as he feels himself breaking as he falls into Randy's arms, and sobs rake through his body and humiliation finally seeps through Jeff's body. Why is he so gullible? Why did Matt lie to him? But until now, he doesn't want to ask himself questions and he doesn't want to answer any of them and he lets Randy hold him as he sobs and cries and he pretends that everything's alright but nothing really is.

* * *

**That's a twist, dontcha think? How do you like it so far?**

**X Sam.**


	20. Everything Is Not What It Seems

**If anyone wants to know, I've already posted that Hardycest one-shot, it's called Forbidden. Anyone who's interested, pwease read. Now, onto _'Torn'_, so no one expected that? Thank you, God! I wanted it to be unexpected.**

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20 - Everything Is Not What It Seems

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Betrayed.

He's knocking onto the door of Matt's orphange.

Betrayed.

So fucking betrayed.

He sees as a woman opens the door and she starts with a "how can I help-" before Jeff shoves past her and looks around for a sign of his brother, walking inside of Matt's room and Matt's smile creeps on his plastered face and as Matt stares at Jeff's angry face, trying to comprehend what Jeff wants to do and before Matt can even let the book he was reading be placed on the table, Jeff runs towards him and tackles him, his legs on Matt's lap and Jeff's hand balling into a fist, throwing into Matt's stomach, making Matt's stomach slosh around acid as Matt comprehends that his brother, his beautiful brother who he'd fucked just maybe two days ago, had just thrown a punch to him from rage and fury and anger.

"Matt! You fucking bastard! You lying slut!"

Matt's never heard so many insults and coming from his brother?

Matt throws a punch at Jeff's stomach, making Jeff fall down on his knes and both of them are staring into each other's eyes and Matt's eyes are being hurt into nothing as his shoulders are shaking as he hugs Jeff.

"I love you, Jeff."

"Please, don't...I don't love you anymore...you hurt me too bad, Matt."

"I seriously love you, Jeff. After we'd slept with each other, I can finally see the sparks."

"Mine's died away."

"Am I not special, baby? Why are you doing this to me?" Matt's shoulders are shaking too badly and he holds Jeff's body, pressing his lips ino Jeff's neck, feeling the saliva fall out of his neck and Jeff pushes him away. "You wanted me and now, after fighting and fighting and making me fall in love with you, you suddenly don't want me?! Maybe you really do want me to go to Canada, bitch!"

"Yes, go to Hell for all I care, you liar!"

"What the hell did I do, Jeff? What did I do?"

Jeff stands up and starts to walk towards the door, holding onto the doorknob and twisting his head towards Matt's face. Staring into Matt's face, his beautiful, beautiful face but he's too angry, so angry that he wants to go towards him and punch him again. He's been humiliated in front of all his friends because his bother lied to him about his past, about something so serious, completely and utterly serious.

"You lied about Brice. He died when you were 11."

Matt's face relaxes and he nods his head, "yes, Jeff, I lied. I lied because I cared about you."

"You don't make any sense, Matt."

"Just get out of here, you low life! I don't want to see your face again! Go on, live your miserable life but when you come rushing to me, I'm going ignore you. Throw you out. Understand?!"

Not another word had been uttered.

Jeff walks outside, shutting the door behind him and feeling so wrecked inside out, he wants Matt and he knows it. But he had to say those words and now that the anger and rage faded, his body turns empty, completely empty and nothing was there to fill him over again. Jeff's sobs escape his aching throat and he walks towards the park, sitting on a bench and he's spent there the entire night. His life completely torn to pieces.

And he can't fix it.

He's so normal on the outside.

Why is he so torn on the inside?

Everything is just not what it seems.

Jeff really wants Matt. He wants to love him. Marry him. Just everything. But he can't. And he just wants to get rid of these feelings.

They say that when you fake it...you feel it...

Everyone's lying to him.

Why him...?

* * *

**Review, please!!**

**X Sam.**


	21. Shock

**So all of you want to know why Matt lied? Keep reading! :D **

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21 – Shock

* * *

Jeff's so dead.

He doesn't know how to live and he doesn't know if he's alive and everything's just so confusing and—and he needs a break. He's at school and is still thinking of Matt, his Matt's going to Canada in about a week and there's nothing he can do to stop him and he's not reluctant to it anymore and now, that he's halfway finished with his test, he hears the sound of his teacher, and he watches as his teacher whisks away his test, saying that the time is over and Jeff can care less as he chews on the eraser of his pencil and when he hears the bell, he steps out, meeting with Randy for lunch.

"I'm really sorry about the whole Brice is dead thing," Randy says, taking a forkful of pasta salad and gulping it down even and Jeff won't dare eat his food, it doesn't feel right, knowing that it's not glazed with Matt's usual too overcooked meals and he sighs one time before taking a fork and stabbing at Randy's salad, eating the slightly greasy food. "Did you go to see Matt?"

Jeff only nods his head and sighs once more, the pain overtaking him, stabbing pain badly and he tries to push it all away but it's still there and as Jeff eats more of the greasy pasta salad, he realizes that Randy's waiting for him to explain what happened, "I went to Matt's orphanage, we fought and he told me he loved me and—I just left him there. It hurt so much…I don't want him to go to Canada…"

"Despite all he's done?" Randy repeats and Jeff nods his head, feeling that aching tender feeling in his neck, "huh, Jeff?"

"Yes, despite all he's done," Jeff runs his hand through his purple and blue hair, "I just want to know why he's lied. There's just no reason for him to lie…"

"Unless…" Randy shakes his head and takes a forkful of food.

"Unless?" Jeff repeats, seeing the glimmer of hope and wish, thinking that there might be a reason for all this idiocy that's going around, "Randy, tell me, please."

"Unless he's just trying to take care of you," Randy's voice turns softer and sweeter. "You see, if he lies to you about something as serious as rape, he just wants to attract attention. You'll do fewer mistakes now that you think you're in danger and that'll give Matt closure knowing that you're cautious in life since he can't take care of you anymore. He's doing this because he cares."

"_Yes, Jeff, I lied. I lied because I cared about you."_

Jeff tries to believe that but it just doesn't sound like Matt. And he somehow knows that that's not it but it seems to be the only logical explanation so Jeff nods his head and eats one final bite, "thank you, Ran."

"No problem," Randy responds, with gleaming teeth and kisses Jeff's cheek in brotherly love and Jeff flushes into a hot pink color, "you still up for tonight?"

Jeff simply nods his head as they hear the bell ring and Jeff stands up, walking towards Adam and Chris who are teasing each other with quick kisses on their faces and Jeff pulls Adam to his side who can't stop chuckling under his breath and at the middle of the walk towards homeroom, Jeff stops. "Randy—"

"What?"

"I don't feel so good." Jeff feels like his stomach's flipping, nausea burning in his stomach, and he suddenly feels Chris holding onto his shoulder as Jeff throws up on the school hallways, feeling completely and utterly sick and nauseated and his heart rates goes up as Jeff scratches his arm and Chris rolls up the sleeve of Jeff's sweatshirt and seeing the raw, red itching flesh and Chris screams, "SOMEONE CALL 911!"

Jeff's dizziness overwhelms him as he holds onto Adam's arm, "p-please, call Matt!" and then, he falls down onto the floor, panting, and gasping for breath, feeling every minute as it passes by and he truly thinks he's going to die…_Matt…Matt..Matt…_

* * *

"His sinuses are clear."

"Thank God…"

Jeff opens his tired eyes, not knowing where he is until he's seen the too white room that he's trapped in and that's hurting his eyes too badly and his heart's pounding so hard that he doesn't think he can listen to anything else and he looks towards his bed where John Cena and Adam Copeland are asleep, Randy is talking to a tired Chris Jericho and when a grunt escape Jeff's lips, their faces turn to see their sick friend.

"What's going on?" Jeff asks, feeling his chapped lips as he licks the wet bottom lip of his. "Why am I here?"

Randy sits down onto the a plastic white chair, too white, too pure, and Jeff suddenly feels dirty as his dizziness overtakes him too badly and he thinks that there are too many swirls in his head, "Randy?"

"You're here because you just threw up, we saw that there are hives on your skin from some allergy so we brought you here…you were so out of it when you blacked out, we were all worried about you," Randy explains, his eyes never leaving from Jeff's face. "Jeff, do you realize how painful it is to see this? You've just been hospitalized and now again?"

Jeff nods his head, taking a quick breath, "might as well live in here."

The doctor walks in with serious eyes and all stare at him as he puts down a clipboard, "there are signs of citalopram in Jeff's blood, a high dosage if I may add," he stops and stares straight at the confused eyed Jeff and the doctor comes up with a conclusion. "Jeff, you've been drugged."

* * *

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	22. Project Destroy

**Thank you! Yes, Jeff has been drugged…by who? Let's find out!**

* * *

22 – Project Destroy

* * *

"Project Destroy is in progress…"

A boy stood there, with wide chocolate brown eyes and deep black hair and pale flesh and his clothes were made of dark green and black and even hid in the shadows, his eyes spark up a fire staring at the man in front of him.

"Yes, it is. Soon, that bastard will get what he deserves."

"…I'm not sure about this. Does he deserve to die?"

"Does he deserve to die? No! He deserves to suffer first for hurting us, for ruining our nephew's legacy and for killing my daughter," the man says, running his hand through the boy's hair and the boy just whips around, shaking his head at the heavy alcohol in his man's mouth that makes his son completely dizzy and the boy walks off, holding onto a doorknob and pressing his head towards the door.

He doesn't want to do this.

Yet he has no other choice.

* * *

The boy kicked anything in his way as he walked towards his bed, climbing and taking a picture in his hands, staring at that person that used to be real, his sister, and now, she wasn't and he bit down his lips, chewing on his lip ring.

"PHIL!"

Phil let the picture fall to the ground, shattered into pieces and when he heard that forceful voice of his father, he jumps up, stepping on the glass and cutting his feet instantly and as he watched his father walk in with a dark look in his eyes, Phil's stomach knotted acid as he walked towards him, "I'm going. I'm going."

He didn't want to do this.

Yet he had no other choice.

Project Destroy was in motion and he was a part of it all, wasn't he? He had to get Matt after killing his sister and he had to hurt Jeff because that was the only way that the revenge would be complete.

_You don't want to do it._

He didn't want to do it at all.

_You're sure you don't have another choice?_

Right now, he wasn't so sure.

Putting the keys in the car, he stared out of the car's window, seeing his father stand there and Phil's stomach knotted even harder and he wanted to throw up and just walk away from it all but he can't and he was sure he can't and especially after what Matt had done to his family _but-but it wasn't right_.

It wasn't right.

Helping his father take pictures.

Embarrassing pictures of Jeff and Matt that had just made Phil crack into pieces when he placed it around the school, every picture he placed made a piece of his heart break even harder than ever before.

He was left with nothing but guilt and disgrace and he felt so controlled.

It wasn't right.

Drugging Jeff.

Watching him go into the hospital twice, out cold, completely unmoving…almost dead…and he was always afraid that he would die. Injected so much citalopram into Jeff's drink wasn't easy to begin with and watching throw up, cringe, cripple in pain, get an allergic reaction, so painful. So damn painful.

Why did he have to do it?

* * *

Matt Hardy ran his hand through the mass of black ringlets of his hair and then he heard the sound of two younger children walking inside of the room, both had brown hair, one had beige flesh and hard brown eyes, and the other had tanned flesh and turquoise eyes, both walked over to Matt, with smiles on their faces, making Matt's stomach burn with acid at the little children. One was as old as Jeff, 13 but the other was no older than 10.

The thirteen year old spoke first, "Matt, you didn't come to dinner today. Is there something wrong?"

"No, Evan. Everything's just fine." Matt responds, seeing the concern crumple on Evan's face had made him feel wrecked on the inside.

Doesn't he even know how to pretend to be happy?

He can't. He was too broken to pretend, too in need of his brother's warm green eyes and sweet smiles.

"Do you miss your brother?" the turquoise eyed ten year old Cody Rhodes asked with a pouty pink grin on his face as he sat down on Matt's bed, "I mean…"

"Yeah, yeah, I do," Matt sniffed to contain himself from crying, letting a hand go to his feverish forehead as he tried to think but the thoughts weren't there at all as the realization hit him so hard he fell down onto his bed and he had just seen how pathetic his life was, looking after a boy who just wanted to be free and he felt completely worthless—he couldn't even do that right? He couldn't? He was ready to pound his head on the wall, to make himself bleed because he deserved it but the two youngsters were still there, looking at him, not fully understanding Matt's love and need for Jeff, as if he was a drug. "Look, I need to be—"

_Alone_.

He needed to be alone.

But the entire room's light went out, the humidity rising and Matt felt his fever rise along with his, his face sticky with sweat as he stood up, looking at the two slightly scared boys who were hugging each other. "Matt?"

"You stay here. I'm going to go check with everyone…" Matt didn't have a flashlight and as he strode through the murky room, sweat burning down his ignited a fire face and that was when he heard a sound coming from the outside and he ran out, seeing a boy with shoulder black length hair and was being pushed around by an older man, holding a flashlight in his hands that fell in an instant and he watched as the boy shielded himself with his arms and was hit in the stomach before Matt walked towards him.

The man instantly ran off.

What the hell was going on?

Matt leaned down to help the boy up who had various bruises on his face that made Matt's stomach feel uneasy—what if that happened to Jeff and he didn't know it? He'd be _crushed_. Completely and uttered crushed but there was nothing in him to crush right now as the boy flinched under his touch.

"Um—Matt Hardy?"

Matt raised an eyebrow, "how did you—?"

"Phil Brooks."

Matt's heart skipped a beat as he saw the flashes, the images, of the knife running across her spine, the blood that was pouring out of her body, the paleness was so icy cold that he was nauseous at the vivid image in his head and he just realized t hat this battered face boy in front of him was her brother and that just sickened him even more. "Why are you here?"

_To kill me? To destroy me? To—?_

"After you killed my sister, I-I-I drugged your brother, Jeff I think?" Phil knew that it was Jeff but the words were slipping out of his mouth so fast now that his heart was beating as fast as ever, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry—"

"Where the hell is he?" Matt spat out, cold acid falling from his mouth.

* * *

**So Phil took a change of heart and confronted to Matt? What do you think is gonna happen? Review!**

**X Sam.**


	23. Warm

**This story is so far from being over. Anyone bored of reading yet? I hope not.**

* * *

23 –Warm

* * *

His thoughts are destroying him.

_Does thinking hurt your tiny, ruptured brain?_

It's around midnight and it's so cold, too cold for him and no one dares move from their places and both Randy and John have gone outside for a smoke and Adam and Chris are playing at each other and pushing and pushing at each other and pulling each other's blonde hair in the playful the most playful way possible and the Canadians are trying to keep Jeff calm by keeping the silence around them and Jeff—Jeff just wants to understand why this is happening to him and he's trying to understand Matt, too.

He loves Matt. He really does.

But he can't trust Matt and if he can't trust Matt then he can't love him, can he? He doesn't believe in Matt, he has no faith and it's paining him to see Matt cringe in pain just because he can't love him the same way he's loved him before and now, he just feels like a cheap slut, remembering all those men that's shoved their hands down Jeff's pants, feeling the coolness of the thick cloth against their hands and now that it's happening daily, he can just imagine Matt's distress, wanting to knock out their teeth and punch them in the stomach just because and that just burns fear into Jeff.

He doesn't know what to do and it's hurting him.

What if he seriously hurts Matt and doesn't know how to make it up to him? He's never been in a relationship before and it's hurting him to think that he's starting a relationship with his brother.

He doesn't know how he fell in love with Matt but now that he has, he wants nothing more than to be around them and at the same time, he's not sure if it's love or just strong, bizarre attraction that'll go away once Jeff really has fall in love and—and—all of this makes Jeff want to hit himself, over and over, and it's hurting him so badly and he cringes, looking towards the wall where white's plastered everywhere and it hurts his eye sockets too much but he doesn't care anymore as he feels the warm touch of Chris make him look behind him to see a welcoming smirk of a smile and he knows that Chris's way of saying that he cares and seeing that look, Jeff hugs the boy, but it doesn't satisfy him.

He needs Matt.

He just does.

Everything he touches is cold and he feels cold, too and as he hears the sound of the door creek, he sees Matt standing there with a look of concern battered across his face, spluttered with real worry and agony and sheer happiness as he runs towards Jeff and pulls him into a hug and Jeff—

Jeff just doesn't know what to do.

He wants to hug him back and tells him that he's not sure about their love but he's willing to take a chance but there's something inside of him preventing him from doing that, the still dull fire that's solidified inside of him, the pain of the world around him as he looks into Matt's eyes and Jeff's smile just breaks.

He's in danger around Matt.

Jeff truly remembers those vivid clear images of Matt plunging knifes through people's spines and hearts and watching them die while he laughs a bubbly laughter that makes Jeff feel empty on the inside and—and—

It's just not going to work out for them.

Jeff can always move on.

He used to be in love with Randy and he can fall in love with Randy again but a part of him is saying that he can't and a part of him is reminding him that Randy's with Cena right now and he can't even if he tried but there are others in the wide ocean that's swallowing him, right? There are…

So many thoughts battling through Jeff's head and he doesn't know how to control them at all as Matt steps away, completely staring at Jeff's stiff body and every breath Matt takes makes Matt doubt that Jeff's fine and when Jeff does move, Matt wraps his arms around Jeff's waist, bringing him into another embrace which makes Jeff whimper slightly.

"Jeff, it's okay. Phil's not working for his father anymore. We're safe. He's pretty sorry for drugging you and assured me that he'll never do it again."

He can finally see the horror of his brother's doings; he'd been drugged because of him and it's crawling under his skin and the thoughts are too terrifying for Jeff as he clutches onto his stomach and pretends that it doesn't matter when it does matter and it's so painful for him that he doesn't think he can say another word at all.

"Jeff?"

It's like the world's all broken into pieces. He doesn't know what to believe and he doesn't trust himself either.

Why did he have to fall in love with his brother?

Being around Matt scares him right now as the images burn into his head, the knife, ripping and biting through flesh and a Matt with eager brown eyes, and he can almost remember Matt saying that he doesn't even know about his condition and that scares him even more now that he's thought about it all and—and—all he wants to do is to understand why he's so attached to Matt.

Sometimes, he just is.

And now that he's realized that they've all gotten out of the room to give them the privacy they needed, even more shock and fear ran into Jeff's spine, thinking that he's alone with Matt and Matt can just do anything.

Just anything.

But God, Matt feels warm around him and he needs that warmth, doesn't he? Matt's too loyal to him, right?

Jeff's just not sure of anything anymore.

Matt takes him by his chin and without another thought racing through his head, Matt tackles Jeff's mouth with his own and they both hear a scream as they turn around to see Chris Jericho with wide eyes and a huge open mouth.

"Get off of Jeff!" he exclaims, taking Matt by his arm and both end up on the floor, clawing at each other and throwing each other off and both of them are screaming at each other so loudly that the sound is piercing too loudly through Jeff's ear, making him feel deafened by it all.

"Get off me, Jericho!"

"You kissed your own brother!?"

"What can I say? I love him!"

"Not like that!"

Jeff just covers himself with his sheet and bites his lip so that he doesn't sob as the tears fall off his face…so much pain and misery and Jeff can't handle it anymore.

* * *

**Hmm…review?**

**X Sam.**


	24. Painful Tears

**I'm trying to update as much as possible these days on this story particularly. We have a lot to cover, sweethearts.**

* * *

24 – Painful Tears

* * *

So many tears.

So much pain.

When Jeff feels someone take the covers off, he presumes that it's Matt and he just screams as Matt's arms wrap around his waist, "No, Matt, I don't want to die!" and with that, Matt's grip tightens around Jeff's stomach as his hot, short and sharp breaths fall on Jeff's neck and Jeff tries to rip away from Matt's grip but he can't and it's scaring him as hard as ever and he can hear his heartbeat in his head as Matt finally lets go of his body and Jeff's afraid to roll over.

Afraid to look at his friend's corpses.

Terrified of the blood he's going to face.

But when he looks around, he sees that the room is clear and that Chris is just standing there with an cold glare coming towards Matt's way and Randy and Adam are standing there with the same mirrored look in his eyes and if Jeff doesn't know any better, John doesn't know what the hell is going on because he's having trouble keeping a cold plastered face and as he looks back at Matt, who's now mirroring their cold plastered faces, Jeff's stomach turns nausea and he feels like he's being judged with every breath he takes even if he knows that his friend's are on his side and he really wants to crawl back into the covers and fade with the blackness inside but he can't.

He can't.

"I'm sorry, Matty…" Jeff begins but Matt's hands ball into fists and he throws a punch at Jeff's face, letting Jeff gasp.

"Sorry?! You said that! You said that you don't want to die! I'm your brother. You really think that I'm going to kill you?" that loss of control that's filling Matt's eyes are scaring Jeff senseless as Matt takes Jeff's arm and just starts to press hard against Jeff's arm, almost breaking the bone underneath.

"Matty-"

"Save it!"

And he watches as Matt's hand go to Jeff's red sweatshirt and he's ready to take off Jeff's shirt which is making Randy and Chris and Adam and John charge towards him but Matt grips harder against Jeff's arm which makes them just stop instantly, seeing both men shake, Matt with some sort of insane pleasure in watching his brother in pain and Jeff from the sudden coldness of his warm body—

"Come any closer and I'm seriously going to break Jeffery's arm!"

Jeff doesn't say anything as Matt leans towards Jeff's face, Matt's hot short and sharp breaths trickles Jeff's freezing face and it doesn't take Jeff more than two minutes to fear every breath he's taking might just be his last and as Matt's eyes twitch and—and—all of a sudden, Matt jerks Jeff's arm so hard that Jeff feels the bone inside just break, which makes Jeff let out a horrifying scream, tears burning down his face and _did-did M…Matt just break your a-arm, Jeffy?_

"Jeff!" Adam exclaims, with wide eyes, staring at the tortured, suffering boy that's huddled off into the corner of the room in his bed.

Matt's eyes are so cold.

So hard brown.

His flesh's pale with the iciness that's inside.

Matt's smiles are too sadistic.

Matt grabs onto Jeff's hand again, the touch making Jeff's arm burn into agony and fuse with too much desolation and pain and he just can't take it anymore as Matt leans down towards Jeff and kisses him once again and it's not passionate at all, just rough as Matt's tongue explores Jeff's mouth and as Matt leans back, he sees the tears that are still leaking out from his eyes.

"Matt, please…"

"I can't stop."

"Why not, Matty?" Jeff whispers.

"I just can't! Get used to it!" and that's when all the energy's drained out of Matt's eyes, that liveliness as Matt takes his head in his hands and just shakes his head and the realization of the past few moments that had like hours to both, terror burns in Matt's veins and his arteries are threatening to pop out of his body as realization to how much pain he's put Jeff in, the torture and suffering that he's made Jeff go through, it's…it's just horrible. Completely and utterly horrid.

"Jeff?"

"Matt…please…don't hurt me…I didn't mean…"

Matt steps back and he's ready to walk off as he feels his father's arm push him back towards the wall and Gil runs towards Jeff, running his hand through Jeff's hair and watching as Jeff blinks, the tears are finally gone but the tracks and tracks of his tears are still sticky and visible and his eyes are so red and painful to look at and Matt just takes another breath before he walks off.

He can't believe what he's just done.

All in a moment of anger.

He checks himself back into an asylum, taking his pills and trying to calm down, trying to shuffle out the voice that's burning in his head and trying to understand that it's not real. It's the most normal thing in the world to have your brother suddenly just want you dead in Matt's head, just so normal and it's frightening to know that the things that aren't normal are so ordinary to him in his own messed up fantasy.

He has to make this right.

He has to take his right dosage of pills, and when he goes back to the orphanage, he wants to be there feeling like he belongs there and he's not a part of the Hardy family because he doesn't deserve to be so.

He's going to go to Canada and he's going to like it and he's going to hope that he's going to like his new siblings.

_Hope_.

That word—

He doesn't believe in hope anymore.

_Matty, if you love me, would you make me cry…?_

* * *

**I know that this is turning darker than it's supposed to be but I don't know why. I just go with the flow and the flow is telling me to make Matt do that exactly. I just hope that my Jeffy muse stops me.**

**Jeffy: STOP! STOP!**

**Why isn't he stopping me again?**

**X Sam.**


	25. What Happened to You?

**I know that Matt's act the last chapter wasn't something that anyone expected but Matt is a schitzo...so yeah.**

* * *

25 – What Happened to You?

* * *

That night, Matt checks out of his asylum room and walks inside of Jeff's room to see the boy all cuddled up inside of the sheets of his bed and Matt just walks inside of the room, watching Jeff sleep, the slow rhythm of his chest, up and down, up and down and Matt just touches Jeff's cheek, feeling the life inside of his body as Jeff moves and shifts, completely and utterly in his dream state and Jeff's eyes slowly open, the beautifulness of his eyes just gleaming in the darkness, "Matt?"

Matt doesn't say anything.

"Matt…please…don't hurt me…"

Matt sits down on a plastic white chair and puts his hand back on Jeff's cheek, feeling the warmth that on Jeff's face, Matt's heart just explodes with serenity and tranquility as Matt places his head on Jeff's chest, feeling Jeff hold onto Matt's head, seeing that his brother doesn't want to fight. "I'm sorry…I took my medicine…I'm fine now, see?" Matt smiles but there's still a hint of fear in Jeff's eyes. "Jeff, I won't hurt you again, I promise."

That's when Matt feels the white cast that's engulfing Jeff's arm and it hurts him to know that he's done that.

Dangerous, dangerous Matt.

The silence just engulfs them both, both of them lost into the suffocating silence and both of them don't really care that much at all.

"Jeff, please, I love you."

Jeff stares at him, somehow trying to find a hint of humor or anger or revenge in Matt's eyes but there's nothing but serenity and seriousness and pain that's engulfing Matt's eyes—and sorry, he's so sorrowful for what he's done.

"Jeff…"

"Matt, please! Try to make me understand!"

Matt's eyes look into Jeff's green eyes as Jeff sits up and stares at him, both of their eyes just locked, searching for something…

…_love…_

…_devotion…_

…_need…_

Searching but it's all hidden and plastered behind guilt and shame and fear and crushed hope and just so many emotions—

"Jeff…I want a chance to make this right. Why don't you love me anymore?"

Jeff bites down his lower lip, "Matt…the only reason I don't love you anymore is just because I can't trust you anymore. Look at me, Matt," he lets his hand glide to Matt's shoulder so Matt's staring at him. "I'm not like you. I'm not a killer or schizophrenic or anything, I don't understand the things you do, I don't see things the way you do and I'm just scared that suddenly—you'd end up hurting me. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt, over and over and…I'm not sure it's love, Matt. I think that if I find the real guy, I might like him more…I don't know! I'm just so confused!"

Matt takes Jeff's chin and presses his lips to him into an eager heart pounding kiss and what shocks him is that Jeff is kissing back, both of them making their kisses sweeter and more passionate by the moment as Matt pulls off to gasp for breath.

"Do you trust me, Jeff?"

"No. I'm sorry, Matt."

Matt takes Jeff by his waist, both of his arms pressing and hugging him as Matt kisses Jeff's neck, tasting the soft sweet flesh of him, grunting as Jeff moans softly underneath the touch. "Do you trust me now?"

"No…I'm so sorry…it's just that…"

Matt pulls off, and looks at him, with crushed eyes and a hurt heart and pressed lips as he whispers, "What can I do then, Jeff? What can I do to make you trust me?"

"I-I don't know!"

"You-you just don't seem like the Matt I've always known." Jeff whispers and his voice's so soft and weak. "Not the Matt that I've fallen for. I do like you, Matt, but I feel like one day, I'm gonna wake up next to you and just see how much you've really fallen for me and break your heart when I tell you that I don't feel the same way."

"You're breaking my heart now." Matt says, and Jeff's throat feels clogged with pain as he notices how loud and shaky Matt's voice is. "You're breaking my heart now, Jeffy…you really are and I don't want to hurt you…so why are you hurting me? Is this some sort of revenge? Do you want me to go back to bossing you around? What do you want from me, Jeffy?"

"I…I want my Matt back."

"I am that Matt!" Matt exclaims, "I…I—I—oh, Jeff…"

"Matty, please, calm down," and Matt takes a bunch of short and sharp breaths, kissing Jeff's mouth over and over, tasting the sweetness of his brother and in one of the long, passionate kisses that he's managed to give Jeff, Jeff suddenly pulls off and stares into Matt's eyes, "please, Matt, I want to do this with the person I love. I want—I don't want to feel like a hooker."

Matt just simply nods his head as he stands up and brushes a piece of hair off Jeff's face, "Goodbye."

_Goodbye_.

Jeff feels like it's goodbye forever and he'll never see Matt's face again but he tries to convince himself that it's not as the tears tug at the corners of his eyes.

"G-goodbye…"

The place is all no sound.

"What happened to you, Matty?"

The place doesn't answer him at all but his words are turning into nothing against the thick air and they're so hard to speak up. Last two months, he'd never thought that this would happen at all but it has and it's just sickening.

"What happened to me…?"

* * *

**I just love a weak Jeff. Thanks for all my reviewers. You guys rock like hell. But is anyone still reading? Just joking, please. Don't kill me because of it.**

**X Sam.**


	26. Come Back Home

**Well, Matt is a schitzo. He'll allowed to just snap like that. That usually happens. XD.**

**Anyways, let's get back to the story...**

* * *

26 – Come Back Home

* * *

The cool fresh wind that's surrounding him.

The cold sky.

The sweet music of the world that's around him.

It seems so much after being trapped in the sweaty, cold, uncaring dark hospital of his. He's at a restaurant and he's just had his lunch in front of him and he's eating a spoonful of soup and he finds it difficult to keep his injured hand in one place but the thoughts that are bugging him the most are the thoughts of Matt, his Matt, his sweet Matt, away from him, doing god knows where but he's somehow insured that he's back in the orphanage and remembering the orphanage, his stomach tightens as he drops the huge silver spoon in his hand and it lands in the hot soup bowl.

"Jeff?" Chris takes Jeff out of his thoughts. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jeff responds, letting his head press against his shoulder and he's thinking of Matt all over again and it's hurting him to think that Matt's so far away from him right now, so gone away, and all that Jeff wants to do is wrap his arms around Matt's neck and kiss him, completely and utterly caress the softness of Matt's cheek and he can't do that all because of this horrible nonsense that's been going around and it's all so confusing and he wants Matt but not this Matt. Not this Matt that he's become and he's even added to his personality. He wants his brother back in the house and he thinks that if he gets Matt back in the house, he'll become Matt again, won't he?

A smile creeps against Jeff's mouth, tugging at the corners of his lips as he stands up from his place.

He knows how to get his Matt back.

He knows that he's supposed to take him back home and then, that overprotective part of Matt will come, won't it? He'd always been like that around the house and after the separation, it's all be washed away into nothingness and—and—he's tempted to go back to Matt right now and take him home.

It's where Matt belongs.

It's where Matt and Jeff belong together.

Their home. Their love. And—and—

"Jeff?"

That snaps him out of his thoughts as Jeff notices that Adam's the one who's noticed his sudden phasing out episodes and Jeff nods his head, acknowledging that he's there, "yeah, Adam?"

"You've been acting weird…and you stopped eating completely. Is there something you want to talk to us about?"

Jeff shakes his head and stands up, "I need to get some fresh air."

All of them nod their head as Jeff steps out of the restaurant, just looking through the bluish gray sky and suffocating in the fresh air and feeling the sun burn him to the core and he just runs towards the orphanage with a painted smile on his face.

Everything's going to be alright.

He's going to get his Matt back.

Everything's going to be alright…

* * *

"Matt! Matt!"

Jeff's out of breath and panting but that smeared grin is still on his face and he watches as Matt opens the door and Jeff just tackles him to the ground and giggles as Matt tries to comprehend what's happening and the pain of his throbbing arm doesn't matter as Matt stares at him, confused at the happy, overexcited Jeff but he plays along with Jeff as Jeff and him roll across the hallways, both are laughing and Jeff's still panting as they stop in their place.

"Matt?" a thirteen year old Evan stands by the door and leans towards them both and a smile stretches across Evan's mouth, "I've never seen Matty this happy before."

"He's—he's happy." Cody says from next to him, both of them grinning happily as Matt stares at Jeff and Jeff knows that he's the only one who can make Matt this happy and as Matt pulls him to his feet, Jeff feels something filling up the emptiness inside of his body as Matt hugs Jeff sweetly, running his hand down Jeff's spine, feeling the warmth of Jeff's body against his.

"Evan, Cody, this is my brother, Jeff."

Both circle around Jeff as quickly as they could.

"Matt's been talking about you!"

"He loves you!"

Jeff smiles and looks at Matt, seeing the compassion and comfort and love and he hugs Matt again and Matt looks down at Jeff who has hurt painful eyes, "Matt, please come home. I need you." It's barely a whisper and his throat hurts but he wants to say those words. He needs to stay those words.

Matt holds onto Jeff's shoulder, the happiness fading and the pain overtaking his eyes as Jeff's head presses against Matt's chest and tears burn down his face, sobs escaping his mouth, "Matt…Matt… I love you…please, come home."

Matt kisses Jeff's purple and blue hair and Jeff inhales his brother's scent, feeling Matt's arms protectively wrap around Jeff, hugging and rocking him like a child in a moment of comfort, "but I thought you didn't want me, Jeffy. I thought you didn't love me. I thought you wouldn't want me back…"

"No…I need you…please, come home. I need you…don't you care about me, Matty?" Jeff's hot tears are burning through the cloth of Matt's shirt. "Please…I want you to take the pain away, Matty…"

* * *

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	27. Anymore

**I know the last chapter was sad but I'm sorry to say that it's going to get sadder.**

* * *

27 – Anymore

* * *

It's night all over again.

Jeff can almost hear Matt say _"I'm going to take care of this, Jeff, I'm going to come back home for you"_ and that's all that Jeff's living for right now and now, as the darkness engulfs him into this horrifying world of his, he stops and takes a deep breath and that's when he hears the sound of a rock hitting his window and fear overtakes him for a moment before he steps outside and peers through the window and there, in all flesh and blood and bones, Matt stands with a soft smile on his pouty pink lips and Jeff grins as Matt throws a rope towards the room and Jeff knows what to do as he wraps the huge rope around the leg of his bed, nodding off to Matt as Matt climbs up the rope and seeing him like this, seeing all of this, it's like a fantasy.

Is he really asleep?

Had he fallen asleep…?

Matt takes Jeff's hand as Jeff pulls him up and both of their bodies hit the ground, laughing and laughing as Matt hits Jeff's shoulder in the most playful manner he can and he kisses Jeff's forehead, tasting the sweat of his face and before Jeff can say anything, Matt lips press against Jeff's. Both of them passionately kissing each other with all the infatuation and fiery they could harbor for each other.

"Jeff?" Matt traces his fingers down Jeff's neck, down to Jeff's faded cherry red t-shirt and taking it off as quickly as possible, letting his mouth tackle Jeff's neck but when Matt looks up at Jeff, he sees the truly tiredness in Jeff's eyes, laughing softly, "Jeffy, when did you fall asleep?"

"I didn't," Jeff shows his pearl white teeth.

"Jeff, I know it's a Saturday tomorrow but you need to rest," he carries Jeff from the ground and Jeff presses his body against Matt's chest as both of them feel the coolness of their bodies and Matt places Jeff down onto the bed, both of their bodies snuggling towards each other, both sweltering hot with intensity, and Jeff smiles, seeing that his Matt had somehow returned, caring for his studies and the rest of his life and with that, Jeff finally lets his heavy eyelids drop and both of their bodies press even harder against each other. "Goodnight, Matt."

Matt presses a kiss to the back of Jeff's neck. "Goodnight, Jeff…"

* * *

In the morning, Jeff feels something tap on his shoulder but he grunts and ignores it because he thinks he can but then, he feels his body shake completely and his eyes snap open as he stares up at Matt's hard brown eyes, Matt's already dressed in his fresh dark clothing _and-and-what's going on?_

"Is something wrong?" Jeff asks which he sees Matt shake his head and pull Jeff to his feet and Jeff feels as if he's going to fall flat on his face, his legs are tired and unsteady and shaky and his eyes are ready to drop again, "w-what time is it?"

"Six."

"SIX?!" Jeff exclaims, his eyes widening open but they're still tired and ready to drop at any second as Matt laughs and kisses his cheek while Jeff pushes him off, "why are you waking me up this early?"

"Well, I'm not letting you oversleep, Jeff…"

"Oversleep?! It's fucking six!"

"Jeff, watch your language!"

"My language is English," Jeff mumbles under his breath as he walks towards the bathroom, hoping that when he washes his face and does his morning biddings, he'll be in the mood but even after so, he's not in the mood and he just wants to fall asleep again, stepping out of the bathroom, "what do you do on Saturdays, Matt?"

"The usual. Cook, clean the house, make sure you're doing your homework," he says the last part with a thick, stern voice which makes Jeff shake his head, "oh, come on. Don't say that I don't have any and you can do it later. Go do your homework. Now."

"In six in the morning?" he snaps before he walks towards his desk and pulls a brown file out of his desk and pushes it on his desk, sitting on the chair and trying to concentrate on his homework as he feels Matt's eyes glued to him as he tries to do a math equation and he suddenly feels sick to the stomach. "Matt, would you look away? Go cook or clean or something."

Matt doesn't say anything else as he takes out a thin sheet of paper and takes a pencil, "this is how you do it, Jeff." Letting his pencil glide towards the paper, he grips onto Jeff's shoulder and shoves the paper towards him.

"I don't need advice from someone who dropped out of school."

"What?" Matt says, his voice has an edge and Jeff suddenly finds himself staring at Matt's hard brown eyes, "—what? Say that again."

"You dropped out of school so I don't need your help," Jeff repeats, with thickness in his voice as he stands up, and both of his bodies are pressing against each other but their eyes are locked with each other in anger and fury.

"May I remind you that I dropped out of school to watch over your lazy ass."

Jeff breaks eye contact and walks over to his bed, taking his pillow and screaming in it _and-and-he doesn't doesn't DOESN'T miss this damn prison_ _he's always been in_ he throws the pillow away and walks back towards his desk, seeing at Matt walks away to do his morning activities.

An hour passes and Jeff's still biting at the tip of his pencil at the tenth math equation, and he hears the sound of his door click open and he sees Matt standing there with a tray of food, pancakes on the white plate and a glass of orange juice and a red rose there just because he likes to decorate and Jeff doesn't say another word before he takes the fork, "stop for a second and look at me."

Jeff drops the fork and looks up at Matt who's eyes are the same hard ones they've always been, no sorrow, no guilt, nothing and he stares at the too many papers at Jeff's desk before he chuckles and kisses Jeff's forehead, making Jeff pull him away. "Don't do that. I'm still angry at you."

"I'm going to clean your room now, okay?"

"You clean everything in this house," Jeff rolls his eyes as he takes a bite of the pancakes and he looks back at Matt, "not enough syrup."

"That's because you need a balanced diet and I'm not going to suffocate you with fat and sugar," and Matt cleans while Jeff eats and tries to enjoy this morning but in truth, he's just tired and he wants to crawl back in bed and sleep until the afternoon if he could but he just can't right now since Matt's staring at him with every breath he takes _and-and-how did you fall in love with him?_ Jeff shakes the thought off.

"JEFFERY NERO HARDY!"

Jeff drops the spoon and twists his head to find Matt with angry eyes as he takes out a white bottle, "THIS IS FOR FUCKING HIV, WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE IT!?"

Jeff gulps down the lump in his throat as Matt takes Jeff's wrist and pulls him to his feet, both of their bodies pressing against each other and Matt stares at him with wide open hard eyes, "why do you have a bottle of HIV medication in your drawer…?"

"Why the hell are you looking in my drawer?" Jeff snaps as he feels Matt take him by his shoulder, gripping as tight as ever. "It's because I'm bound to have it! Matt, look at me…look straight at me…do you honestly think I have HIV?"

"I don't know. I want a test. Now."

"Don't you trust me, Matty? I told you that I don't have—"

"I don't trust anything coming from your mouth, Jeff, not anymore…" Matt whispers and those soft words are so hard on Jeff that they're breaking him into pieces and he can't really breathe anymore and he walks off, trying not to let his tears burn down his chests as he clutches Jeff's stomach, and acid's sloshing and splashing on his empty stomach and _he-he-he's so broken when he looks at Matt's eyes_.

* * *

Jeff sits on a cot, with a sad smile and he feels too betrayed. Why does Matt care if he has HIV? He doesn't and he doesn't and he won't. It's almost impossible _and-and he feels so broken_ and why doesn't Matt trust him anymore? And Jeff feels the acid knots in his empty stomach as Matt pulls him down onto the cot and they're ready to poke him with the needle when Jeff screams, "Stop!"

"What?" Matt asks.

"If you're going to test me, I want them to test you," Jeff's voice is cold and uncaring and he feels all too betrayed without Matt's trust and Matt slowly nods his head as they prick him first then they prick a reluctant Jeff who still doesn't want to admit that he might have a phobia of the needle and when both of them are done and when both of them are ready to go home, the doctor stops them. "Boys. One of you is sick. Not HIV sick but…"

Both of their bodies freeze in a second. Right now, whatever the doctor's going to say is going to change their lives forever.

* * *

**I know I'm evil. So what do you think about that cliffhanger? Lol. I'm so evil but I'll update soon.**

**X Sam.  
**


	28. Liar, Liar

**Hope you enjoyed this as well as I did. ;) This was soo fun to write. **

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28 – Liar, Liar

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"If you're going to test me, I want them to test you," Jeff's voice is cold and uncaring and he feels all too betrayed without Matt's trust and Matt slowly nods his head as they prick him first then they prick a reluctant Jeff who still doesn't want to admit that he might have a phobia of the needle and when both of them are done and when both of them are ready to go home, the doctor stops them. "Boys. One of you is sick. Not HIV sick but…"

Both of their bodies freeze in a second. Right now, whatever the doctor's going to say is going to change their lives forever.

The doctor walks towards them and holds onto Jeff's shoulder, "I've seen signs of heroin in your blood, Jeff—"

"HEROIN?!" Matt explodes, taking Jeff by his wrist, and pulling him to him and that makes Jeff let a sob escape from his lips as he rips his hand away from Matt and runs off, nausea rolling in his stomach and Matt runs off after him, watching as Jeff stops at Matt's car, shaking and shivering, Jeff crosses his arms over his flat and smooth chest and he still feels so sick to the stomach as Matt places a hand on Jeff's shoulder. "Why did you have HIV medicine in your drawer, Jeff?"

Jeff bites his lower lip, as hard as ever, "Randy has HIV."

"Then why are you hanging out with someone who has—_HIV_?" Matt says the last words as if it's an illness and Jeff looks back at him, punching him straight in the stomach, and Matt clutches his stomach, gasping, shocked at his brother's sudden outbreak.

"Why am I hanging out with someone who has HIV? Because he's a great friend and I don't want you saying who I can make friends with and who I can't."

"He has HIV!"

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Don't say that! Randy got HIV because of a blood transfusion. It's not his fault!"

"—so you left your old friend for these new ones?"

"Old…" Jeff's eyes widen as he realizes what Matt's talking about and the nausea in his stomach doubles over, intensity, flesh burning inside of his body and he feels his flesh turn hot.

"_Jeff, where the hell are you? It doesn't take you ten hours to come from Mike's house! It's doesn't even take you ten minutes."_

Jeff bites his lower lip. Mike. "Oh, Mike, the poor kid—"

"I am taking you to Mike's house right now. You are going to apologize and set this straight."

Jeff's hot boils. "What if I told you I don't want to be friends with Mike?"

In all truth and in the details, Jeff does miss Mike. That's what four years of close friendship does to them and he remembers on how they used to laugh together, watch and make fun of Dr. Phil together, snuggle and eat ice cream during reruns of _House_ and _Friends_, steal Matt's boxers and wear them just because they want Matt to chase them around the house—all gone…and Jeff doesn't even notice it until Matt points it out. He feels sick and cheap, he feels like he's let down Mike in some way and it just hurts him as hard as ever.

"How can you not? You've been friends for four damn years! How could you, Jeff? What are you turning into?"

"I'm me, Matt. That's just it."

"The normal you wouldn't go two hours without phoning Mike! This new you…I just don't know. This new you—is a slut."

Jeff's heart might've stopped in his place. _Did-did-did he call me a slut? _And it slaps Jeff in the face, thinking that Matt thinks about him this way but in some way, he's been right, so many men have pushed their hands inside of Jeff's pants and have been kissing him so senselessly just because they think that he's a slut and before Matt can apologize, Jeff nods his head. "Yes. Yes, I'm a slut but at least I'm not a liar."

"Liar?" Matt repeats, chewing on his lower lip. "Liar?"

"You lied about Brice. You lied about loving me because you don't, or do you? You're lying about yourself and you don't even care. You're lying so much that I don't know the truth and you don't either. You hate me. I know that but why, Matt, why?"

"I don't hate you."

"Another lie."

Matt just walks towards his car door and opens it, slamming it in anger and frustration and Jeff follows and the car ride home is almost silent as Jeff stares outside of the window, thinking about Mike…his best friend, Mike Mizanin, who he has no idea what's happened to him and when Matt stops at Mike's house, it snaps him out of his trance and Jeff stares back at Matt who's eyes are demanding that he'd go outside and with a grunt, Jeff steps out. He wants to make Mike his friend again but then again, he doesn't want to do anything Matt tells him to do. He doesn't want to give Matt the satisfaction of knowing that he can make him do the things that Matt wants him to do.

He stops as he knocks on the doorway and it's opened by Mike's mother and that makes Jeff smile as he steps inside. "Oh, Jeff," she coos, her voice is bubbly and sweet, "Mike hasn't been feeling well these past few days and I was just hoping that you'd figure out what's wrong."

Jeff nods his head and walks upstairs, knowing each place in this house, the familiarity finally banging him as hard as ever as he knocks onto the doorway of Mike's door, waiting for the blue eyed Ohio native to open the door and just then, he notices just how much he's missed Mike's scent and face and eyes and just as Mike's opening the door, Jeff's heart skips a beat when he sees how distorted and horrible Mike looks like. His always cheery blue eyes are now cracked with pain and his pale skin is almost gray and his pink lips are chapped and his brown-blonde hair looks so brittle from where Jeff stands and knowing that Mike always cares about how he looks like, from designer clothes to fedoras and now that Mike's standing there in black and red sweats, Jeff's heart beats faster. "Mike?"

"Get away from me." Mike's ready to snap the door shut but Jeff steps in front of him and looks around to see how messy his room is and he knows that Mike's not tidy but he's not this messy and when he sees that Mike's still standing there by the doorway, with a slouching back and still too hurt eyes, Jeff hugs Mike who starts shaking hard. "Get away from me! Please!"

"Mike…what happened?"

"It's—I'm—"Mike presses his body towards the wall and his stomach flips violently, "just get out, Jeff. I don't need anymore drama in my life."

Jeff nods his head and walks off, walking out of the house to a sad mother and he steps out of the house only to see Matt sitting in the chair seat, looking all too confident and he walks inside, without another word, "no need to thank me, Jeff."

"THANK YOU?! Mike is a fucking mess! I can seriously go on with my life without seeing that! He doesn't need me around anymore—and God, Matt, I HATE YOU!" Jeff takes his head in his hands and Matt doesn't say another word. He really does feel like Jeff's lying but seeing the pain in Jeff's eyes, he knows that it's the truth. He really did mess up Jeff and Mike's relationship even more.

* * *

**I know. I forgot about Mike at first too. But rereading the first chapter, I was just shocked to my damn brain. Review??  
**

**X Sam.**


	29. Nothing to Talk About

**I just hope that this chappie is good in your taste.**

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29 – Nothing to Talk About

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That morning, at six o'clock, Matt shakes Jeff's shoulder and he waits for Jeff to scream at him for what's time or anything but the boy just quickly flutters his green orbs and looks at the clock once before nodding off to Matt and standing upwards, stretching and he feels every ache in his body and he knows that he deserves it and he walks towards the desk and sits down and takes out the sheets of his homework and Matt watches him and after ten minutes, he leaves Jeff alone but there's a thought just tugging at Matt's head as he starts dusting and cleaning the house. Why's Jeff so cooperative today and-and-why didn't he say anything? Mute and dead on the inside.

Matt makes a stack of pancakes for Jeff, with the chocolate chips just baked into them, and he rarely does that unless he's done something wrong and wants to forgive Jeff and right now, he's just trying to see an emotion light up in Jeff's face, happiness or angry or hate, just anything other than the sad face that he's managed to plaster on his face and as Matt brings the blue tray upstairs, he sets it down on the desk. He goes to cleaning Jeff's room, finding his magazines and seeing pictures of him and Jeff, he doesn't say a word and neither does Jeff. When he goes back to collect Jeff's plate, he sees that Jeff's only eaten half of a pancake and has his fork down, his homework's done and he's just staring out into the window, thoughts buzzing in his head and Matt leans down to kiss his forehead. "Jeff?"

Jeff nods off and stands up and he walks off to the bathroom while Matt goes downstairs with the tray, but his thoughts are on concentrated on Jeff. Why's Jeff acting the way he is? What's wrong? Matt's stomach flips as he remembers the pained look on his face yesterday when he was talking about Mike and when Matt goes upstairs, Jeff gets out of the shower with his drenched, soaked clothing and Matt smiles as he realizes that Jeff also dresses in the bathroom, like him. The soaked flashy green jersey and black pants and Matt chuckles under his breath as he takes Jeff in his arms and hugs him, smelling the soft scent of his conditioner linger. "Jeff, is there something wrong, baby?"

When Jeff hears that, Jeff props down onto the bed and his heart's aching harder than ever and he embraces Matt's body into a hug and Matt runs his hand down Jeff's hair. "Everything's changed, Matty. Everything…" Jeff whispers and Matt sits down beside him on the bed, both of their eyes intensely looking at each other, passion burning, fury sparking, everything in their eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Matt asks, running his hand down Jeff's hair, feeling the softness of his wet locks.

"Nothing to talk about," Jeff sighs but Matt shakes his head and Jeff stares into his eyes and he can almost hear those words, that there is something to talk about and Jeff finds himself having to say the words that are battling and fighting to get out of his mouth. "I left Mike. Two months before all of this shit, you wouldn't have even thought that I would do anything like that to him. Two months before all of this, I was an innocent thirteen year old boy that only had one friend and wouldn't give up the world to ruin their friendship and just wanted to be heard. I wanted people to listen to me and the only way I knew how to do that was underneath a few notes of music and with everything that's happened in my life right now, still, my notes are perfect. They're not me. I'm hearing the music of a stranger. I'm not hearing the distorted and hurt music of Jeffery Nero Hardy. I'm hearing the music of a stranger whose life is perfect and the words that flow with that music, they're not mine either, nothing's mine…just that I'm standing there, playing the music for this stranger instead of me playing my own music. I noticed how torn and painful my music is when it plays inside of me. And I wanted to show that to the world but I just didn't because no one could understand.

"No one wants to understand who I am, Matt. I'm just another boy to them and when I left Mike; I haven't also become a stranger with strange supposed to be happy music. When I went back to Mike's house and saw all those things, it all hit me. I hurt my best friend in ways I didn't even know and-and I can't fix that, Matt. I can't fix it as hard I try. And when I saw him…my Mike, that was supposed to be happy, he's just as broken as I am on the inside, just shattered, inside out and I left him again, hurt him even more and…I don't even know myself anymore."

Jeff takes a deep breath, feeling the ache in his throat but continues talking anyways. "Last night, when I was looking through those school photos that everyone's staring at and taping around in the school gym showers and as I remembered that people shove their hands down my pants now and take off my shirt just because they think I'm a slut, I feel like one…I feel so dirty and cheap, like no one would ever want to touch something as disgusting as me and I realize that Mike doesn't want to even look at me yesterday. When I touched him, he wanted me to go away…I'm so disgusting, Matt…I don't even know why you stick around anymore…I don't deserve to be loved…"

Jeff wipes away his own tears before they fall because he doesn't want to start crying his eyes out. "And my new friends…Chris Jericho, that Canadian blonde that two months ago I used to hate with a furious passion, I'm now getting close to him like a brother and he has to watch me get hurt every single day. They all do. You have to watch me break… damn, I don't want to be so weak…and how he'd stand there, with his guitar, playing base, not complaining about his position even if Adam says that he's got a lot more to him than just standing there base…he takes what he's given and he's okay with it. And two months ago, I would have never have know that.

"Adam Copeland. I used to think all he ever did was sleep with men and women but when I got to know him, I found out that he's a lot more compassionate than that and he reminds me of you. He has that bossy attitude but he loves everyone anyways. That's why I'm sad when he's around but you're not…he reminds me of you…and I love you…" Jeff's voice cracks. "When I see Chris and Adam together, I see that they really love each other and sometimes, it just makes me sick.

"Randy Orton. I guess I even thought that when I found out about his HIV, I thought it would be something like sex or something and when I found out the truth, I've actually realized that there's a lot more to him than just sleeping with men too. He really cares about Cena and I've got to hand it to him…I didn't think he would…"

Jeff shakes his head, "and you…when I fell in love with you, I realized how bright the world is, how much love really means and when I was without you, I was dead on the inside, Matt but now that I have you…and we're back together in this house, I can't help but feeling as if something's missing. The spark we're sharing right now is strong but it's not as strong as it used to be when you were drunk and I fell in love with you. It's not the same…" Jeff whispers and he presses his head into Matt's shoulder, suddenly completely unable to speak, "what does gonna happen to us, Matt?"

"I have to go to Canada and you have to get over me, Jeff. I'm not much of a prize…" Matt ruffles through Jeff's hair, kissing the top of his boiling forehead, "I never really thought that's why you joined that band. I thought it was for popularity and stuff…or a crush—"

"I did have a crush on Randy," Jeff cuts him off, barely able to say those weak words and as Matt nods his head, lying Jeff down onto the bed, he holds onto him, feeling the warmth of their bodies as they press against each other, feeling every breath they take as they kiss each other, over and over and they don't need another word. Right now, all they want and need and care about is each other and that's how they both wish it would stay like.

At night, just before Jeff had gone to sleep, Matt kisses his lips and slips off Jeff's jersey, just to feel that body press against his, it's just enough for them right now, and as Matt kisses Jeff's nose, they both are ready to nod off to rest, except Matt takes Jeff's hair and strokes it, just so Jeff could fall asleep faster. "So much for nothing to say. You said everything today."

Jeff giggles and nods his head. "I love you, Matty. Goodnight."

"I love you, too, Jeff," Matt says, taking off his own shirt and pulling the sheets on top of them, both of their body weight barely supports Jeff's tiny bed but they don't really care as Jeff kisses Matt's barely shoulder and before Matt can turn the heat up, Jeff just falls asleep and Matt shakes his head, saying that he'll have a night with Jeff sometime soon and before he can finish the thought, Matt falls asleep.

* * *

**What happened to all my reviewers? Me gots no reviews from the last chappie. It's cool.**

**Review this one??**

**X Sam.**


	30. Nothing’s Fine

**The title says it all. **

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30 – Nothing's Fine

* * *

_I'm going to make things right._

It's lunch time and Jeff walks to his usual table carrying a tray of his food and before he can say anything to his band, he stops when he notices Mike from across them, he's sitting alone with no food and just staring at the table all too blankly, his sad blue eyes are plastered with pain and his pale face is just too pale and Jeff walks over to Mike, taking his hand and pulling Mike with him towards his table, and Mike sits down, trying to understand what amusing thing Jeff has in mind.

"Guys, this is Mike Mizanin, he used to be an old best friend," Jeff gleams his teeth at him, trying to be friend but the awkward silence is too much and at that moment, Jeff realizes that Mike and Randy are glaring straight at each other, both eyes burning with coldness and rigidity and Jeff feels his stomach flip. What's going on? He doesn't want to do and it's sickening him to think that he's just making things worse for Mike. "Randy? Mike?"

The words make Randy and Mike speak.

"MIKE, YOU SLUT!"

"Can't you just leave me alone about it?"

"No! You ruined my life!"

"Whoa…like mine is just peachy keen, Randy!"

Chris stands up and shoves them both apart from each other, both of their eyes staring at each other with fiery and fire and just before Randy can say anything, Chris speaks up, "Randy, what in hell's name is wrong with Mike? And what's wrong with you and him? Explain."

"MIKE IS A SLUT!"

"I'm like crying, Randy." Mike pretends to cry, wiping his eyes out with his fists. "Like I care what you think!"

"You're the reason I have HIV!"

"It was the only way to save your ass and I had to do it!"

"Stop! Stop!" Chris raises his arms at them both, trying to get them to stop talking and calm down and it's worked. "Explain, Randy. Mike. I don't care who starts as long as someone explains what in hell's name is going on."

Mike sighs, "he lost blood when he did this motocross thing and my mother works in the hospital and when Randy came in the ER, we had to get him blood fast but his father wasn't around and Randy's mother's blood type is different but my blood type is the same as his so I gave him a blood transfusion but then, later on, I got this massive headache and I got tested for HIV and it said it was positive. I told Randy and he just blew up in my face. It was an emergency. He could've fucking died and instead of thanking me, he's screaming at my face."

"If he wasn't such a slut, he wouldn't have HIV!" Randy exclaims, clenching his hands into fists and staring at Mike's face.

"Just be happy I saved your life, pal!" Mike responds, his eyes angry, his pale face turns to red in a matter of moments.

"Guys…" Chris attempts to calm them both down but with no success, "GUYS!" still no success, both of them are tired of getting cut off from their argument and as Adam tries to shush them, Chris realizes that they're not going to stop just by saying 'stop' and 'guys' and 'people are staring at us'.

Jeff's head's spinning and his blood's boiling and damn… "AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT A SLUT THAT TAKES DRUGS!"

Both of their heads twist to see Jeff's. Silence sinking in and at that moment, Jeff realizes that everyone's staring at him and he feels himself flush with embarrassment, his body turning cherry red and before anyone can say anything, Jeff stands up and walks off, so embarrassed from the events of today. He sees that he's done enough damage for one day.

* * *

After school, all that Matt knows is that it hadn't been a good day as Jeff flings himself at Matt, sobbing and hugging him tightly like a bear as Jeff lies on top of Matt on the couch, both of their bodies are pressing as hard as ever against each other and no words are coming out of their mouths, and before Matt knows it, he presses his lips against Jeff's and the rest of the world seems to melt away. "Jeff? What happened today?"

"I called myself a slut that takes drugs in front of the whole school," he sulks miserably, his eyes on Matt's chest, unable to look at the undeniable shock that'll overtake his brother's eyes and Matt kisses Jeff's mouth without another word.

"Jeff, baby, I need to talk to you about something," Matt brushes a strand of hair away from Jeff's face and Jeff's face crumples in confusion and concern and before Jeff can say anything, Matt presses his lips to his into another slow and passionate kiss and as he pulls away, he strokes Jeff's ear, "I think…I don't want to see you with drugs anymore, Jeff. You're a good kid. I don't want to see you get messed up over nothing, baby."

"Messed up?" Jeff repeats. His voice shaky and pained.

"No, don't think about it this way, cupcake, don't think about it this way…" Matt brushes his hand against Jeff's cheek, feeling the wetness of his face. "I just want you to be fine. I love you, Jeff and I can't handle seeing you hurt yourself so hard. You're going up the ladder too fast and you're just daring yourself to fall from where you've reached. And I don't know if you're going to make that fall. And I don't know if I'm going to be there to catch you, Jeffy. But when I can, Jeff, I will catch you—I just don't want you to fall."

Jeff nods his head, "I-I-I'll try to. I'll try to quit."

Matt kisses Jeff's sweaty forehead and both of them cuddle into each other's arms, both of them letting the warmth last and they know that they really don't care about anything but them right now, ready to melt in each other's arms, ready to fall into a black pitch of their disasters as long as they do it together.

When Jeff feels Matt move to make dinner, he lays there on the couch, with a pillow in his hands, and he runs his fingers through the slightly rough surface before he sighs, "nothing's fine anymore…"

* * *

**I wuv you guys.**

**Now review. XD.**

**X Sam.**


	31. No Hope

**SICK CHAPTER. You can skip if it you want.**

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31 – No Hope

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It's the first date of going without drugs and even at the morning, he can't get the thought of heroin away from himself as he strides down the hallways and stops when he notices that the hallways are practically cleared and he's too early for school and as he leans back towards the lockers, hearing the sound of boots hit the floor, he looks up to see Hunter staring at him, his name's Paul but everyone's always called him Hunter and Jeff doesn't care about the reason why, he just knows that he has to watch his back with Hunter and before Jeff can tell Hunter to jack off, Hunter takes Jeff by his wrist and pulls him to him, shoving his hand down Jeff's jeans and the feeling always feel horrible even if he's gotten used to it.

"Hunter, stop," Jeff snaps at him.

"Feisty one, aren't you? I'll stop…but I heard you yesterday. What kind of drug are you on?" and those words just make Jeff flush and burn as Hunter presses his hand towards Jeff's butt cheek, gripping tight and Jeff's so happy that no one's around this early but Hunter and him and he just hopes that they're the only ones striding through the hallway and before Jeff can say another word, he opens a closet and shoves him and Jeff inside, a cocky smile on his face. "What kind of drug?" he repeats with a louder voice.

"Heroin." Jeff snaps, with an aching voice and a dry throat.

Hunter takes something out of his pockets and when Jeff sees the bottle, his heart's ready to explode as he reaches out for the drug but Hunter raises it from his reach and his smirk widens, "only after sex, Jeff."

Jeff stares at him and his heart's just sinking to his stomach before he nods his head. He just needs it. He really needs it. He really, really needs it and he's just sorry that he loves the drug so much but Matt's taken all of his stash and he doesn't know where else to get some right now other than the bottle that's resting in Hunter's hands.

In moments, they're both naked and Jeff watches as Hunter puts a finger inside of him and Jeff bites his lower lip, Hunter puts in a second finger and Jeff lets out a slight moan even if he doesn't want this, his body does and before Jeff can do anything thing, Hunter pushes three fingers inside and Jeff can't take it anymore as he grips onto the door of the closet, gripping hard to resist the urge to wrap his arms around Hunter. This isn't right…if Matt hears about this, if—

_Matt…_

He can't betray Matt.

He can't.

Jeff lets out a loud moan and Hunter puts his hand on Jeff's mouth, telling him to shut it and that makes Jeff have tears in his eyes at the rigidity of Hunter's hand and the thoughts that are blazing through his head and before another sound can be heard, the door creeks open and there standing is Phil Brooks with wide brown eyes and as Hunter sees him, he shoves Phil to the floor and takes off his clothes as well, making Jeff freeze in motion as he realizes that Hunter won't be easy on Phil at all and he can't offer drugs to Phil. Everyone knows about the straight edge's hate for drugs. And before Phil can scream, Hunter cups his mouth. "I want you two right here. Threesome. Now."

Jeff slips down onto the floor and takes Phil's shoulders, whispering a "sorry" as Hunter instructs Jeff and after the instructions are done, Phil has to suck Jeff's cock while Hunter fucks him and as Phil tries to do that, without choking, Hunter thrusts inside of Phil, hard as ever and Phil bites Jeff, causing Jeff to squeal and after a few hard thrusts, Hunter comes inside of Phil, it's not long until Jeff comes inside of Phil's mouth and Hunter forces Phil to swallow. They exchange position and Jeff finally sees how horrible this is all turning into, how he's choking and paining and afterwards, Hunter throws a bottle of heroin to Jeff and when Phil sees that, he realizes what's going on as his eyes turn into a fierce brown color, acid inside of his eyes, "I just lost my virginity to a guy who just wants to get rid of an erection because of a drug?"

Jeff drops the bottle from his hands and holds his head in his hands as he realizes how much he's made Phil suffer and at that moment, hugs Phil and both of them just realize how tired and worn out they are, every muscle in their body ache, "I'm sorry, Phil…I didn't mean to—"

Before Jeff can finish the sentence, he's blacked out and so has Phil.

* * *

He watches Hunter walk around the school hallways and he hears a muffled sound coming out of the closet and his eyes are dilating and before he can say anything else, Matt walks over to the closet. Jeff had forgotten his lunch and Matt had found out five minutes after Jeff had stepped out and he walks inside of the closet to see the worst thing he'd ever seen in his head and he just doesn't understand why and Jeff on the floor with Phil sprayed on top of him, both of them blacked out and both of them are just naked and that scares Matt more than anything as he leans down towards both and takes his cell phone out, "911? 911?"

* * *

Jeff slowly opens his eyes to see that Matt and Phil are standing by each other and he tries to understand what's going on and then he remembers this morning to school and Hunter and his stomach sloshes with acid—

"Phil, you bitch! Why were you fucking my brother?!"

"I wasn't!"

"Yes, you were! I saw the scene and—"

"Hunter came to us," Jeff starts, his voice raw and rough, pain biting every word he says as he realizes how rough his throat is, "and he held us against our will and fucked us just because I wanted a bottle of heroin."

"Like I believe that!" Matt exclaims, staring straight into Phil's eyes with fury and anger and rage and before Matt can hit Phil, Jeff stands up, feeling an ache in his body and he's ready to fall on the floor as he walks in the middle of Phil Brooks and Matt Hardy and his body's all shaking and shivering and they both stare at Jeff as Jeff stares straight into Matt's rage-exploding eyes.

Jeff's words finally fall out of his mouth, without another thought, "you weren't there, Matt. You don't know what we've been through."

Phil can only nod his head and rub his eyelids, walking beside Jeff and nodding his head at Matt, the weakness and fragileness of his state replaces with rigidity and hardness and his eyes are mirroring Matt's. "Why weren't you there, Matt? You said if I fell out of the ladder, you'd said you'd try at catch me but no, I ended up falling from the same cliff twice, I'm still a drug addict and I'm still a slut and you did nothing to change that, did you, Matt? Do you know how I felt like when I was down on that floor? Do you know how it feels like to be fucked senselessly against your will?"

"YES. YES, I DO!" Matt exclaims and the silence doesn't even last a moment before Jeff says those words that are battling at the tip of his tongue.

"You lied about Brice, remember?"

Matt takes his head in his hands, grunting and remembering _his_ touch and _his_ kiss and—before he knows it, "that story I told you was true…except for that one part about Brice. The person that's raped me—if I tell you who—you'd just get hurt, Jeff. You'd just go insane. And this will change your live forever and that's the only reason I'm keeping it a secret from you."

"Tell me," Jeff encourages him, shaking, "tell me who it is, Matty."

Matt stares at him as tears threaten to spill from his eyes and his lips are quivering and Jeff doesn't think that anyone could affect Matt like this but it's had, "It's our dad, Jeffy."

_There's no hope in this world anymore._

* * *

**Come on! You expect this thing from me all the time! Who guessed that? No flames because of this, pwease.  
**

**X Sam.**


	32. Cold

**I'm glad that Matt's rapist was a shock to you all! :) I seriously thought someone would call me sick... XD.**

* * *

32 – Cold

* * *

After getting out of the hospital, Jeff's covered in his thin sheets and is suffocating with coldness and Matt walks inside, with a tray of dinner but as he puts the tray on the desk, he takes off Jeff's covers and sees that Jeff's asleep, his eyes slowly fluttering, pained green eyes that are drowning in tiredness and drowsiness and Matt sighs, as he'd always had when he realizes that Jeff's too tired for fooling around and as Matt's about to leave, Jeff weakly grabs onto Matt's hand, "Matt?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you come here?" Jeff whispers.

"Well, I got you dinner but since you look like you're going to fall asleep, I don't want to wake you up." There's an edge to Matt's voice and Jeff can almost feel his erection from where he's laying and it's scaring him to know that Matt wants him so bad and even with all the tiredness and drowsiness, he's owed it to Matt so he starts to take off his sweatshirt, hardening Matt's already hard cock and before Matt can mention that Jeff's probably tired, Jeff leans down and wraps Jeff's length around his mouth, tasting the sweaty taste of flesh against his mouth, as he sucks onto Matt and Matt runs his hand through Jeff's hair, moaning and Jeff bobs his head up and down as quickly as he could and he only stops when Matt comes in his mouth.

Jeff licks it off and Matt stares at him, completely turned on by the way Jeff's body sways and he starts stripping Jeff until he's lying completely and utterly naked on his bed, Matt discards his own clothing, kissing Jeff's neck, and lying on top of him, he and Jeff share a passionate kiss and before Matt can say anything, he puts his finger in Jeff, feeling him moan and after he puts another finger in Jeff and Jeff struggles not to fall asleep even after all of the fierceness that burns between them, Matt pushes inside of Jeff, feeling the tightness of Jeff, he wraps his arms around Jeff's waist, "so trapped…" he whispers into Jeff's ear and Jeff's too breathless to say anything.

He thrusts in and out of Jeff, going from soft and slow to quick and rough and when he feels Jeff come, he comes inside of Jeff too as hard as he could and now that Matt's tired, he kisses the back of Jeff's neck and they both fall asleep without another word coming out of their mouths.

* * *

It's around ten o'clock when Matt hears the doorbell rings and it's of all people Randy Orton as he steps inside of the house with a smeared painted smile and looks around, "where's Jeff?"

"Showering," Matt responds, rolling his eyes as he watches Randy make his way downstairs to upstairs and Matt rolls his eyes as he goes back to the kitchen to clean and he hears Randy and Jeff's chuckles and giggle as they make their way downstairs and he rolls his eyes once again, so typical of these two, isn't it?

* * *

Jeff lies on the couch, still sore from last night event's to really be able to get up in the morning but he gets up anyways and even if Randy claims that he's dying on the couch, Jeff stills snuggles into the couch and Randy still makes jokes as he leans down besides Jeff and the awkward silence sinks in.

"How's your brother?"

Jeff thinks for a moment. "He's fine. John?"

"He's sick. That's why I came over here."

"Oh," Jeff realizes and gives one of the sweetest smiles he could harbor. "Hope he gets better. Did you tell him that—?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did actually." Randy assures him, that smeared smile stretching and just by that, Jeff known that it's all gone well.

Jeff nods his head, digesting the information and he doesn't know what makes him say the words he's said but he needs needs _needs_ another opinion, "Randy…I need your opinion. If you slept with someone just because you're sorry for them and feel ashamed afterwards, what would you do?"

Randy's eyes widen at the thought of innocent, innocent Jeff doing that and he bites down his lip, trying to push the thought away but he knows that Jeff's going to ask for an answer soon. "You slept with someone just because you felt sorry for them?"

Jeff gulps and feels the lump in his throat before he nods his head as slow as ever, unsure of his personality himself right now and he's afraid of being judged _but he's always been a slut so why should he care?_ And those words echo through Jeff's too hollow body as Randy tries to find a solution. "I-I honestly don't know, Jeff. I've never been in that situation before."

"Thanks, anyways."

Silence passes for a few more ten minutes before Randy flickers on the TV and they end up watching a 2003 comedy that both of them had watched but it's a way to break the silence that's sunk through their skin and Jeff looks up at the ceiling, trying to understand why he feels this way he does and the shame and disgrace just gets worse and worse by the minute and he can't do anything about it.

In the middle of the movie, Randy hears his cell go off and tells Jeff he has to go, not mentioning the problem to him before rushing off and Jeff steps inside of the kitchen where Matt's been sitting there, with his head in his hands and Jeff doesn't understand what's wrong but is concerned and steps towards Matt, "Matty?"

Matt's breath tightens, "did you really sleep with me because you felt sorry for me?"

Jeff's heart explodes and his eyes pop wide open as he's realized that Matt's heard his conversation with Randy as he feels even more nauseated by the thought of Matt being so hurt because of him, "I'm sorry, Matt."

Matt takes Jeff's wrist and pulls him close, their face only inches away, their lips are so close, "Jeff, tell me, do you love me or don't you? Because I don't want to settle for fake relationships based on just sex and hookups whenever. I don't want you to kiss me just because I've been raped. I want you to kiss me and make love to me just because you love me!"

"…Matt, I-I don't know what I feel for you anymore," Jeff responds, over the past few days, Matt's forceful nature had driven Jeff over the edge _do this do that see this hear that I'm sick of it_ and he's unsure of him and Matt can keep this relationship without finding bumps on the way and Jeff knows that he's throwing away so many things—marriage and a family are two of them—and he's so unsure right now, thinking and thinking, over and over in his head as the silence lingers.

Matt finally speaks up, "I don't know if I have feelings for you either." He confesses and they both stare into each other's lies, all that passion, all that love, all that care, had it just been fake? They both don't know and they're both itching to know. "What if…what if we go on a date? Somewhere where no one knows who we are and no one would do anything to tear us apart…we need to explore our feelings, Jeff and that's the only way I know how to do it."

Jeff nods his head, "fine. Let's go on a date tomorrow."

Both of them feel a horrible feeling at the pit of their stomachs. Jeff feels as if something horrible is going to happen but he's taking the chance as he slips in the covers and waits for Matt to hold him as he sleeps but Matt doesn't come and Jeff hugs himself, pressing himself to the bed, trying to pretend that Matt's there to hold him tonight and the coldness is burning inside of him and he needs Matt's warmth right now but he's sure that Matt doesn't want to see him right now.

* * *

**So...they're gonna go on a date? It only took 32 chapters! XD. Yay! What do you think is gonna happen? Will it go smoothly?  
**

**X Sam.**


	33. Illusions of a Perfect Date Part 1

**THE DATE! Whoo whoo whoo!**

* * *

33 – Illusions of a Perfect Date Part 1

* * *

Jeff throws his thick clothing on Chris Jericho's face and Chris takes the piece of cloth away as Jeff's boxers attack Chris's face and he's engulfed into the scent of Jeff before he throws that away and he stops and walks towards Chris's body and looks through the multicolor clothing on the bed, "what do I wear, Chris?"

Chris takes off his sweater so that Jeff could see the red 'Jericho' jersey he's wearing underneath and he takes that off too, taking one of Jeff's sweatshirts and wearing that and before Jeff can ask him what he's doing, Chris takes his red jersey off the floor and hands it over to Jeff, "that, faded blue jeans and a black belt would do."

Jeff stares at the dark red jersey and shakes his head, "Chris, this has 'Jericho' on it."

"So? It's a place too!" Chris exclaims which causes a shuffled giggle to come out of Jeff's mouth and Chris finds it adorable as he throws him a silver chain, "this will go well too."

"You steal this from Cena?" Jeff says, looking over the familiar dog tag and Chris nods his head, making Jeff laugh once again.

"What? He's sick! He's not gonna know!"

Jeff throws the dog tag back at Chris and walks into the bathroom and it takes him too long but he finally gets out of the bathroom with Chris's red jersey and he still feels as if there's something missing as he bites the inside of his cheek, his black pants are completed with long black boots and he looks for some sort of accessory to stand out but he doesn't find anything so he gives up and finally asks Chris for his opinion. "My opinion? That is one awesome shirt. Where did you get it from? Like seriously?"

Jeff rolls his eyes and he walks outside of the door, looking at his watch. Only an hour now and he watches as Chris moves from his position and grips his hand onto Jeff's shoulder in comfort for his nervousness, "sorry we can't double date. I would've gone on a date but Adam had gotten the bug from Cena and I promised that I'd get him a move and we might go for a drive. He doesn't like being all in one room." Chris rolls his eyes. "Hope things go well on your date! Tell me all about it."

Jeff chews on his lower lip _Chris doesn't know that I'm going with Matt_ but he pushes the thought away and grins before Chris walks away. He spends the next hour panicking and just praying to God that nothing goes wrong.

* * *

"_Nothing's gonna go wrong tonight, Matt. I promise."_

The roads. The houses. The sky. It's all too different. Jeff presses his head against the cold glass as Matt goes deep into this unknown void, a different place in the world, Jeff has never been outside of North Carolina and he's scared that Matt's been driving for hours just to go to the outskirts of North Carolina and when Matt stops at a fancy restaurant, Jeff gives a soft smile as Matt stops and walks out to get Jeff.

Jeff feels completely humiliated. Matt's really dressed up for this thing, with tux, a red silk tie that seems to be suffocating him and his walk's still with elegance and Jeff knows that Matt's trying too hard but he doesn't say anything about it as Matt pulls him from the car and they are engulfed by the cold night that's around them. It's warm when Matt touches Jeff's face and as they make their way towards the restaurant.

Once seated, the silence burns between them.

"Matt, where did you find out about this place?" Jeff asks him, his eyes soft and peaceful and he just hopes that the serenity would last but there's something in Jeff's head that's telling him that this won't last and he just pushes those thoughts away as he pays attention to the night around him, couples, married ones, teenagers just fooling around, gay couples, everything, the romantic atmosphere is too much for Jeff to handle.

"I just did when Ted and I went driving and we kinda went far but since we've found this place, we've been bringing in our dates," Matt explains and then shakes his head when he remembers Ted, "hadn't seen Teddy in a while though."

"No one has. I think he moved." Jeff responds and remembers how Matt would be a lot more laid back and careless around Ted that he's around him but that's how all the friends were, after all, weren't they? And he smiles at the thought of that happy go lucky Matt and he realizes how much he's attached to Matt himself, in anyway and shape, he's always bounced back in his arms, is that fate telling him that they're supposed to be together? He hopes so.

"I've been lonely anyways." Matt says, and his voice is full of bitterness and knowing that, it attacks Jeff on the inside too since he hasn't been such a friend to Matt anyways.

"Then don't be lonely, Matt. Be with me."

"—I just don't think that I can stand leaving someone else or watching someone else leave. Jeff, today, we might go to the house and fuck each other's brains out. Maybe even tomorrow and the day after but there's one day where you're going to wake up and roll over and I'm going to be all the way over to Canada. And that's going to hurt you so hard and no one's going to be there to catch you when you fall from that ladder and snap your head, Jeff."

"I can move on but I need you now." Jeff tells him, "okay, you're right, we might fuck today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and one day I will wake up and roll over and see that you're gone to Canada and it's just going to hurt me more than ever and I am going to fall and break my entire body too but it's better than going home right now feeling as if I've messed up this relationship because of yesterday. It's better than going home right now and feeling as if there's something wrong with me and I can't get a relationship even from someone who loves me…" Jeff's voice is cracking and Matt can hear it in his voice.

Both of their eyes are staring at each other and the intense silence burns between them as Jeff hears his cell phone buzz in his jeans and underneath the table, he checks for the Caller ID. Chris Jericho. He pulls the phone back in his jeans and ignores it but Chris has been calling more than five times and Jeff looks at Matt's face, "baby, I'm going to go to the bathroom."

He disappears inside of the bathroom, sitting in a stall and presses the phone to his ear, the cold metal burning through his warm ear, "hello, Chris? What's wrong?"

Chris's voice is slightly cracked when he talks. "Remember when I said that I was going to watch a movie with Adam and probably go out for a drive?"

Jeff nods his head, "yeah…Chris, what's wrong?" Never in all his life has he heard Chris sound so weak and fragile, always strong and demanding and this is worrying Jeff too much. That Jeff's in pain and agony and he can't do anything right now. He's outside of North Carolina and he can't get there in time without Matt noticing that he's been gone for hours for no apparent reason. "Chris?"

"It's Adam. When we went out for a drive," his voice is shaking even if he's trying to steady it, "he took the wheel and insists that he can drive and me and Adam were battling for the steering wheel and w-we got into a car accident…I'm fine but Adam…Adam…" he's stuttering and the dial tone makes Jeff snap out of the trance and the line's been disconnected and worry and nervousness flushes him as he walks out of the bathroom. He promised Matt that he won't let anything get in the way of their date but…he needs to make sure that Adam and Chris are both safe.

"Oh, Jeff!" that smile that's stretching on Matt's face—he can't ignore it…it's too happy and he doesn't want to take away the only hint of Matt's happiness in months.

_What am I going to do?_

* * *

**So what is he going to do?**

**X Sam.**


	34. Illusions of a Perfect Date Part 2

**I'm becoming more addicted to the Chris/Adam pairing. I didn't think I would though. :) They were just a mention but they're really rubbing off on me. And I hope Adam's okay, too and I'm the one writing. Let's hope I didn't kill him.  
**

* * *

34 – Illusions of a Perfect Date Part 2

* * *

By the time the food's come around, both Jeff and Matt are trying to enjoy the silence as they eat and in the middle of that, Matt takes a bit of jam from a tiny bread and he puts the it on Jeff's nose and he waits for Jeff to do something but the sadness doesn't plaster from his face and Matt leans down to lick the jam off, Jeff pushes him off, taking a tissue and wiping it off.

"Jeff? Who's being a sour puss?" he asks him, playfully, trying to lighten Jeff's dark mood but it doesn't work. "Jeff?"

"I just need to go wash my face," Jeff stands up and walks towards the bathroom and slams the door shut behind him, washing his face, feeling the coldness of the water get absorbed by his skin and he's just so dizzy and he feels so horrible and so very sick and just about he's going to walk from the door, Jeff takes the phone and presses it against his ear, "Chris?"

"Jeff? Where are you? I can barely get a line from you," Chris's voice is still shaky and broken, "—are you okay?"

Jeff feels guilt ridden as he nods his head and then he realizes that Chris can't see him, "I'm fine but how's Adam? Is he doing well?"

"I don't know. They won't let me in. They won't even let his parents in. It's horrible. He was bleeding…like hell—when I saw him get stretched towards the ER, damn. That sight is scaring the hell out of me." And before Jeff can say anything else… "I'm so scared. I don't think that Adam's gonna make it. And if he does, I still feel like it's my fault. I should've said no when he asked to go out for a drive. I…I'm sorry for ruining your date, Jeff. It's just that I need to get a hold of someone and Randy and John are on their way but still…in some way, I can't talk to them like I can talk to you."

Jeff hears the dial tone once and when he looks up with a blazing face, he sees the image of Matt by the doorway with slightly wide eyes as Jeff tries to explain that Adam needs him around and Matt nods his head once more as they both discard from the restaurant. Jeff can't help but feel like he messed up everything. Matt's trying so hard to make this date almost perfect but Jeff's ruining it and during the drive, Jeff can't help but feel like as hard as Matt could've tried, a perfect date's just an illusion.

* * *

Even standing by the doorway, it's around ten at night and Matt watches as Jeff looks around with those eager eyes, trying to digest the hospital scene in front of him as his stomach flips and Matt knows that Jeff knows that he's angry because after all that Matt's done, Jeff's still managed to find a way to mess up their supposed to be perfect date and now as they walk towards the waiting room, finding Chris standing there by the operating room, with eyes staring at the door blankly and when Chris sees Jeff, he hugs him as hard as ever, "glad you can make it."

Matt's still filled with rage even if he feels slightly sorrowful on Chris's behalf but there's anything thing bubbling in Matt's veins. _Envy_. He's envious of Jeff because Jeff has friends while Matt is a complete loner and that makes him feel sad that he can't hug and comfort his friends—hell, Jeff is his only friend and he doesn't want to share Jeff at all and as Chris kisses Jeff's forehead, he rubs onto Jeff's back. "I'll call you when Adam's done with…" Chris's eyes flash to the word OPERATION on the door and it's hurting him. "He's only fifteen…it's scaring me…"

Jeff wraps an arm around Chris's neck and presses his head in Chris's chest and Chris finally sobs, gripping onto Jeff's body, "all my fault…all my fault…" he whispers, with that cracked voice. "All my fault, Jeffy…"

Matt turns away and clicks on his heel, walking around the hospital, walking outside, trying to understand this simple term called friendship. He's had a friend before. Ted. But they weren't even that close and that hurts Matt knowing that he can't even have a friend to have a boyfriend, maybe he's doing something wrong, maybe that's why their relationship is so off, maybe it's Matt's fault and not Jeff's and he stops outside at the bench, seeing John Cena and Randy Orton making out and he shakes his head. Why can't it be that simple? Why can't he have the same passion for Jeff as everyone else has? Is there something wrong with him?

Something so very wrong with him…?

Matt walks back towards the hospital to see that Chris had sat down on the chair and is asleep but there are tear tracks staining his face and Jeff's on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and Matt sits down next to Jeff, staring at Jeff as he strokes Chris's arm and Matt suddenly wonders, does Jeff want a real relationship? With a man that he can marry and claim as his own? It's hurting Matt to know that Jeff might want to marry him someday and start a family and Matt won't be able to do that since they're blood related and no one's going to know that they're together this way. They're sacrificing too much because of all of this.

Jeff cuddles close to Matt's body, both of their bodies pressing against each other and the misery resides as a doctor comes out of the operating room which snaps them all into trance. Adam's parents talk with the doctor and Chris is sweating so rapidly that he can't really breathe and when they go inside, Chris stands up and follows them, followed shortly by Jeff and Matt. They don't know how long it takes for Randy and John to walk inside as well but they have.

There, in his cot, Adam lays, his body wrapped with the white covers and his flesh has rotted with dry blood, his entire arms and shoulders and his mouth has blood running from his pink mouth and his eyes are barely open, those half slits of pure blue peering from those eyes and Chris walks towards him, leaning down to sit on a plastic white chair and Adam stares at him, watching as Chris crumples and lets the tears fall as hard as ever. Adam lets his hand go to Chris's face and wipe the tears away, "Chris…don't cry."

"All my fault, Adam," Chris shakes his head, letting the tears spill harder, "all my damn fault…"

Matt turns to Jeff, "let's go, Jeff." There's an edge of coldness in his voice and Jeff nods his head as he walks away. He knows that if he's going to stay here, he's going to feel sick and he waves goodbye before he walks away, just happy that Adam's fine and the car ride's too silent and when they're home, both of them are walk towards the couch, ready to decide what's going to happen in those few days before Matt has to go to Canada.

_Don't break me, Matt. Please, don't break me._

* * *

**So Adam's okay.**

**X Sam.**


	35. Illusions of a Perfect Date Part 3

**...hope you're happy. Another update today! :D**

* * *

35 – Illusion of a Perfect Date Part 3

* * *

It doesn't take long for Matt to push Jeff to the floor, completely pressing him to the floor, Jeff feels squeezed and he's trying to comprehend that the anger that's ravishing Matt's eyes is too real to be ignored, "Why can't I have a moment of peace, Jeff?" he snaps at him, making Jeff feel horrible on the inside, completely and utterly broken with the acidity in his voice. "Why?!"

"Matt…" Jeff whispers, trying to calm him down but Matt shakes his head and cups Jeff's cheek violently.

"Jeff, you know what I did for you?" Matt snaps, his voice burning with darkness and hate, thick and laced with detestation, "you know how long it took for me to get this clothes? To pretend that it doesn't matter that that place used to be mine and Ted's hangout and it won't matter that I'm taking someone there so shortly after he moved away? You know how hard it was for me to walk into the bathroom and see you paying more attention to a phone call other than me?"

"Adam had a car accident! I had to do what I did. We had to ruin our date." Jeff snaps at him, acid spitting with every word that left his mouth, "Maybe it's fate, Matty. Maybe we're not supposed to be together."

Matt laughs, that maniac bubbly laugh that fills Jeff up with fear and terror and before Jeff can try and move away, Matt presses him even harder to the cold, hard floor, "all I wanted is just one night—not even a day—for us to be alone together and you always have to bring your stupid friends into this mess. Why don't you care about me?"

"When you were gone, all I thought about was you! All I cared for, and breathed for was you, Matt! It's just this one time…" Jeff whispers underneath his breath. "Why is this so hard for us? Why can't we just have one night shunning the world? You know I want to ignore what's happening around me and just be in your arms, Matt. You know that I want that as much as you do."

"Then why can't we have it?"

Silence sinks through them and Jeff presses his lips to Matt's, both of them kissing and Jeff's tongue explores Matt's mouth and before they can do anything, Matt pulls them both away. "No, let's not do this. Not when you know that we're going to the same fight tomorrow."

Jeff reaches out for him, trying to press his lips against his again but Matt grips onto his shoulders, "I want you, Matt."

"Oh really? Or is just an excuse so we don't have to talk about this?" Matt says and he notices that Jeff's face drops and he knows the answer before Jeff can even say anything as he shakes his head, "you sometimes make me sick, Jeff. Why don't you love me? Is there something that's stopping you from seeing that I'm practically in love with you?"

"Because you don't act like it!"

"I love you, Jeff."

"I don't believe that! You keep making me feel bad for just anything. You make me upset more than you make me happy, Matt. It's not supposed to be like that, is it…?"

"Is that all?" Matt snaps at him and Jeff closes his eyes, trying not to scream at him right now but there's something that's making him say those words that he's saying, that force of anger that's burning up inside of him that's making him just explode.

"There is the fact that you're mentally handicapped. That's why you love me," Jeff spits out and at that, Jeff closes his eyes and he can't believe that he's said that and he doesn't want to see the pain in Matt's eyes and when he opens his eyes, all he can see is rage in Matt's eyes as Matt punches Jeff in the face, making Jeff feel like his thin blood vessels are ready to pop out of their bodies.

"And I'm in love with a druggie!"

Jeff punches Matt in the stomach, making Matt clutch onto his stomach as Jeff stands up and both of them tackle each other on the floor, Matt on top of Jeff as Jeff tries to struggle out of Matt's grip and both of their eyes are staring at each other, both of them are ready to rip each other's eyes out and both of them are just so fucking angry at each other.

"Maybe I should go date someone other than you, Matt!"

"Go ahead! I'll kill any guy you bring home anyways!"

"Enjoy jail then!"

Both of them are throwing punches at each other, angry beyond words and both of them just want this fight to be over and before Matt can say anything else, he's breathless, so breathless that he can barely breathe as he pushes Jeff off of him who's now on top of him and is throwing punches at Matt's chest.

"Get off me, Jeff!"

"Make me!"

Matt takes Jeff's waist and pushes him off towards the table, and the hear the sound of the glass vases ready to shatter but they don't.

_Instead, my heart shatters, Matty._

"You know what, Matt?"

"WHAT?!"

"IT'S FUCKING OVER BETWEEN US!"

Jeff stands up and glares at him, coldly, both of their faces are plastered with rage as Jeff sprints to his room and as he goes inside of the room, he shuts the door and stomps his foot on the floor, "Crazy, Matt, I don't fucking need him!" he shouts to no one in particular and he stares at the black room that's making him sweat and all of a sudden, he's hyperventilating. "I don't need him! I don't need anyone!"

Jeff flops on his bed, his rage-filled face striping into a sad, pained tan face and his pink smile turns into a sad frown as he grips onto the covers of his bed, letting out a sob, "I don't need him. I don't need him. I…I…_yeah_…" he falls asleep with thoughts clouding his head and coldness residing and in the middle of the night, he wakes up and wraps his arms around his body and pretends that Matt's holding him before he nods off to sleep another time.

* * *

**Reviews are appreciated.**

**X Sam.**


	36. Lay In Ruins

**I must really love this story, don't I? ;)**

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36 – Lay In Ruins

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Matt's been out for a jog and has been out at six and he's been back at five, he goes for a walk around the block, went to eat and had been staring at the people around him, how lovesick they are, how happy they are and he wants to shatter their happiness because he's just so broken on the inside and it's hurting him to see that people are happy but he can't be happy.

And when he goes back home and smells the scent of his house, with the hint of Jeff's yummy vanilla scent and a hint of…an unusual scent and when he walks upstairs, he hears the sound of Jeff moaning and panic arises as he opens up the door and finds Jeff and John Morrison naked on Jeff's bed, kissing and screwing around and Matt's heart might've stopped. "JEFFERY NERO HARDY! WHAT IN HELL'S NAME?!"

John hears the scream and snaps his head upwards, his long brown hair cascading past his shoulders as Matt continues to scream at him. "You don't even know him! I don't even know him! What the hell are you thinking?!"

They both pull themselves up, both of them start wearing their clothing even if Jeff doesn't need it and both of them giggle once as John Morrison walks past Matt and when John's gone, Matt stares at Jeff, glaring with horror and shock still in his eyes, "why in hell's name were you fucking him?"

"Because you don't need me around anymore! I don't have any limits, do I? You're not going to be my brother this past week and I'm going to do what I want." Jeff crosses his arms and stares at him, "why do you care? Since I'm such a druggie. I must've been screwing him around for drugs."

"Jeff, don't do this. Don't think that just because I'm leaving, you can go around and sleep with men. That'll just make you feel like a slut," Matt says with a stern voice as he walks towards Jeff, seeing that Jeff won't move _and-and they're both too hurt to say a word_ and Jeff remembers that he just wants to feel a connection with someone, anyone, even if it's just sex and even if it's just for a little while, Jeff wants to feel like he can relate to someone and now that Matt's gone, he feels too empty and broken and he doesn't want to tell him. He just can't bare to see that smirk on Matt's face. He can't.

"Jeff?"

"…get away from me, Matt. You love making me feel worthless, don't you?" And before Matt can hug him and tell him that it's all going to be alright while Jeff takes his guitar and walks outside into the blazing, hot world around him and when he's walking by the block, he stop when he's passing Mike's house.

He's just screwed John Hennigan. One of Mike's crushes for a long, long time and now, the guilt's even worse as he knocks on the house and he waits for the woman to open the door and he's trying to forget about Matt but he can't and as Jeff walks inside of the house, searching for his faux-hawked boy sitting on the couch of the house, coloring in something and Jeff walks over to him and stares at the picture. They used to color when they were sad when they were young and seeing Mike like this, so much in pain, Jeff realizes how much they really do have in common as he sits down onto the floor and brushes his hand against Mike's cheek, "Mike?"

"Jeff," Mike manages to say his name without the anger that can't even boil in his body anymore, "look, I'm not angry that you left me for them. I'd leave me for them, too."

"Ooh, Mike, it's not like that. Listen, there's been weird stuff going around school when I joined the band, I didn't think I'd leave you. I didn't think I'd hurt you. Hell, right now, I did the last thing I think I could've—I went over to John Morrison's house and I knocked on his door until he'd open it up and I told him to come to my house and screw me if he wants to. I seduced him. That's not something I would've done before all of this and when I was done…I realized how empty I felt. How much of a slut I've truly become and when I passed by your house…God, Mike, talk to me."

"John Morrison?" Mike repeats, "As in the John Morrison that I've been trying to make a move on for the past two years of my life!"

Jeff's stomach sloshes with acid as he reluctantly nods his head, "y-y-yeah but I'm sorry, Mike. I really am. I came here just so I can hang out with you."

Mike doesn't say another word as he sulks deeply into his couch and goes back to coloring his picture, and from what Jeff could see, it's a picture of him and John Morrison and that makes Jeff want to pinch Mike's cheeks and in a while, he can't help himself but do so, Mike giggles and pushes Jeff off. "Stop that."

"No." Jeff goes back to pinching Mike's cheek and they're both laughing when Mike jumps onto Jeff's body, tackling him to the floor and both of them are laughing too hard when Jeff smiles and stands up, "I missed you, Mike."

"I missed you, Jeffy."

Both of them share a hug as Jeff's cell phone go off, playing a rap song and Jeff reaches out and realizes that he has to practice with his band right now and as Mike reads from his shoulder, Mike sighs. "Go ahead."

"You're coming with."

"Oh no," Mike says, laughing. "And tell me the details. How was he in bed? Was he any good? Were you on top? Was he on bottom?"

"…Oh boy…"

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At the practice session in Cena's house, Jeff and Mike walk in only to notice that Adam's on the couch and is asleep and Chris quickly says "He's a heavy sleeper", causing both Mike and Jeff to giggle before Mike sits down on the floor, incapable of helping them since he can't play an instrument and John Cena shakes his head as he brings in a bright red tray and places it on the table and it's soon followed by him covering his face as he sneezes. Randy laughs as John sits down on a chair, and the laugh causes Randy to sneeze himself. "Oh damn," Chris responds, "At this point, we're all going to get sick. I told you two that you shouldn't be making out when one of you is sick."

"I don't listen to anyone," Randy reminds him and shakes his head, taking his microphone and placing it on the table. "So what brings Mike Mizanin here today?"

Mike stares at him, and shakes his head, "I'm just here because I want to spend time with Jeff too."

"Get out of here!"

"You're still angry about that—"

"Yes, yes, I am!"

Mike screams and stomps his foot, "I don't believe you!"

Chris takes Mike's wrist and Randy's and he pulls them both into the kitchen, and two minutes later, he slams the door shut, "Don't come out of there until you work your differences out!"

Chris walks over to Adam while Jeff looks at John Cena, "we've never talked you know?" Jeff asks, walking over to him.

"Yeah," John responds. "I know that. I know more about you than most people yet I never really talked to you."

"John, can we talk?"

"Sure."

John walks away from the living room, leaving Chris, Adam and Mike to talk as Jeff and John walk upstairs and Jeff's stomach knots acids as he thinks of Matt, over and over. "How are you and Randy?"

"Fine, I guess. I mean he's ticked off because I gave him a bug now too but he should be fine." John sneezes and he covers his face again, sniffing so that the mucus can go back into his face. "Oh, you mean you want to talk about him having HIV or something?"

"Yeah," Jeff responds, feeling as if he's gone too personal but when he sees that John's facial expression hasn't changed, he knows that John's fine with the question. "I just want to know…what did you do when you found out that Randy had HIV?"

"I didn't do anything. I just stood there and he explained everything. Truthfully, I thought it wouldn't work out—"

"Since you're normal and he isn't and you're afraid of taking this any further because you're scared of being like him…"

"You have an HIV-infected boyfriend, too that I don't know about?"

Jeff laughs and shakes his head, "no, but I used to have a relationship with a guy who was mentally handicapped. A schizophrenic."

"But I'm fine with him right now. I don't care about those things anymore, you know that feeling when—"

"You suddenly melt in his arms and the whole world doesn't matter anymore?"

"Damn, kid. Yet again you beat me." John laughs and Jeff sees that twinkle in his eyes but Jeff's still unsure if he should talk to Matt about coming back together. John and Randy are not related like they are; they're two different people that come from two different families, that haven't had the same relationship that Matt and Jeff had harbored for years and years on end before he'd fallen in love with Matt.

He's just confused.

What should he do?

He really can't do anything.

But lay in his own ruins.

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**...review?**

**X Sam.**


	37. Can I See You?

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37 – Can I See You?

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Today's the last before Matt has to go away.

In the morning, Jeff wakes up to a Matt who's desperately waiting for Jeff to throw himself at Matt's arms, to cry and sob and say that he doesn't want Matt to go away but Jeff just pulls the sheets out of his body and slips into the bathroom and he doesn't even acknowledge Matt's existence and _it just fucking hurts_ and as Jeff gets out of the bathroom with drenched hair and a black sweatshirt and pants, Matt finally manages to squeak out those words, "is something new happening today, Jeff?"

Jeff stares at him as if he's insane and shakes his head, trying to understand what'd Matt ask that question and when he sees the pain that's overtaking Matt's eyes, he knows that he's done something wrong and he knows that it's because Matt's leaving and he's pretending not to give a damn because if he fakes the feeling in front of Matt, he'll feel that way, won't he? And-and he can't handle the thought that he's never going to see Matt again. It's just too surreal.

Is this a dream?

A never ending nightmare of a dream?

He doesn't know and as he goes by glasses, from Math to English to Science to Social Studies, all Jeff can think of is Matt and he tries to push the thoughts at the back of his mind or concentrate on the quizzes and lessons but he can't and sometimes, he even tries to concentrate on the notes that him and Chris are sharing with each other, and even if it's funny or sweet, he finds himself unable to plaster a smile on his face and that makes Chris concerned as he walks with Jeff to the next period.

"Anything wrong, Jeff?"

He genuinely sees Chris as caring, even if so many others have seen him as a ruthless bastard, there's a caring nature behind all the jerkiness he harbors and he's just glad to be his friend and as he stops to spit at Maria's face, Jeff takes Chris's hand and pulls him away before they get in trouble with the principal again and Chris hears Jeff out, listening to the sound of Jeff's too cracked voice. "I-I-my brother's going to foster care today and I just can't handle it. Mind if I crash in your room for a while? Play some video games?"

And Chris only nods his head so after school, Chris and Jeff disappear off to Chris's car where a driver drives them all towards Chris's house and as Chris steps out of the car, fixing his hair and Jeff rolls his eyes but all he could see is Matt running his hand through the that mass of thick, black ringlets and all Jeff wants to do right now is just to run his hand through Matt's hair and _damn it's so fucking painful_.

In the middle of it all, he puts his controller on the floor and he hears his phone buzz and he presses the cold metal of his cell phone burn his warm ear, "Hello?"

"Jeff! Where the fuck are you?! It's six o'clock and you're not back home!" Matt's voice is so loud that it's banging him in his head and he can't hear anything else and his heart's bleeding as hard as ever.

"I'm playing video games with Chris Jericho," Jeff responds and he just remembers that he hasn't called Matt in advance and he's just realized that and bile's rising in his throat and it's hurting him and his head's so dizzy as Chris pulls him into for a friendly heartwarming hug and runs his hand through Jeff's hair, feeling the uneasiness on Jeff's face, nauseous and nauseous. Jeff drops the phone, "I have to go home. See you later."

Another quick hug before Jeff walks out of the house, running home, and after thirty minutes of running, feeling the nausea at the pit of his stomach and he feels the bile just burn in his throat as he throws up on the front lawn and just falls down on the floor and it's so hot outside and _damn, it hurts. It hurts so much_.

"Jeff!?"

Matt takes Jeff by his body and runs his hand through Jeff's back as Jeff wraps around Matt's neck and Jeff's throat is aching and it hurts so damn much and Matt carries Jeff's body towards the bed and he places Jeff on the bed, kissing Jeff's sweaty forehead, "are you okay?"

"No…Matt…don't go. It hurts. My throat…it hurts."

Matt leans down and it covers Matt's body with a white thin sheet and he kisses at Jeff's neck and feels the blazing flesh of his body and Jeff brushes his hot hand on Matt's warmer face, "baby? Jeffy? Are you okay?"

"It hurts…"

Matt nods his head and walks out of the room, returning with medicine and bringing up a bottle and a spoon, putting the thick sticky liquid in the spoon and giving it to him and Matt knows that he can't do this tomorrow and he possibly won't see his brother forever and this might be the last time that he'll ever feel this hot body shaking and it'll be the last time he'll get drowned into those green eyes…the last time he'll feel Jeff's breath on his…last time he'll ever fall in love…

"It's because of the drugs, I know, Matty, I know and it's so hot outside—and—and God, it hurts! IT HURTS! It-it-it hurts…my throat hurts…" Jeff swallows the saliva and his throat just burns as hard as ever as Matt lies beside him and Jeff presses his head against Matt's chest and tears are burning down his face and he only walks away just to pack his clothing and try to say his goodbyes.

He knows that his airplane is ten o'clock but he has to go now. He can't—he knows he can't say—can't say _goodbye_. He watches as he sees Jeff's face, the track tears are smeared on his face, and he walks over to Jeff, kissing the wetness of his cheek before he steps outside of the world, smelling the fresh air and trying to pretend that Jeff Hardy doesn't exist.

At the plane, he cries in his hands.

Because he misses Jeff already and he can't pretend that the memories aren't real and he can't pretend that Jeff isn't in pain right now, eating off drugs and probably sleeping around with me just because he's hurt on the inside.

**Can I see you now, Jeff?**

_No. You can't see me anymore. You can't talk to me. You can't breathe on me. It's all washed away, baby._

**I want to see your face again…**

_You left me…_

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**Matt's gone...*cries* figures. Normally, people wouldn't dare think of this happening but I didd...*sniffes*  
**

**X Sam.**


	38. I Can’t Give You Another Chance

**Slightly dark chappie. ;)**

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38 – I Can't Give You Another Chance

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The day hasn't been one of the sweetest or smoothest day for Jeff Hardy who has been waiting to get home because he _needs_ needs **needs** to call Matt and he's never guessed that he'd miss him so much.

Jeff's just **bitterly **eloquently_ broken_.

As that morning, he wakes up at six and he doesn't really care and he tries to clean the house but he can't and he tries to cook breakfast but he can't and he doesn't know how Matt does this all so fast and when he goes to school at eight o'clock, his thoughts are on his brother, his _hurt _hurt **hurt** brother, who's been stabbed on too many times, who's been raped by his own father and Jeff's blood boils when he thinks of his father who hasn't been home before two o'clock and who leaves before six o'clock and Jeff feels and almost knows that his father's seeing someone and that hurts too much, knowing that he'd throw away his sons like toys to anyone would buy them and he thinks of how much it hurts to just know that his father's breaking them and he doesn't really care.

And when he goes to science, he had been doodling Matt on his notebook and when he's at his social studies class, his thoughts are on his and Matt's history instead of the ancient history and at art class, he's been drawing and trying to perfect Matt's face, that beautiful, beautiful face that he's fallen for all too much and at English class, he's written a poem that reflects on his and Matt's relationship and he knows the words that are bouncing in his head _I crave you. I need you. I breathe you. And I know it's wrong but I don't really care anymore. I just love you… Matt…I love you…_ and he knows that those words are confidential, just between him and his teacher who thinks that he's been talking of Matt Stark and at lunch, he pretends like he doesn't have money and just listens to his band's conversation inside of joining in and when it's finally time to go home, he'd been running in this hot **hot** _hot_ day and he doesn't care about the nausea and he feels like he's going to throw up and he doesn't freaking care anymore and—and—

He takes the phone out of the hook and just falls on the couch and he doesn't have enough energy anymore as Jeff's lunging for breath. Harder and harder, and it's hurting him and his throat's hurting him and he doesn't care as he presses the cold mental to his ear and he feels his heart pounding and pounding harder into his chest and he's ready for his piercing heart to just explode.

"Hello?"

_Whoa_, Matt's voice is so beautiful and so far away and so elegant.

"Matt! Matt! Matt!"

He couldn't contain his excitement as a smile spread across his tired face and he was shaking with gleefulness and delight and excitement and the rest of his horrid day just seems to melt away as a painted smile burns on Jeff's lips even if Matt can't see him smiling the big smile of his.

"Jeff?" Matt's voice is slightly shocked but there's a hint of delight.

"Matt, I know now that it wasn't supposed to be over! That I'm desperate to have you back. That I want to breathe in you. I want to love you. I want to touch you. I can't stand a minute without you! I need you so much, Matt! All it took was one day to realize that I love you. That I love you with every beat of my heart, that you'll always make my thoughts when you're not around…Matt…"

Matt's just silent.

"Matt?"

Jeff's just poured his heart out to Matt and it's disappointing him as hard as ever to know that Matt's just so silent and he can't picture Matt's face anymore, that hint of delight just seems to fade away as the silence smothers them as hard as it could've and it hurts Jeff with every heartbeat that he has and every second that just passes by.

"Jeff…"

That word. It's hurting him. It's burning him. It's hurting him so very much because it's the way he says it. It's not delightful at all and his voice is just completely cracked and broken and there's pain in his voice.

"…I can't give you a second chance, baby."

"Matt, please! I'll just quit heroin! I'll even kill myself for you, Matt! I'm serious. I really…really…love you, please…see me…can't you see that I'm in pain? That I really love you…?" tears are burning down Jeff's tired face. "I love you…please, take the pain away, baby…please come back and hold me until I go to sleep…please come to me…please, I don't want to be hurt anymore…I don't want to be hurt…" his voice breaks with every sentence he says.

"No, Jeff, I can't."

His hand grips onto his own hair and Jeff pulls it out, trying to feel the pain and it's hurting him as hard as ever.

"Are they better than me, Matt?"

"Jeff? What are you saying? I don't understand a word you're saying!"

Jeff's hyperventilating right now, his short breaths and his pale skin and it's hurting him and he's tired of all the damn pain and he slams his fists to the couch and he can feel his ribcage go up and down as he talks to him.

"Are _they_ better than me?! Are your new perfect happy family better than fucking stupid idiotic me?!"

"Jeff…"

"You know how much it fucking hurts to feel your heart break under your words, Matt…?" Jeff's words are barely a whisper as his body hits the floor and his head pounds and he doesn't care as long as he can hear Matt's voice.

"Jeff, my family are nothing like you. They're not as sweet as perfect as you and it hurts me to see their faces and just try to think of you and not having you around all the time made me buy myself a teddy bear just so I can hold something when I sleep at night and pretend that I'm holding you. I love you, too, Jeff but it's not the same type of romance that you have for me anymore. That was over because it just hurt us but I still care about and you're still my brother…"

The line disconnects.

"Matt?"

Dial tone…

"MATT?!"

He just slams the phone to the floor and he hits his head to the floor and it's all so blurry and unreal and he feels his tears burn down his cheeks still and _why can't we be together anymore, Matty? Why is everything tearing us apart? _And as he slowly lifts his head, he feels the acid burn at the back of his head and he's still out of breath.

"Matt… I love you…come back…come baaaaaaack…"

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**Only I can continue to make a story this dark. You know that this story needs a lot more chapters before it's over? Just a warning. :D**

**X Sam.**


	39. No Luck

**Enjoy. **

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39 – No Luck

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"_What's love?"_

The day has just been horrible.

Jeff had woken up at six again but told himself that he doesn't fucking care about Matt and pulled the pillow over his head and tried to fall asleep and by the time he wakes up, it's ten o'clock and his eyes are about to pop out of his head as he hurries to get ready for school, wearing his brother's black pants and shirt, he runs out, forgetting to put on his belt and in the middle of the school hallway, he trips and the entire school gets a glimpse of the aqua and lime boxers underneath the pants and their laughter was still bubbling as Randy helped him up and Chris took off his own unneeded belt to cover Jeff up and the lack of Adam's presence was still haunting but still, his thoughts were all _Matt_ **Matt** Matt and he can't shove Matt away from his head.

The horror movie hadn't ended yet and he knew that the rest of the school day, he still kept tugging at his pants and in Math, all he could think about was Matt as he wrote his few equations _Matt_ Jeff _**heart**_ he could remember something like that and at science, he was so distracted that he ended up blowing the entire science class, the gooey blue substance over his colored hair and he could remember Randy making a joke about blue being good on him do as he rinsed it out at lunch. The day had been another nightmare. He doesn't know how to cope with another horrible day like this.

And at their session, he kept on messing up his notes and even if the music was as broken and tattered as his, he needed to hope that this would all pan out well. Randy, Chris and even Adam are working too hard to throw this all away just because Jeff can't get Matt out of his mind.

When Chris had shoved him away to talk to him outside, all Jeff could ask him was _"what's love?"_

Chris stares at him, confused on why he'd ask him that question but since they're all alone and he asks Jeff stupid questions all the time, Chris finds himself ready to tell him as he blinks hard. "Are you in love?"

Jeff slowly stares at him, both of their eyes staring down at the cold floor and his stomach is sloshing as hard as it could've and he shrugs. "I want to know if I do." Are these just mixed feelings just because he's been Matt's brother for so long? Are these just crazy feelings that will go away soon enough?

"Well, when you're in love," Chris's lip smears into a grin, "every minute without him just makes you feel as if you're been ripped apart mentally. Every minute without him just makes you feel like there's something inside of you kicking your heart into a pulp. Every minute without him just makes you feel as if there's nothing else in the world more important than you and him and when you're together, all you want to do is hold him and melt into his arms even if it's all too painful. You don't care about it anymore and you realize that he doesn't either…you need him and you want him and all you want to do is breathe him. You don't want anyone else and you're convinced that he's the only one for you. You get butterflies whenever you see his face and your hands get all sweaty when he touches you. You want to get as close to him as you can even if you feel like an idiot and you're just wrapped around this blanket of calmness when you're around him…"

Jeff's heart bangs. He really is in love with Matt. That's exactly the way he feels. The pain that melts away when he's in Matt's arms, the kisses that seem to last forever, the love in Matt's eyes when he looks at him, the concern and the need and—that's love, isn't it? And that makes him feel even emptier on the inside as he clutches onto his stomach. He's so away from Matt and he's sure right now that he's in love with him and his hands are on his head as tears flow freely from his face as sobs escape his mouth.

Chris holds onto Jeff's shoulder, bringing him close as Jeff sobs in Chris's shoulder and he hears Randy's voice from inside.

"You two ladies done out there!?"

Chris shakes the thought off and holds onto Jeff as he sobs as hard as ever, as Jeff holds onto Chris's body as hard as it could and Jeff presses his head against Chris's chest and both of them are silent as Jeff stops sobbing but the tears still fall because he doesn't know how to get rid of them and Chris grips on Jeff's shoulder as he takes him back to Randy's house.

Randy orders takeout and tries to get through the notes of his but ends up sneezing too many times, glaring at John who doesn't stop chuckling whenever it happens and Chris talks to Adam on the phone while Jeff stirs into Chris's arms, staring around at the people around him. Chris has a tattered, ruptured Adam in bed but he's not crying about it and Randy has HIV but he's not shouting to the Heavens about it…so why does Jeff have to be so weak? Maybe it's because he's the youngest? Maybe he's really just being a child. Jeff hears his cell phone ring and he can really use some news right now and when he sees that Mike's the caller, he presses the icy metal to his ear, "Mike?"

Mike's unusual sad tone is being replaced by a happy tone, "Jeff! Jeff! Guess who I'm with right now?"

"Who?" Jeff's voice is slightly cold and bitter and he's afraid that he's going to cause another fight with Mike.

"Jeff…?" Mike whispers, his voice cracked and Jeff suddenly feels a bang of guilt as he steps off the couch to let Chris alone with conversation while he walked back outside into the humid night that makes him sweat all too fast but he doesn't really care. "Jeff? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jeff's voice is still too bitter. "Who are you with?"

Mike's sad and concerned attitude is replaced by his usual cheerful and gleeful and happy tone, the one that's Jeff's known for too long, "John Morrison! I finally got enough courage meet him, it was at the park when I was walking my cousin's Basque Shepherd Dog, Baco, and he was walking his American Eskimo Dog, it's as fluffy as his coat, and her name was Bailey. Our dogs started running around together and I laughed. He told me my laugh was cute. John Morrison told me my laugh was cute and then he asked me out! We're going out together! He called me "his Bailey". Ain't that cute?"

Jeff nods his head but the bitterness and envy is there though he shouldn't be envious. After all, he's slept with John Morrison and Mike's been crushing for John Morrison for too long and anything that John does, Mike swoons over and this is their big break. He scrunches his nose and wishes that something bad will happen to them but he shakes his head. Poor Mike. He's been thrown so much and he's not supposed to curse him for being happy and he puts the phone in his pocket and tells everyone that he's going home but Randy insists that he stays and Jeff does because after all, he goes back to an empty home and on the corner of the floor, broken hearted, crying his eyes out…

That night, he falls asleep on the couch and isn't woken up by anyone and in the morning, as the sun rises, he fees himself being shaken by Chris who's looking at him and Jeff hears the sound of his phone buzzing and a message from his father who's asking him where he is, Jeff slams his fist on the couch and laughs at amazement at his father's try to being concerned and he pulls the phone on the floor and Randy stands up, stretching and all of them are tired and Jeff's just glad that it's a Saturday. "Who called you?"

"No one special."

_If he doesn't care about me, why should I pretend to care about him?_

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**By the way, the next chapter is going to be SO DARK.**

**X Sam.**


	40. Untouchable

**Seriously _DARK _chappie. You have been warned. **

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40 – Untouchable

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The day had gone by smoothly and easily.

They all fell asleep after the greasy meal and Chris called his parents to explain everything and Randy persuaded his mother to go shopping so that they had the day and during every song they played, either Randy's constant sneezing and coughing would cut them off or a call from Adam would cut Chris off or Jeff would mess up the notes and they couldn't get through the first verse of the song so they took too many breaks since Chris needed to talk and Jeff needed to tune his guitar and Randy needed his medicine.

Now, Jeff holds a video camera, opening it up while he plays one of their songs for the band, and after four minutes of the song, he takes the video camera and he replays it over again as he hears the too broken and cracked notes of his as he places the video camera again and replays it and during half of the song, he hears the sound of his father stepping inside of the house and that shocks him too much since that he's almost never home for dinner and as he gives a smile at Jeff, Jeff finds himself holding back his glare as Gilbert holds two plastic bag of groceries and walks inside of the kitchen. Jeff follows him as he takes one of the bags and pulls a frozen packet or something, he can't really tell what and puts it in the microwave. Gilbert gives Jeff the plastic hot, sweltering container of almost still frozen dinner as he puts the plastic container down while Gilbert brings his own plastic container.

"You were out late yesterday."

Jeff nods his head, trying not to deny anything as he tries to push the coldness inside of him away, that this man had raped and sexually violated his own son, and he's acting like it doesn't matter that he's been keeping it a secret for God knows how long as he eats through his food, but by the first few bites, he starts to answer why. "I and my band had a session yesterday and when we ate out, we kinda fell asleep. We woke up, jammed some more before we all went home. Chris gave me a lift."

He doesn't say anything because he doesn't care. If it had been Matt, Matt would've fought with him about how he'd been sick with worry and he would've attempted to cook him a dinner and he would've woke him up late at night there and drag him out because he's just that protective but his father—his father doesn't care about him at all and that hurts too much as he shoves the container away. "You're supposed to eat, you know? Do you want to wind up in the hospital again?"

"Like you care if I end up in the hospital! The only fucking reason you show up when I'm in the hospital is because you don't want to have a fucking bad reputation, you bastard!" Jeff can't handle it and he stands up, ready to walk away but his father grabs his arm and twists it behind his back, making Jeff yelp in pain. "Let me go!"

"Why did you say that, Jeff? What did I do to you?" his father's voice is too cold and Jeff tries to get out of the room but he can't and he knows that he can't because his father's death grip is too hard. "Jeff! Tell me who taught you how to talk like this! Is it that no good of a son?!"

"Matt is an amazing brother! The poor thing still respects you even if you fucking raped him! How could you?!" Jeff feels a punch go to his stomach as he looks into the deadly eyes of his father as he still continues to speak with violent words coming out of his mouth. "You know how much pain you've caused me and Matt alone?! We're your sons but you treat us like dirt!"

Gilbert punches Jeff on his left cheekbone and he feels like his jaw is going to get dislocated as Jeff feels the bruise that's paining him on his cheek and before he can say anything else, Gilbert stands up and goes to the counter, taking a bottle of alcohol from the counter and he takes the small back of Jeff's neck and presses the acidic bottle of alcohol as he lets the acid burn down his throat and Jeff can see a flash in his head…

_Matt remembers yesterday and the excessive drinking at ten, right before he had gone to bed and then—just nothing as he nods his head. "Yeah, I was. Listen, I'm going through some rough stuff, okay? Don't get mixed up in alcohol like me. You're a good kid, Jeff."_

That explains Matt's alcohol addiction and Jeff suddenly knocks the bottle away as he swallows the sick acidic sweet liquid down his throat and he feels like he's going to choke as Jeff crawls to the living room, taking the phone off his hook, and Jeff hiccups as he brings the phone close to his ear but he feels his father's grip on his shoulder as his father tries to reach for the phone but Jeff doesn't let him.

"Come on, Jeffy, you know that you love me. After all, I'm your father," his voice is seductive and sickening and Jeff's ready to break the phone on the floor but he doesn't and he leans down towards Jeff who's sprayed on the floor and as Gilbert takes off Jeff's pants, making Jeff push him away as he breathes in and out and Gilbert takes Jeff's shoulder and he whispers seductive words in Jeff's ear, "don't tell me you don't want it, Jeffy…"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Jeff throws a punch at Gilbert's stomach again and he can't take it anymore as he pushes the buttons and presses the phone towards his ear and as the dreaded dial tone beats with the rhythm of Jeff's heart, and in moments, Jeff's throwing a punch on the floor as he feels his father move on top of Jeff's body and Jeff hears the sound of the calm, female's voice, "GET HERE NOW! MY FATHER'S GONNA FUCKING RAPE ME!" he screams his worries over the phone and his throat's aching him as his chest's moving up and down and Gilbert takes Jeff's chin, moving in to kiss him but Jeff shakes his head, looking away from him as Jeff sobs as hard as ever.

"It's not rape, Jeff…it's a sign of love…"

Jeff's still panting as he tries to move away but the man's hand is so balled up into Jeff's blue and purple hair and the thought of Matt having to endure this all the time suddenly strikes fear into Jeff's head but he hears the sound of the familiar sirens and it's so damn loud and it's not soon until Gilbert takes out a pocketknife from his pocket, and he stabs the switchblade through Jeff's stomach which makes Jeff let out a horrible scream. "LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE!"

It's black. It's all black.

The next time he wakes up, he finds himself in the ambulance, and there's a woman standing there in a blaze of orange hair and the black and blue suit is there and the golden star's near the valley of her breasts and she walks towards Jeff, running her hand through Jeff's back. "Kid, you okay?"

"Hmm?"

"From the looks of it, kid, you're lucky that you didn't die."

Jeff doesn't say anything word as he stares at her. "Where am I?"

"You're in an ambulance." She tells him, pressing her lips together into a tight line, "kid, you don't remember much do you?"

Then at that moment itself, as Jeff looks back, he remembers the switchblade, the pain, the agony, the seduction and the words that he'd said and it's making him shake and shiver as the woman pulled him, "your father's been taking to jail to serve his sentence for being a rapist. He doesn't need to go to court since we'd seen the entire thing happening with you on the floor…when you think that a father won't even hurt his siblings, you see this and the entire world just changes."

Jeff whimpers and nods his head.

"Don't worry, kid. You'll be okay. From what I see, the cut's not too bad."

He just wishes that he was untouchable, that he isn't too weak but he is weak, so weak that he's so fragile and broken in pieces and he rolls to his side and he feels his heart's bleeding as he thinks of Matt and _how the hell could he handle this every day?_ And before any thought could consume his head, he falls asleep…

* * *

In the living room, the blood's on the floor, and the silence and darkness consumes and there, huddled in the corner of the table, Jeff's video camera's still playing…

* * *

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	41. You Don’t Know How I Feel

**100 reviews? This is _NOT _my fic then. XD.**

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41 – You Don't Know How I Feel

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There's no faith in the world.

When he had woken up in the hospital and had made sure from the doctors that he was fine but needed to stay a day before they called the orphanage—that was when Jeff snapped. He still remembers the words they say to him, the look of sympathy on their eyes and he just feels sick on the inside as he runs out of the hospital room when he's sure no one would care the most and as the night suffocates and smothers him as hard as ever as he clutches his stomach, feeling the acid slosh in his stomach as he feels nauseous and he's ready to throw up on the floor, feeling the acid block Jeff from breathing. He just looks around. He runs his hand through the cracked skin, the white bandage had wrapped his stomach oh so protectively….

_Matt._

_Matt._

_Matt…_

He takes out his cell phone and presses the cold metal to his ear as the dial tone rings through his already pounding head and he hears the slightly thin sound of Phil's voice. "Hello?"

"It's Jeff. Phil, I don't know what I could say to you but I really need a place to stay right now, Phil and I'd do anything-"

"You can stay," Phil says and that shocks Jeff remembering that the last time they were together was when they had played with Hunter's game but Phil seems to not care and would just help. Had he really felt that guilty when he had drugged him? The thoughts makes Jeff feel even more depressed and pained than he already is, thinking that someone would go to such lengths just to satisfy people.

He would've called Chris, Adam or Randy but they'll be full of questions while Phil, Phil won't be the type to ask too many questions and he can't bring himself to face his friends who always pity poor Jeffy and Jeff knows that he feels sorry for his stupid self too but right now, all that matters are the instructions that Phil is giving him so that Jeff can get to the house easily.

When he gets to Phil's house, the first thing he hears is the sound of glass crashing and when he opens the door, he's shocked to find Phil on the floor with blood pouring out of his skull as Phil's father grabs him by his hair and pulls him by his hair, and the sight just makes Jeff freeze.

He throws Phil towards Jeff and both crash down towards the step in front of the house and both of their heads are exploding as Jeff takes in the sight in front of him, and he hears Phil's father huff before he walks outside and leaves both of them on the floor, Phil's blood pours on Jeff's face and soon, Phil helps Jeff up and walks inside without another sound. Phil and Jeff walk upstairs where Jeff discards his blue hospital nightgown and Phil takes out a fresh pair of his black CM Punk Hardcore t-shirt and a pair of shorts and as Jeff dresses, Phil inspects Jeff's bandage. "What happened there?"

"My dad slashed me there," Jeff replies honestly and after what he's seen with Phil and his father, he feels as if this is nothing but a paper cut staring at the blood that had still been pouring out of Phil's head all too rapidly and Punk's eyes turn into not sympathetic ones but understanding ones and Jeff smiles because he knows that he and Punk are somehow alike in this fanatical, mismatched way.

"You gonna get something for that blood?" Jeff says, staring at the blood as it pours out of his head.

Phil shakes out of his head as he sucks in quick breathes as he flops down his bed and Jeff stares as he sits down to Phil and before Jeff can ask the question again, Phil responds. "He tells me that I'm weak if I put on a bandage and whenever I do, he hits me harder so I let the blood flow." He gives a weak smile.

Jeff's heart threatens to break. He's never heard of anything as cruel as that and Phil acts like it's too normal and Phil steps out when he hears his father yell again with fear and terror and Jeff just wraps himself in Phil's covers, trying to think of anything else as the scent of dry blood and sweaty covers the room.

"PHIL, YOU BITCH!"

He hears even more glass breaking.

Phil doesn't say a word but Jeff can almost hear Phil's body falling on the floor.

"Another one of your costumers and you didn't tell me?!"

Silence engulfs the room and he hears the sound of Phil's footsteps as the door closed and Phil walks towards the bed, letting his head fall on the pillow as both of their eyes lock and their pink mouths are shaped into weak smiles of nothingness. "Costumers?" Jeff finally breaks the unwanted silence.

"Yeah, He thinks I'm a prostitute, slut, whore, whatever you wanna call it. That's why he's letting you stay over. He thinks that you're another one of my costumers," Phil responds, staring down at his feet.

"Why are you listening to what he says, Phil? Just call the police, take him out. He doesn't deserve you around." Jeff says as Phil rests his head on the pillow and he feels Jeff's hand on his shoulder but Phil shoves Jeff away. "Phil…you don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. We don't deserve to be beaten around like everyone's toy anymore."

"If I call the police, everything would just be worse."

"Your mother lives around here, doesn't she?"

Phil nods his head slowly and softly, "she loves all of us but she can't stand up to him. He's ruthless and he'd hurt anyone and she just stands there and watches him beat her son to death. If she tries to do anything, he'll just make the pain worse. I think he rapes her but I'm not sure. My other brother, Mike, is out of the house and the rest of my sisters are scared out of their minds to try and help me. The only reason he hates me is because I'm another one of those 'straight edge bitches' he hates so much."

That night, those words are still in Jeff's head as he watches Phil sleep so peacefully and it doesn't show that he's an abused little boy with pale skin and blood still falling out of his head, his hair's covering his cut and he's breathing's steady and he's so serene as he sleeps and he doesn't toss around because of nightmares. It's just too much for Jeff to handle because for once, he feels like he has a responsibility towards Phil. That even if Phil's 16 years old and Jeff's only 13, Jeff feels as if he's Phil's older brother and he wonders if Matt ever feels this way.

_Matt…_

Raped and abused by his own father and Jeff doesn't even know until Matt says it and those episodes and episodes of Matt being raped are still in his head, no wonder he's crazy. Jeff would be bubbling with insanity too.

_Matt…_

His heart's just torn.

He needs Matt around to tell him if it's wrong or right, or if his thoughts are too out of reach.

He knows that he'll never forgive himself but he stands up and goes downstairs and he calls the police and he tells them of Phil's condition, of the abuse, of the family's abuse, and the vivid details just seem to slip out of Jeff's mouth and he slams the phone shut when they say that they'll be right there and he can only hear the sirens after too many minutes of waiting and he watches as they come in and take Phil's father away after seeing Jeff's evidence, from pictures to blood stains to anything and everything, Jeff watches as they cuff the madman before he could shoot them with the gun he has in his pocket as Jeff makes his way upstairs again, just happy that the horror seems to be over and he stops in the middle of the stairs when he sees Phil standing there, leaning on the stairs with cracked skin and the dry bloodied cut and his eyes are made with horror and terror and fear.

"Why did you do that?" Phil whispers.

"Because it's the only way out, Phil." Jeff twists his lips into a weak smile. Phil just prays that Jeff's right as they both go to the bed and both of them have trouble falling asleep because it's been such a long night for them and the events are still rushing through their heads and they just can't see all these things happening in just one damn day and Phil finally breaks the silence. "Jeff, was your father like mine?"

"No, he was barely home," Jeff whispers, "but he's raped my brother and that's the only thing that made me snap and take him in."

Phil nods his head and fakes a yawn and Jeff pretends that he's asleep and both of their bodies move through the bed and their eyes shut down tightly and both of them just fall asleep faster than ever and Jeff knows that Phil doesn't know exactly how he's felt since Phil hasn't somehow fallen in love with Mike and watched him walk away and no one is as sick as Jeff to fall in love with his own brother. _I love you, Matt…I feel so empty without you. You don't understand this attachment I have to you…I don't think I do either anymore._

* * *

**Ahhh, more about Phil! :D and a lot of Phil/Jeff bondage and angst in the next chappie.  
**

**X Sam.**


	42. Shameful

**So everyone thinks that the plot is thickening? I haven't gotten to the climax yet anyways! XD. **

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42 – Shameful

* * *

That morning, the sunshine shines through the room but it's only a slant of light in the too dark room.

He watches as Phil takes a broom and dusts the place, placing the broom where it was after he's done and he watches as Phil checks the mirror for any signs of blood and covers the dried blood wound with a thick wool black hat and Jeff watches as Phil walks towards Jeff again, helping him up as he makes his bed and this shocks Jeff too much. "You do this every day?"

Phil nods his head, "yeah, my dad—"he stops in his place and thinks about his father for one moment, the one that had been jailed yesterday, and he just looks at Jeff with weak eyes. "I suppose that I don't have to do this anymore."

"No, no, you don't," Jeff takes Phil's hand and he takes him downstairs, "let's go eat something. I'm sure it'll make you feel better."

His thoughts are still circled around Matt, seeing Phil's slight pain at seeing his abusive father go to jail, it's the same pain that Jeff's feeling right now and the more that Jeff thinks of it, the emptier he feels on the inside, no blood, no flesh, not even a solid form of being, just numb on the inside at the thoughts of him so far away and his mind drifts and he doesn't think he's in reality anymore. Phil's mother and sisters are ecstatic but have problems talking to Phil as Jeff sees and so as Jeff clears his throat, the silence still burns through the air.

Jeff takes a bite of his food and realizes how bitter it is and he sighs as he stands up and walks outside to see the soft colors that are blazing in the sky and he knows that he doesn't belong in this world as he presses his head towards the cold glass and he just wonders what's happening around, he doesn't even know anymore and he realizes how he and Phil are alike right now even more, and he clutches on his stomach, ready to tear up, ready to cry his eyes out but he can't and his throat is burning acid and he can't say another word as his body's bubbling with emptiness on the inside and he's ready to slam his fists into the glass window and break it in pieces.

Phil walks towards Jeff and holds onto his shoulder and both of their bodies press against each other as they stare outside in the cold, cruel world and none of them say anything at all as Phil stares out at the pastel colors that are fading out of the colors and the grayness of the sky is darker than ever, "the world hates us, doesn't it? For being so stupid and throwing our lives away just because we love the ones who hurt us the most?"

Jeff doesn't say anything and Phil continues to talk, "it's funny. The people that hurt us the most are the people we care about the most in life…it's funny and it's pathetic and sad. And God, when I look outside, I almost pretend I can still see my drunken father walk in here, ready to beat up his straight edge son and pretend that it doesn't matter whether he's hurt or not."

Both of their eyes lock at this moment, and Jeff nods his head, "it's funny because whatever you do to make it better makes it worse and you can't get him out of your head even if you try and sometimes, all you want to do is see his face but you're afraid of what he's going to say…"

"And," Phil starts up again, his voice now cracked and brittle, "you just don't believe that he's gone anymore. You feel like the world around you is different. It's as if everyone's changed just because he's gone—it's because everything's just fucking changed and—I miss my father. I miss my abusive father, Jeff."

"It's for the best that he's gone, Phil, I've seen what he did to you and I'm not gonna stand here and watch you die on me, Phil." Jeff says and Phil's eyes widen and he looks down at the floor before he struggles to walk upstairs and Jeff follows because that look in Phil's eyes are crumpled and mixed with pain and desolation and Jeff has to know what Phil feels that way. When they're both in Phil's room, Phil lies on the floor, arms crossed, looking up at Jeff before he lets his words squeak out. "Do I really look like I was gonna die because of him?"

Jeff nods his head as he lies besides Phil and both of them are looking at each other and before they can say a word, both of them grab onto each other's bodies and Jeff's head is pressing against Phil's shoulder while Phil's head is on Jeff's head and both of their tears just flow so freely and silently and soon, sobs fill the room and they can't take it anymore. They can't take the pain and agony of the world around them. "Jeff?"

"Y-y-yeah?" Jeff stutters, sobs are so dragged out of his mouth as their arms are just squeezing each other's blood out too tightly.

"Why do we love the ones that hurt us the most?"

Jeff's tears fall even harder at the mention of the sensitive subject but they're both trying to understand each other. "I-I don't know."

They spend two hours just crying their eyes out until they have no more tears left and the tear tracks are still there by the time that they both calm down and their throats are dry but they don't really care as the thoughts overwhelm them as hard as ever. _"Let's promise,"_ Phil's voice is cracked. _"We don't need them anymore. We're fine on our own."_

Jeff nods his head but he knows that he somehow he just loves Matt too much to say that he doesn't need him and he's so desperate and frantic and he's shameful to know that he's so attached to Matt. But he takes a breath and realizes that he's sure that Phil's right.

He has to move on.

* * *

**NOOO! I don't want Jeff to move on.  
Jeffy: I don't wanna move on! I WANT MATTY!  
I hate you, Jeffy. My JeffJeff muse loves my fics too much.  
Jeffy: yeah, I just love being tortured. **

**X Sam.**


	43. Line Between Delusion and Reality

**Update! Yay!**

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43 – Line Between Delusion and Reality

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_The ocean waves are so calming, and soft as they brush through their bodies, and Jeff's soft pink lips slowly capture Matt's lips, the kiss is filled with lust and love and care and adoration and their bodies feel so right entangled into each other as Jeff pulls off and stares into Matt's eyes, the waves are brushing in an even softer manner and the beach has no one in it but him and Matt and Jeff stares up at the sky, where the colors seem all to be there, the invisible rainbow that's smeared into the sky as his heart explodes from happiness and tranquility._

"_I love you, Jeff."_

"_I love you, too, Matt."_

_Matt's arms entangle around Jeff's waist and he pulls him closer and the place's quiet and serene and the lights around them aren't blinding, they're flashing towards them and the colors make them feel as if they're made to be painted as if they're pictures and Jeff's smile is too big and this security blanket that's around them is telling Jeff that nothing can go wrong as he presses his head on Matt's chest…_

_Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeepppp…_

Jeff throws Phil's bright shiny blue alarm clock to the floor as he wipes his eyes and he sees that Phil's by the window, his leg on the wooden board of the window, and his body's covered by his clothing and black pants and a black fists shirt and a biker jacket and he still has his thick black hat covering his head and his dried blood injury is hidden underneath the thick fabric of the cotton black hat and a smile smears across Jeff's face as Phil throws him a bunch of clothing and Jeff shoves himself towards the bathroom and wears Phil's clothing that are slightly too big on him since Phil's older and as Jeff steps out, Phil's eyes glisten, "let's go downstairs to eat before we go to school."

Jeff's eye color fades at the thought of school, his friends, from Mike to Randy to Chris to Adam; his heart just doubles over, what's his excuse for not going to school for two days? He wants to tell the truth but he doesn't want sympathetic eyes and 'poor kid, he's only thirteen' and any of that anymore because he feels even emptier when he hears about his tragedy and now, as he walks through the school hallways, trying to avoid eye contact from the boy who seems to be gone for too long according to his perfect attendance record and then his thoughts go back to Matt.

Matt, who's pushed him to his best and his best is and always will be a C+ average with a few A's and B's thrown in here and there and Matt, who's made him feel special with every kiss and touch he's ever given him and Matt, who'll make all the horror and problems and tragedy just fade away as delusion becomes reality and those kisses seem to matter more than anything…Matt…his Matt…his _beautiful_ **beautiful** beautiful gone away so far from his reach Matt.

"Jeff?"

The sound of Randy Orton lapses Jeff out of his trance as Jeff stirs into the horrible reality that's always found his way when he's thinking of his Matt, _his Mattt_…so far away from his reach and Randy's hand grips towards Jeff's shoulder, shaking him as hard as he could've to make Jeff snap back into the reality that he's trying so hard to get out of. "Jeff? Are you okay?"

Jeff slowly nods his head, "y-yeah. Look, I can't talk, I gotta go—"

He walks off before Randy can have a chance to answer a question into his science class and the day goes back with his teachers having to say his name more than five times just to slip and fall back into veracity but he doesn't want to be here and he knows it as well as anyone does that he just wants to be with Matt and in his arms and right now, his thoughts are just on him. He wants Matt back so badly. He wants to hold him, to feel him, to touch him but he can't.

Matt's really in Canada right now…

Where's his fucking fairytale?

At lunch, his hands are holding onto his trays and towards the table, seeing his friends who haven't noticed that Jeff is headed towards them, Jeff walks off into the bathroom, feeling himself flush as he walks towards a stall and sits down, eating through bitter and sour and acidic sandwiches and right then, his stomach's sloshing around with pain and agony and he hears the sound of footsteps and sees that hint of white sneakers as he knocks the stall, "Jeff?"

Randy. Why can't he just leave him alone?

He doesn't want to be here. He knows that he doesn't want to be stuck into this damn reality anymore. And it's bad enough living in Phil's house, where everything's just _peachy-keen_ between their family members but he has to go to school and face his concerned and bothered friends and he hears Randy's soft sigh, "Jeff? Please—"

Jeff steps out of the stall with his tray of food and pushes past Randy, putting his tray on the sinks and he grabs onto Jeff's shoulder and he takes a deep breath, making the hairs at the back of Jeff's neck stand at the coolness and suddenly, he's imagined Matt again and he shakes his head as his head looks at Randy's and tears are burning into his eyes. "I can't stop thinking about Matt."

Jeff clutches onto his suddenly aching stomach as he feels his knees shake and he's ready to fall down onto the floor and he doesn't know why he's standing, "I'm sorry. I just need to b-be alone—"

"Jeff."

"Dammit! Why am I so weak?" Jeff's tears are falling too fast and he can't stop himself from crying and he's ready to run away but he doesn't as he feels Randy grab onto his shoulders to keep him from falling flat on his face.

"Jeff, breathe."

Jeff nods his head, pulls himself, tries to compose himself as he breathes, in and out, his breath's turning more shallow by the moment as Randy's hand cups against Jeff's cheek as Jeff nods his head, "are you okay now, Jeff?"

Jeff nods his head as he brushes away the wetness of his face.

"Talk to me."

Jeff takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself, trying to repeat to himself, not to cry, not to cry, not to cry at all as he tries to explain everything that's happened in the course of what? A week? Two to three days? So little time yet this big banged horror show happens all of a sudden to ruin Jeff's life forever.

But he doesn't say anything about his father's arrest or about him bunking at Phil Brooks' household, or anything—

Just silence.

"Jeff?"

"I can't tell you anything, Randy. This isn't just normal 'Jeff's not okay because of a break up or whatever'…this is serious and it's hard for me to open up about it. I can't do it…I-I-I-I'm sorry."

There's a huge line between delusion and reality and for Jeff, delusions are fun and happy and pretty for a while but at some point, they're going to fade away and he's only left with this horrible, horrible reality that's right in of him that he can't shake away no matter how hard he's tried…

* * *

**That last thing is gonna come back to haunt Jeff...**

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	44. Where’s the Sky Now?

**When will this story be over...? **

**JK. I love this story! :)**

* * *

44 – Where's the Sky Now?

* * *

The world around him is too black and it's painted and doused and drenched in red and pain and agony as Jeff stares outside in the world, the stained glass that's on the window that's hurting him and he's ready to break his head on the thick glass and he hears the sound of the door closing as his eyes look at Phil standing there and they just stare at each other for a moment before Jeff stands up and walks past the lip-ringed boy and he walks outside, into the gray skies and the blood smeared pain and he can almost hear his heart as it thuds so rhythmically and he doesn't know if he can feel anymore broken than he does right now.

He's wide awake, finally able to see the world around him and he can see how gray and black the world is, how the colors are slowly fading away from his touch and he feels as if he's just woken up from a deep coma and the world around him is just filled with fake smiles all around and he hates seeing this.

He just wants to be happy but he doesn't think that happiness exists anymore as he looks around the pain-filled universe around him, a dog with ragged fur, a little girl huddled up in the corner shaking and shivering from the coldness and Jeff walks towards the girl and throws his jacket over her, she gives a soft smile and a "thanks" but still, she wants and needs more and Jeff can't help everyone and that's what's dragging him down in the dirt as she runs off with his jacket and he hears the sound of his cell phone ring but he doesn't want to pick it up as he walks through the roads, watching the people who are genuinely happy and envies them and the people that are down in the dumps, he's just sympathizing with him and why is the world around him so torn?

Why is he so torn…?

In the middle of walking, he stops and hides behind the bushes near a park and he watches as lovers pass by and his heart just tears out of his chest all too violently as he presses the icy metal against his ear, and he just hopes, just hopes, that Matt will answer his phone and when he hears that too striking and beautiful and charming rich voice of Matt, his heart almost melts but the world's all still the same, all too dull and black and the hole is ready to whirl him into oblivion.

_Where's the sky now?_

There is no sky, there's a torn up hole in the sky that's burning him so slowly on the inside and it's burning the rest of the world around them right now and he wishes nothing more than to look at the same sky he's seen as a child, the sky that's been bubbling bits and bits of pastel blue and that hint of creamy rich marshmallow yellow streak burn somewhere between the blueness and there are sprinkles and sprinkles of clouds but it's all gone now. Nothing's telling him to move on and live with his life, everything's telling him to just die on the inside and suffer before he kills himself with that knife that's just calling for him to end his useless life.

"Jeff?"

His heart's slowly steadying and he finds himself wanting to sprint off towards Canada, just to see this person that seems planets and planets apart from him, a borderline that he can't cross, it's driving Jeff insane on the inside, just thinking that once, he had been held by those long warm arms that are leaving him to freeze and it hurts him to think that once, those soft lips used to dry away those tears that fell so freely from his eyes and now, the tears are just burning through the flesh.

"M-M-Matt," Jeff stutters, pressing too cold metal to his ear as it burns through his inactive cells, "I-I need you."

The world's too black and dull and it's making him want to die on the inside and Matt's his only hope right now, the only faith that's bubbling and burning through them and if he says no right now, he'll be completely hopeless and bleak, ready to crash onto the floor, ready to die…

_No_.

Matt.

He needs Matt.

"Jeff, please, you're out there and I'm here, in Canada, I can't keep rushing over every time you feel a little overwhelmed…"

Jeff lets out a laugh, a dark, bitter laugh that had made everyone around them jump from their skins and he's ready to hit his head towards the thick painful pole in front of him and if Matt's around here right now, he would've shaken him until the laughter subsides and right now, his laughter is truly subsiding, the dead silence resides and lingers still as Jeff continues to scream. "LITTLE OVERWHELMED?! I'm fucking suicidal without you, Matt! The world around me is fucking dead! I can't walk around anywhere without feeling like I'm gonna fall flat on my face! I feel like there's nothing there for me and the only thing that matters is you and the only thing that's been in my mind since you fucking left was you so don't tell me that I'm a _little overwhelmed_."

Jeff just snaps the phone shut before Matt could say anything else and he holds his head as he tries to compose himself from letting the tears fall all over again and now, he shoots his head up towards the world around him, people just passing by and not caring at all that he's breaking and suffering on the outside.

He walks home and when he goes towards the room he shares with Phil, he sits on the floor and tries to think of everything right now and he remembers that he has a commitment to his band but he's breaking it up and the person he loves the most, his Matt, doesn't really care about him now, does he? And his life is just torn to shreds and now, he just has no family, the only one he knows that wears the name "Hardy" with pride and he remembers the last name Campbell, Matt _Campbell_, that just doesn't sound right…it doesn't…_Matt_…

* * *

**This made me wanna cry. Seriously. That Matt/Jeff call. So sad. I am proud to say that this is my fic! XD.  
**

**X Sam.**


	45. Little Too Late

**This story will be over...I can't say soon... XD.**

* * *

45 – Little Too Late

* * *

It's a little too late.

Sounds of horror burning in his head.

Colors too bright are splashing in front of his eyes.

The hot red blood falls from his wrist and he knows that he's torn but he doesn't really know if he can handle being so broken anymore. His heart's tattered and raged and frayed and there's nothing but shreds and shreds of his used to be heart on the floor of the world around him and the blood's just staining the too supposed to be clean floors and he knows that it's a little too late.

He falls towards the floor, a razor gripped to his hand and a whimper escapes his throat.

"Matt, I got hurt…"

He wants his brother to just barge in.

It's not his fault, is it?

The voices in his head are just screaming for him to do it and the razor that's been just sitting there on the hard, rigid table of his bathroom and he's taken the razor and ripped his veins and he just loves the sight of the hot, sticky blood that's falling out of his wrist because he deserves it. He deserves the pain and agony and desolation and he knows it and it's hurting him—

"Matt! Come here, you bastard! I'm fucking bleeding!"

His throat's burning with acidity and bitterness and sourness and he's ready to tear off his own skin because he feels like he doesn't deserve even the skin that's holding his blood and bones together and he wants to do it but he has no energy and he's so drained out of his power…

"Matt, you asshole!"

No words as he grips onto his hair, the short, sharp hairs of his head and he's ready to rip them apart, piece by piece, as his head spins and spins and spins and he feels as if he's choking on his own blood and it hurts. It hurts so much.

"Matt…"

A whimper rises from his throat.

"Matt…baby…"

* * *

The Campbell's are known for having close family members that know everything to what you've done and what you're doing and they know every thought that's spiraling in your head.

Matt Hardy isn't close with his family. Matt _Campbell_ is no different.

He just can't get used to this.

Matt Campbell.

Those two words are ringing in his head as he walks down the hallways, the sixteen year old boy's clothing is supposed to be clothing since the people are very tradition and just love Canada too much but his clothing is made of black and blue and he's so out of place in this house and there are plants hanging all around, small shrubs of plants all around, and as he walks through the huge hallways of the expensive house of his rich family, he realizes that this place isn't empty despite its hugeness and his mind flashes back to Jeff for the ten millionth time that day as he thinks of how small their house is but the loneliness still resides there.

Matt just wants to hold Jeff's body and slam him to the wall and just kiss the fucking hell out of him but Jeff's almost this imaginary person that he's thinking of, too aimlessly, and he hears the sound of Stevie's voice, "Matt! Come over here!" Stevie is around eighteen years old and treats Matt as if he knows nothing and shockingly, Matt doesn't really care most of the time because that smile that's on his face, it's not really Stevie's, it's Jeff's and he keeps imagining these things…

He walks towards the dinner and he sits down in his place, Stevie, Cindy, and Stuart and now, Matt, they're all too religious for Matt and he doesn't want to tell him he's gay because that'll just probably throwing him out of his house and he doesn't want to be hurt anymore than now because he's just so dragged down the dirt, the pain just lingers on and on and—

"How was your first day at school, Matt?"

He doesn't want to remember how he's been kicked at and thrown at places and he has bruises the sizes of baseballs around his body but he doesn't want to tell him that he's been holding back tears throughout his very first day of school and he's been humiliated so hard, having people throw the belt of his pants and his pants themselves and he remembers how hot his face feels as he runs towards the locker rooms, sits down and pulls his boxers and pants up before he goes to class with snickers and sniggers filling the room as he tries to concentrate on something other than the pain and after school, he's been having one of the jocks chase him around in a car and he doesn't want to consider the possibility of them running over him.

When he'd gotten home, he's just happy that he's still alive after that day of hell and right now, he nods his head at his new mother, whose name that escapes him. "It was fine."

"Matt? You don't sound so good."

"He doesn't sound good because some kid's been pushing him around in school!" Stevie exclaims, making them all drop their spoons and look at the boy. "You should've seen it. One kid threw his belt. We saw _everything_. Another kick kicked him so hard that he was bleeding and had to go to the nurse at least three times today!" He chuckles under his breath.

"Is that true?" she whispers, staring at Matt.

Matt nods his head, "y-yeah. I just didn't want you to worry about me." He stands up and walks off, "thanks for being a pal, Jeff!"

He stops in his position.

Jeff.

He wants Jeff back.

He's just called Stevie Jeff. He's so obsessed and addicted that he can't think of anyone but Jeff. He just runs towards his room. After a day of going to his school and trying to think of his baby, his Jeff, and he just hits his head towards the wall, trying to think of anyone else and the tears are burning down his eyes.

"J-J-Jeff…"

He takes the razor and looks at it, feeling as if it's the only thing connecting him but he throws the razor on the floor and he shakes his head, letting the tears freely from his eyes as he feels like he's going to fall dead on the floor as the blood stirs in his body and he hears the sound of his door knocking.

"Hey…I'm sorry…"

"GO AWAY! Just fucking go away!"

He looks at the cell phone.

Should he call Jeff…?

Would it hurt?

Matt takes the icy phone from his table and presses it towards his ear, cold, so cold, too cold, but he doesn't care. He hears the phone ringing and his heart's leaping out of his chest…

* * *

**Do you think this one phone call is going to make a difference? Especially with Jeff cutting and trying to numb his pain? **

**X Sam.**


	46. Ruined In the Best Possible Way

**This is more of a filler chapter. I think.**

* * *

46 – Ruined in the Best Possible Way

* * *

"Jeff?"

Jeff hears Matt's cracked voice and his heart just threatens to burst out of his chest as he looks down at the bloody mess that used to be in his body and his heart's just pounding oh so quickly that he can't think of anything else but wanting to hear Matt's beautiful, thick, sleek voice.

Jeff's breathing is shallow and that's what alerts Matt the most, his Jeff, shallow breathing, so hurt and painful and—

Matt's body's shaking and shaking and shaking and he's ready to fall down onto the floor as he hears the sound over and over again, like a vicious tape recorder, "Jeff?!"

Jeff giggles, a bitter darkened giggle, as his body shakes as hard as ever, his blood is rushing to his head and his brain's blowing in his head and he hears the sound of Phil knocking at the door, "Jeff! You've been there an hour!"

"Jeff…?"

"I…I…" giggles escaping his throat, "…you're so far away…Canada's far, isn't it, Matt?" he remembers hitting his head and his thoughts are all entangled into each other as the door slams open and Phil takes Jeff's wrists as Jeff lets the phone fall on the floor and Jeff presses his head towards Phil's stomach, his giggling shuffling into cries as tears roll off his face, "…all ruined…in the best possible way…"

"Jeffy…?" Matt's voice cracks. "Jeff?! Jeff!?"

"…you don't love me anymore…"

Matt's heart bleeds all over the place as he drops the floor and his eyes are puffy blood red without any tears seeping from his eyes. He closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands. Jeff's ruined. All because of him. How the hell could he be so cruel? Jeff deserves much better than him—did he mess Jeff up like this? How could he? He needs to check on Jeff but he can't leave since he doesn't have any money and his family doesn't seem to be grasping the thought of Matt leaving so early.

So he just sits down, staring at his hands and tries not to cry.

* * *

Jeff throws the covers off Phil's bed and laughs a psychotic laugh, "Matt! I know I'm being terrible but I don't know what else to do!" he flops down on the bed and lets out another laugh and a giggle as the blood falls on Phil's soft sheets and he pushes the pillows away and there's no pain with the metal scratching against his arms and he doesn't care anymore as the blood stains the sheets all too quickly and the scent seems to remain as he takes the last pillow and looks at the puffy pillow that as well, quickly turns red and he starts tearing the pillow even if his muscles are too tired to put in all the effort. "Stupid, stupid Matt! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I'm fine like this all by myself! I-I'm-I-"he stutters and then stops before letting laughter fill the air once more, trying to find something amusing but he can't and as his body falls to the floor, his body shakes and twitches but the laughter doesn't subside so easily as tears fall down his eyes. His fists hitting against the hard floor and he feels like his bones are cracking and his throat's so dry and-and-

His laughter finally subsides and sobs take their place. Tears falling so fast and so painfully and he can't let them stop from falling as his eyelids are ready to drop but he resists. "Matt…I don't need you…and now, I'm alone…"

His voice cracks even harder. Breaking. Fracturing. Smashing.

"I'm all alone…"

* * *

Jeff's eyes are shut tight.

He hears the sound of the door brushing open and a scream of horror and Jeff's eyes pop open and his eyes scan towards Phil's pale face as he leans down and helps Jeff up, Jeff and Phil's eyes locking with each other, Phil's mouth a gap as Jeff tries to make out the image of Phil.

_Matt. Matt. Matt._

The only thought and person and image in his head.

"J-J-Jeff?" Phil's voice is breaking too hard as tears threaten to spill from his eyes. "Jeff?!"

"…P-P-Phil? Is that you?"

"Hold on, Jeff, I'm calling the hospital right now."

"No! I don't want to go to the hospital anymore! I'm tired of living in the damn hospital! I just want to be normal…" Jeff's shaking all over again and Phil puts a hand on Jeff's wet cheek as Jeff's sobs fill the air once more.

The emptiness just doesn't go away.

"Dammit, Phil! Why me?!"

Phil doesn't say another word as he crawls towards his drawer and throws it on the floor, the drawer breaks at the impact of the fall but he doesn't care and Jeff can't see anything too clearly anymore as Phil wraps the white bandage around Jeff's wrists but it stains his own wrists.

"Jeff? Why? Why did you try killing yourself?"

"I wanted the pain to go away…I wanted it to goooooo…." Jeff whimpers and his breath's shallow and harsh and he doesn't know if he's alive or if he's dead now as his vision turns hazy and unclear and blurred but he doesn't care.

"Jeff-"

"I want it to go! Please, don't call me crazy! I just want it to go away…I don't want to be hurt anymore…"

Phil strips the bloodied sheets of his bed and wraps it around Jeff's body as he shakes and Jeff's green eyes are soft but broken and shattered and Phil doesn't know what else to do as he pulls Jeff close to him.

"Why, Jeff?"

"It's Matt. Mattt…Come back, Matt…Maaaattttttttt…"

Phil kisses Jeff's forehead.

"Jeff, don't ever scare me like that again, how could you do this? You've got so much to live for, Jeff."

"I've got nothing to live for!"

"Nothing?" Phil repeats, his eyes widened.

_Just Matt…_

* * *

**A**_ll_ **r**_u_**ined**…

* * *

**What do you think of it? It's simple but then again, it shows how much Jeff really loves Matt by now. And what can Matt do? What do you think?**

**X Sam.**


	47. Dull and Dry

**Yeahh...this is building up to the climax. Hope you likes it. :)**

* * *

47 – Dull and Dry

* * *

"So, any questions?"

Randy Orton raises his eyebrow as he searches through his tired friends who are all slouched on the couch and he sighs oh so simply and he grabs onto the microphone and looks at the meshed up microphone before sighing one more and he shakes his head. "Our last concert is tomorrow and there's gonna be critiques, guys! This could be our big break!"

No one's head twisted or turned in excitement, all faces are plastered with the same fatigue and exhaustion and tiredness as they had been since they'd come in there. Randy sighs softly. "Guys? You awake?"

He hears a snore.

"John, wake up!"

John's eyes flutter open, "huh? Where? Santa Clause?"

Randy slaps his forehead and shakes his head as he walks over to John and grabs him by the cover of his t-shirt before escorting him to the kitchen, making those on the couch giggle and chuckle as Adam runs his weak hand down Chris's back who's ready to fall asleep any moment now.

"Has anyone been practicing?"

Jeff takes out his video camera from his backpack and he blinks, remembering it's the only thing he can get out of the house since the rest just reminds him of Matt and this video camera is the only thing that had been solely Jeff's since he wants to pursue a career in art and taking pictures are just so inspirational and so motivational but he rarely finds moving photographs—

"Great! You been practicing?"

He's only practiced one time but he nods his head anyways and says so. "Just one time…"

"Good for you anyways. Let me see." Randy grabs the video camera from Jeff's hands and a smile stretches on Jeff's pale tanned face before Randy puts in the few wires inside of the video camera and he looks at Jeff's practice and laughter suddenly erupts through the room and Jeff blushes into a deep pink color.

"Hey!"

Then the horrifying video replays and Jeff's heart threatens to stop as he tries to hold back his tears.

_Jeff crawls to the living room, taking the phone off his hook, and Jeff hiccups as he brings the phone close to his ear but he feels his father's grip on his shoulder as his father tries to reach for the phone but Jeff doesn't let him._

"_Come on, Jeffy, you know that you love me. After all, I'm your father," his voice is seductive and sickening and Jeff's ready to break the phone on the floor but he doesn't and he leans down towards Jeff who's sprayed on the floor and as Gilbert takes off Jeff's pants, making Jeff push him away as he breathes in and out and Gilbert takes Jeff's shoulder and he whispers seductive words in Jeff's ear, "don't tell me you don't want it, Jeffy…"_

"_LEAVE ME ALONE!" _

_Jeff throws a punch at Gilbert's stomach again and he can't take it anymore as he pushes the buttons and presses the phone towards his ear and as the dreaded dial tone beats with the rhythm of Jeff's heart, and in moments, Jeff's throwing a punch on the floor as he feels his father move on top of Jeff's body and Jeff hears the sound of the calm, female's voice, "GET HERE NOW! MY FATHER'S GONNA FUCKING RAPE ME!" he screams his worries over the phone and his throat's aching him as his chest's moving up and down and Gilbert takes Jeff's chin, moving in to kiss him but Jeff shakes his head, looking away from him as Jeff sobs as hard as ever._

"_It's not rape, Jeff…it's a sign of love…"_

_Jeff's still panting as he tries to move away but the man's hand is so balled up into Jeff's blue and purple hair and the thought of Matt having to endure this all the time suddenly strikes fear into Jeff's head but he hears the sound of the familiar sirens and it's so damn loud and it's not soon until Gilbert takes out a pocketknife from his pocket, and he stabs the switchblade through Jeff's stomach which makes Jeff let out a horrible scream. "LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE!"_

No sounds come from anyone.

John Cena, who's usually all jokes and no seriousness, has such a pale face that he looks dead and his eyes suddenly lock towards Jeff's silhouette where Jeff stares down onto his shoes and shakes but he tries to prevent himself from letting the tears fall from his eyes.

Randy Orton's eyes are also locked on Jeff's silhouette and his heart's ready to stop from beating and with wide open lips; he could taste the sweat falling from his hair. He's ready to cry out for Jeff but he doesn't.

Chris Jericho's heart feels like it's stopped beating and icy waves of pain and horror rakes through Chris's body as the exposed agony barrels through the pale body of his. No words are able to come out of his mouth.

Adam Copeland's arm stops stroking Chris's back as Chris's arms grab onto the thick cloth of Adam's chest and for a while, no words can come out of any of their mouths but slowly, Randy moves from his place and embraces Jeff's body and Jeff presses his head towards Randy's neck, letting the tears burn through the skin. Jeff's hands were on Randy's shoulders as Jeff's body shook in Randy's arms.

Randy strokes the back of Jeff's neck.

"My-my dad's gone now…he's gone…he's gone…" _Matt's gone. Matt's gone. Matt's gone._ That's the only thought that's been crossing his head, that's the only thought that's been haunting his head, over and over and over and over.

"It's gonna be okay, Jeff. Where are you living?"

"With Phil. And God, it feels so bad. I mean, the poor thing's already messed up and he doesn't need me around."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Jeff hiccups and presses his head deeper into Randy's neck, suffocating in his scent. "Because I don't want anyone to worry. I always have something stupid up. I always have some sort of drama story in my life."

"Oh, Jeff…"

Jeff steps away from Randy's body as his eyes scan around the room, sorrow filled in their eyes and now he remembers that he doesn't want anyone's sorrow either as he walks over towards Chris and Chris rubs his hand down Jeff's side.

Randy leans down next to Jeff, his eyes on Jeff's hurt green eyes, "Jeff…"

"What?"

"We need to take you to foster care."

"W-w-w-what?!" Jeff exclaims, his voice getting dry. "I don't want to go through this all again, Randy! I don't want to see my family get torn apart and besides—I don't want to go to some distant place and move away from you guys! You're all I have now…I don't think that I can see this get taken away…"

"I'm sorry, Jeff." Chris steps in the conversation, his voice is sleek, "but you need a family, don't you? Everyone needs to be cared for and loved and we can't stand you get hurt. Tomorrow, after the concert, we're gonna take you to foster care and put you there. We'll visit every day. I swear. If there's another way, I would've done so-"

"I don't want a family…" Jeff's voice cracks.

"We're doing this for your own good, Jeff."

"No…no…" Jeff presses his back towards the couch and his heart's breaking just at the thoughts that are spiraling in his head and when he puckers up his lips, all he can taste is the dry and dull taste. "No…"

* * *

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	48. What’s Going On?

**Yeahhh....this story will hopefully be over soon. XD.**

* * *

48 – What's Going On?

* * *

It's the night of the concert.

Jeff's stomach acid sloshes through his stomach as he looks at the clothing of the band that all of them seem to have. The _'Confidential Pistol'_ has their black and blue clothing in life, black sweatshirts, accompanied by tight black jeans and a bright blue belt. The sweatshirt has their names on the sleeves and on the back, there's a picture of a gun in the back, with _'Confidential Pistol'_ on the back. Jeff can remember that Adam picks it because he's been watching way too many crime movies and they grow to the name but they're very unsure of the meaning of their band's name.

Adam peaks out of the curtains and shakes his head, wheeling his wheelchair towards them. "Hey, guys, I'm sorta nervous."

"Sorta?" Randy's face is completely sick with nausea as he hiccups and John stands by him with a bottle of water, unscrewing the lid and Randy takes the bottle of water without another word and gulps down half in ten minutes, nervously shaking and John lets out a laugh. "Are you gonna wet yourself, Ran?"

"Shut up, John, I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood!"

Randy smiles at him, and John leans down for a kiss but Randy puts the bottle up to his lips and John sighs. Randy giggles, "I'm in the mood now."

"Get a room!" Chris exclaims, making Adam chuckle and Chris runs his finger down Adam's face and kisses him, both of their tongues twisting into each other's mouths and John and Randy laugh. "You two get a room!"

Jeff smiles at his friends' randomness and lividness and before anyone could say anything, Jeff sits down onto a chair, swinging his arm and he just hopes and prays that he doesn't mess up a note and in the middle of it all, Chris walks towards them with a smile on his face, taking Jeff's wrist and helping him up, both of their bodies touching swiftly, both of their eyes are locking with each other, "Jeff? Are you okay?"

"No," Jeff whispers.

Chris and Jeff walk towards the bathroom and no one questions it as Chris slams the door of the empty bathroom and both of them are looking at each other. Chris's eyes are ready to pool tears as he looks at Jeff, "Jeff, are you okay?"

"No, no, I'm not! I'm never okay!" Jeff's voice is paining him, throat is aching and he can't do anything about it. Chris wrap his arms around Jeff's waist and both of their bodies are pressing against each other, Jeff's face presses against Chris's shoulder and the scent of Chris's body is smothering his nose.

"What do you want, Jeff? We've never asked you that."

"I want Matt!" Jeff exclaims and his body's empty with pain and agony as Jeff looks at Chris. "That's all I've ever wanted! I want my brother. I want Matt. I want to hold him just one more time. I just want to look at him. I want to spend this one night with him before I have to go be some stranger's son…I…I know I'm crazy, Chris…you don't have to listen to me…I…I…"

Chris shakes his head. "If you want Matt, then I'll take you to Matt. Where's Matt?"

"Canada! He's in Canada! I can't-"

Chris's smile stretches on his face and he takes out three tickets from his pocket, "I was saving this for me, Jason and Adam but since you need it more than we do, I'll go with you but you have to promise that you won't tell Adam about this. He's been complaining about going to Canada for a while and I'm not raining money. I can take him any time. In his birthday or something. And Jay, Jay'll understand."

"Are-are you sure about this?" Jeff's heart is about to explode from want and happiness. He wants Matt. Just this one time. Just to look into those eyes. Just to fall in love with that face all over again. He wants it so bad and he knows it. His eyes are bubbling with happiness and joy and seeing that, Chris already knows that he's doing the right thing. "Can we take Phil, too?"

"Philip Jack Brooks?" Chris thinks of the straight edge superstar, the black haired vixen with those olive eyes and that pale face. "That Phil?"

Jeff nods his head, "He's done a lot for me. A vacation for us will just be what we need. He's just like me, Chris. You'll like him. He's not so bad." Phil has a reputation in the school and for some reason; everyone hates him and just loves pushing him around because they know that Phil will never fight back. "Chris?"

"Let's call Phil."

A smile smears on Chris's face.

For the first time, everything's going right.

Jeff's heart's pounding with excitement and it stays that way through the flight, the sleeping Phil beside him and Chris's head is on Jeff's shoulder and Jeff is just unable to sleep, thinking of it all. After telling Randy that it's an emergency, the eighteen year old just nods his head and allows them to go. And during this all, they're shuffling their giggles and finally laugh while driving to Phil's house. Jeff smiles as he looks outside the window, his fingers tracing along the cold glassed window. "I'm gonna see you, Matt…I'm gonna be happy…I'm gonna be happy, Matt…"

After so long, happiness seems like a dream.

And he just wishes that it'll be reality now.

"I'm gonna be happy…am I happy now, Matty?"

* * *

**JEFFY WILL SEE MATTY! YAY!**

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	49. Shattered Confidence

**Thanksies for the review. I'll try to wrap this story up fast! :)**

* * *

49 – Shattered Confidence

* * *

The moment Chris got into the cab with the duo, he told the driver to take him to a specific address on a very specific well known road and when they had reached there, a blonde twelve year old female was staring at him with vibrant, bright blue eyes and as Chris and Phil and Jeff step out, the twelve year old girl cines running up to Chris and a smile spread across Chris's lips. "Hellooo, Emma!"

Emma giggles and looks at Phil and Jeff, "are those your friends, Chrissy?"

Chris grunts at the too corny nickname but nods his head. "Yes, where's Uncle Aaron? I need to tell him that they're staying."

"Yeah, Chris's friends are gonna stay!" the beaming, cheerful young girl runs towards the simple white-painted house and Chris looks back at Phil and Jeff, who are just standing there, no words coming out of their mouths because there's nothing to say and when Aaron comes outside, a smile spread on Chris's face. "Uncle Aaron, my friends and I don't want to pay for a cheap hotel, can we stay here?"

"You always didn't want to give money away," Aaron jokes but nods his head. "Yeah, get in there. It's time for lunch. Hope you didn't eat anything on your way here. You know how much Betsey hates it when you come over here and you have to say 'no' to her food."

"You know how much I hate Betsey. Snob." Aaron disappears inside of the house and Chris walks inside afterwards, looking back just to see if the duo are following him and nods to himself he realizes that they are, and once inside the house, Chris crashes towards the couch while Jeff and Phil shyly walk towards another red plush couch and sit on it. "Don't be so shy. Our house is yours, too."

Phil smiles weakly and Jeff mirrors that smile.

"Damn, when Jeff said you had a lot in common, he wasn't joking." Chris lets out a slight chuckle.

After eating a too healthy and nutritious meal, Phil says that he's going to sleep because traveling trips always tire him out while Jeff says that he's going to look for Chris, after moments of looking around for Chris, he's ready to give up but when he hears a sweet, melodic voice coming from a room, Jeff takes a short breath and walks inside of the room, only to find Chris sitting on a black chair and strumming his guitar, singing along to the notes and Jeff just stands there, amazing at the intensity of Chris's voice.

"What?" Chris says when he realizes that Jeff's standing there.

Jeff slowly moves away and lies down onto his bed, staring at Chris with the too much amazement bubbling in his eyes. "Why aren't you lead singer? You sound…amazing."

Chris shuffles out his laughter, chortles coming out of his mouth.

"Why do you think that I'm using the guitar? I have stage fright! I can't go up there! Last time I did, my throat closed up so bad and I fainted right there on the floor," Chris laughs once more. "I didn't know you were there so I just went on and besides, you're only one person but in front of a crowd…I can't do that."

"You don't look like the type of guy that has stage fright," Jeff reassures him, "I mean, just two days ago, you stood up in front of the class and called Ms. Sums and called her a hypocrite. That's not the guy I know!"

"Just that, in front of…that many people and on that stage, sweating and if I ate, I'd throw up. If I didn't eat, I'd faint. It's just always been that way. Have you ever seen me go up on that stage if I wasn't way in the back? Or next to Adam? But on the mike, right there, it's hard for me. That's why I'm fine with Randy's arrangement." Chris explains, shaking his head and pulling his guitar towards the table. "Where's Matt?"

"I don't know…he lives with the Campbell's."

Chris sighs. "Campbell's? There are about twenty Campbell's I know. I'll check the phone book, call each one of them and check if they have a son named Matt and we'll go to those that say 'yes'. Fine enough with you, Jeff?"

Jeff nods his head. "I just wanna see him…"

"He must mean a lot to you. Whatever he does is just okay with you, it's because you love him too much…I mean, sometimes, Adam screws up and Randy or John or you have to tell me that he's screwing up something, I just don't see it…it's just the blindness of being in love with someone…you don't notice any of his flaws because all you can see is his perfections." Chris looks like a love sick child as his mind drifts away to a world where him and Adam only exist, a bright smile on his face.

"Where's Phil?"

"He's asleep," Jeff chuckles. "He sleeps after traveling. He just gets so tired."

Chris nods his head, his eyes turning sorrowful and sad and his mouth curves into a weak, sad smile. "I miss Adam… I guess I love him so much that I've become so reliant on him… I really wanna see him…my baby."

Jeff nods his head and sits down beside him, "my baby. So far away from me…"

Jeff puts his head on Chris's shoulder as Chris runs his hand down his sides and Chris kisses Jeff's fruity-scented forehead as Jeff slowly slips off to sleep…

* * *

Chris lays Jeff down onto the bed and walks towards the balcony, letting his hand glide from the tip of the white edge and he shakes his head. "Adaaaam…" he whines and he sits down and looks at his cell phone—should he call him? Will there be too many questions? He just doesn't know anymore.

He presses his cell phone close to his ear and takes a quick breath before hearing Adam's voice. "Chris? Babe? Where are you?! I'm worried sick about you, doll. Where are you…?" his voice softens towards the end.

"I'm in Canada. Apparently, Jeff needed to go here to see Matt and I'm sorry, baby for leaving like that and scaring you. If it makes you feel any better, you've all I've been thinking of… how was the concert?"

"We cancelled it since both you and Jeff were gone and Cena can't play anything. Even the triangle." Adam chuckles, that sweet chuckle that Chris learns to love and now, he misses hearing that chuckle and seeing that expression of Adam's too beautiful to be real face. Chris leans down towards his balcony, staring down at the place, the garden of his memories, the garden of dreams he used to play in and tears roll down his eyes, soft sobs escaping his mouth. "Are you crying, Chris?"

"I miss you! I can't handle this. I'm back here in Canada and everything reminds me of you!" Chris exclaims, sniffing and staring down back at the garden, "remember Uncle Aaron's garden? I used to play there with you every day when we got back from school and you constantly say that you want our children to grow up there…we had too many dreams, Adam, here. I can't look at it without remembering how you used to run and trip. It just makes me feel sad."

"Hold on, baby. Hold on."

"_Chris, you still awake?"_

Chris looks down towards Aaron who's standing there and Chris shakes his head before he walks back inside his and Jeff's room, seeing Jeff curl towards his bed, with drool coming out of his mouth and Chris shakes his head, wiping the droplets of drool from Jeff's mouth and he lays down besides Jeff.

After two hours, he realizes he can't sleep.

He picks up the phone.

"Hello…do you happen to have a Matt Campbell in your family?"

Without Adam, Chris can feel his confidence shatter and he's not all that confident at all. He's shaking and his voice is shy and he'd running his hand through Jeff's hair, just thinking but unable to grasp on the concept.

* * *

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	50. The Night is Bitter

* * *

50 – The Night Is Bitter

* * *

_Chris's fingers run across the red notebook of his as he stares at the garden in front of him, four dozen roses and a dozen lilies and around ten daffodils flowering and blooming around, rising through the dirt and dust and the breezy, fresh air burns through the air around him as he stands up and lets the notebook fall._

_No inspiration._

_He doesn't know why his teachers plan on making him do this poetry assignments when he isn't a poet at all and just as he's about to walk back inside, he hears the voice of the neighborhood child, Adam Copeland, running towards him._

"_Chris!"_

_Chris's eyes enlighten and he runs towards Adam who holds him by the waist and lifts him up, pressing his lips towards them, the sticky, sweet taste of Chris's lips are mixing in with Adam's aftertaste of lollipop and a hint of chocolate milk and as Chris tries to pull off, Adam holds onto his wrists and forces his tongue into his mouth._

_Adam leans away from Chris's mouth, staring into those eyes as Chris's eyes bubble with tears. "Why-why did you kiss me?"_

"_Don't you like me, Chrissy?" Adam kisses Chris's cheek. The eleven year old still keeps that smile playing on his lips. "Mom says if you really, really like a person, you kiss them and I really, really like you, Chris."_

_A smile spreads across Chris's lips._

_Both of their lips meet again and Chris finally finds his inspiration and it's been standing right in front of him all along…_

* * *

That as the morning starts, Jeff stretches and realizes how painful his muscles are being but he doesn't care and he hears the sound of something breaking, just to realize that Phil has broken some sort of glass onto the floor and just as Phil leans down, he picks up a couple of medical glasses and shakes his head. "Oh great," he mumbles underneath him and he shakes his head. "I need a new pair."

"You were glasses?"

Phil nods his head and sighs softly. "I don't look like I do but I actually have a pretty weak vision. I can't see too well and I wear contacts at school but I keep my glasses, just in case. I guess they broke." He chuckles.

"Matt used to have to wear glasses," Jeff chuckles at the memory, "when he realizes that he could get contacts, he went all crazy with them. He used to have those square-shaped glasses and the rims were red so he looks kinda weird but…cute. You know. Like a kid. You can just pinch Matty's cheeks!"

The memory brings Jeff down as he shakes his head. "Matt…"

Phil puts a hand on his shoulder, causing Jeff to stare at him and a soft smile spreads across Jeff's face, Jeff's head on Phil's shoulder and Phil runs his finger through Jeff's hair, feeling the stiffness of Jeff's hair slowly turn into softness as he keeps on stroking his hair and just as he hears the sound of the door creaking open, he sees Chris standing there, staring down at tiny Emma as she bounces and jumps around and this causes both of them to break out of their position.

Emma waves around her doll, "Chrissy made us some breakfast! He's a good cook. A nice cook but don't cry his eggs, too much salt!"

"You're just jealous of my eggs because they're really secretly amazing."

Emma giggles and shakes her head, walking over towards Jeff and Phil and waving around her doll, "this is Lolly-Dolly. She's 4 years old and she's very pretty. She looks like Jeff. Lots of hair colors!"

"I used to have a doll too."

"Really?" Emma's eyes twinkle. "What was her name? Do you like her? How old was she? Did she have to go away…?"

Jeff's mouth drops and his face turns paler. "Her name was Ruby. After my mother. She was tiny and small and when my mom died, I threw her away. I couldn't look at that fur. It's the same color of her hair. It's just…too much, Emma…"

Emma's eyes spring with tears. "Your mommy is gone?"

Jeff nods his head and kisses Emma's forehead. "My mommy is gone…"

"Does she look like you?"

Jeff shakes his head. "No. I look more like my father." Disgust fills his every word and Jeff twirls around, staring into the eyes of Emma who's eyes have now dried of tears but her face is still sad. "You know, mommy was very, very sick and she wanted me to take care of her…would you take care of your mother when she gets sick?"

The girl nods her head. "Yes, I will take care of mommy."

Jeff kisses the girl's forehead again. "Thank you, sweetie."

"Just tell me if your mommy's happy."

Jeff really doubts it but he nods his head towards the girl, "she's happy…"

_Isn't she?_

* * *

The night's so bitter.

Chris has it all narrowed down. There are about two families with the last name _Campbell_ that have a son with the angelic name _Matt_ and he's sure that one of them will be Jeff's brother, Matt and looking back to see Jeff sitting there, sucking on a cherry red lollipop with hopeful dreams and loveable fantasies all bubbling through those pure eyes and Chris's heart just crushes as he stares at Jeff, his Jeff, so hopeful and he's sure that hope will be so crushed. In moments.

Chris walks into the first house and stares at the sandy brown haired girl that stands by the doorway, "is there a Matt in here?"

The sandy brown haired girl nods sweetly and walks inside and Jeff crosses his fingers, hopeful, and he wishes that it'll all go well as a brown haired blue eyed boy walks towards them with a smile painted on those pouty pink lips, "this is my brother, Matt." The girl stands beside them.

"They need me?"

"No, sorry." Chris pipes in and he walks off, leaving Jeff there with a taint of pain in his eyes but he follows Chris around anyways and just as Chris is about to get inside of the car, he stares back at Jeff, who's standing there with pained eyes and soft pouts and his eyes are watering up but he lies down there and snuggling towards his seat, his heart's ready to burst from beating so bad.

This is the last chance. Last house. If Matt's not there…then Jeff would've gone all the way up to Canada for nothing and a million thoughts are racing through his head and tears are spluttering out of his eyes now and it's such a long drive there, the hot liquid is absorbed by his skin.

"…Jeff?"

"I'm sorry. It's just that-"

"You don't have to explain, Jeff."

A smile slips across Chris's face as he stops towards the gas station and he slips outside to walk out to get a bunch of food, leaving Jeff alone and just as he realizes that Phil is right next to him, staring down and they just realize that they're here. "Phil? You came?"

Phil nods his head and sighs. "I don't want to be at home when you look at your brother. I wanna be right next to you to see that smile on your face so I know that happiness does exist. Even in this dark world…"

Jeff puts his head on Phil's shoulder and Phil runs his hand down Jeff's back, Jeff's eyes slowly closing and Phil kisses onto Jeff's sweaty, fruity forehead, tasting the grapefruit of his perfume and just as he hears the sound of the car starting, he sees the fact that Chris isn't the one driving, there are two people driving.

"Hello, Jeff."

"Hello, Phil."

Both of their hearts beat at such a fast rate when they heard their names and both of their eyes are spluttering with tears, screaming as the car starts up again and the night's still all too bitter.

"…what? You hate your own fathers?"

* * *


	51. Don’t Give Up

**No one saw that one was coming…and no, **_**KakashiXIrukaLover**_**, sadly, it's not a dream. I'm trying to get these last few chapters straightened because this story is soon going to be over. Fortunately and unfortunately. I got attached since it's my first Hardycest story.**

**Also, I'm taking information from my sister. She says that Matt looks more of his mother and Jeff looks more of his father. That's all I got from her so hopefully, that's not too much of wrong information. **_**DARK & SAD CHAPTER**_**. Of course.**

* * *

51 – Don't Give Up

* * *

Gilbert starts up the car and they're both pulled back at the impact of the car and Jeff shivers and shakes into Phil's protective arms and both of them can't stop their tears from falling at all.

Phil's father crawls to the back of the car, grabbing onto Jeff's wrist and twisting it, causing Jeff to let out a soft, pained moan as he's being pushed towards the front seat and Gilbert stops the car, grabbing Jeff by the collar of his shirt and staring at him, those eyes haunt him for too long as Gilbert grabs onto Jeff's shirt and tears it into pieces, causing Jeff to gasp as he stares down at his now tattered and battered t-shirt and Gilbert's hand goes over Jeff's heart as fear bangs and pangs into his body all too fast, covering every nerve and molecule and fiber of his being and the terror still stays there as Gilbert takes out a knife and crosses it around Jeff's neck. "You know what you'd made me feel boy when you'd taken me to jail? You made me feel like you deserve this, Jeff…you know I don't want to do this but you're making me do this…" he circles the knife around Jeff's neck, letting it cut a thin, line along his neck before he deepens the knife down his shoulder, causing blood to spill all too fast.

Jeff's eyes splutter with tears and his eyes are trying to see the image in front of him, his father, trying to kill him and he hears Phil's shriek as he hears his cries of pain and suffering and Jeff just tries to image Matt's face one more time, just one more time, before he dies—and he hopes that's all he'll need as Jeff lets his words of emotion fall out of his tongue. "You're my father…you're Matt's father…why did you do this to him? Why are you doing this to me…? He didn't do anything."

"He looked like _her_," Gilbert's voice is laced with thickness and certainty. "His eyes, her eyes. His face, her face. _He looks just like her_. And I can't handle it. One day, I just walked in on him, say his face, we're all alone and I just did it. I raped him. I know it's fucking wrong…but God, he felt so right. My virgin Matty…" he chuckles sadistically. "He was only twelve…and he could _scream_…"

"That's sick," Jeff says, appalled, just imagining Matt's face, and guilt just rips through Jeff's body as Gilbert moves away from his seat, shifting and Jeff tries to punch him, defend himself and his eyes are trying to look at Phil's by Gilbert lifts Jeff's face and both of them stare at each other.

Jeff tries to move backwards, to try and get Phil and get them out of here before they both die on the hands of these sadistic 'fathers'.

This causes Gilbert to accidentally fall as he tries to grab onto Jeff's thigh and this causes Gilbert to stomp on the accelerator and push them both towards the seat at the impact of the speed and just as Jeff stares over the seat to see Phil sitting there, with blood seeping from his forehead and tears spluttering out of his eyes, his father tugging at that jet black hair and—

And—

The car runs through a nearby cliff, Jeff prays…

Please, God, I've never asked for anything…just tell me that Matt will be safe…please, just please, Matt…

Just before he can finish, the car flies over the cliff, hearing the sound of the screeching tires and Jeff braces for the pain that's going to overtake his shaking, scared body and in moments, the car breaks into pieces, the rocks causes the car to destroy and the glass spreads everywhere and cuts into their skin…

_Matt…_

Jeff slowly slips off into the darkness with his eyes spread open, his imaginary Matt holding onto him before he faints…

* * *

Matt Hardy hears the sound of a crash.

He moves away from the Campbell's picnic area when he'd heard the crash and he sighs when they tell him that he can't go back to visit Jeff because they have a very weak budget and he pushes Stevie or whoever and he runs down to see the explosion and he sees the battered and damaged car downwards, and his heart just basically stops.

He slips down and he's able to make out creamy, soft tan pale skin and flying colorful hair and his heart skips…

_No…it can't be Jeff. It can't be Jeff. It can't be Jeff._

His eyes are blurring with hot tears as he slips down, rock from rock, scared but he needs to know if that figure is truly Jeff and if he can get to him safely and he just hopes that he's alive and as he slips down, almost tumbling and falling down, he falls down after a few feet, staring at the somehow slightly away car accident but he can see bits and pieces of the battered car.

He hears the sound of a groan and he runs towards it to see Phil's face, wisps and tufts of Phil's jet black hair is in front of his pale, sticky face and he runs his finger through Phil's face, the dry blood clots along his face and this scares him like Hell as he fingers the skin as Phil's chocolate eyes glow softly. "Matt…Matt…Jeff…Jeff…find him…"

"I can't leave you here, Phil. You're in no condition to stay here and die."

"Let me…die…let me…" Matt holds onto Phil's body and he carries him, the blood that seeps onto Matt's hands, it's sickening and Matt just feels so sorrowful for Phil and he kisses Phil's forehead, tasting the black taste of Phil's forehead and he feels the rusty taste of blood run through his throat as he looks through the accident. Accidentally stepping on a person's hand, he looks down and he almost jumps as he stares down at his own father's body and his heart just starts bleeding with horror and terror and relief.

The nightmare's over.

Matt walks from his father to Phil's father and seeing the dead, squished man makes Phil bury his head into Matt's chest and sob uncontrollably, holding onto the thick cloth of his shirt and letting the tears get absorbed by the cloth of Matt's black shirt as Matt looks for Jeff and when he sees his brother, underneath the car, blood spreading everywhere and hair strands flying everywhere and so much blood…and God, so much blood… Matt's eyes start shedding even hot tears that only get absorbed by his skin as if they're nothing as Matt leans down, causing Phil to move away from him and Matt just doesn't hear the small excuse coming out of Phil's chapped lips as he moves the car off of Jeff's body.

He sees Jeff's face, until his neck and chest and then the car hides the rest of Jeff's body, crushing it and just as Matt moves Jeff away from the car, seeing that broken, tattered body and he feels the deadness of his skin and he just hopes that Jeff isn't dead as he holds onto Jeff's body, bringing him close and he smells a strong, thick scent and at alert of him, remembering those all too many horror movies, he and Phil run from the car scene as a explosion occurs, ignites and sparks of amber flies everywhere and it knocks both of them down onto the floor as Matt curls Jeff up to him, letting the tears seep. "No…no…he can't be dead…no…he can't…I won't…please…" he whispers and kisses Jeff's forehead. "Yeah, you're not dead. You're just playing with me. You've always wanted to see me cry, right, Jeff? You're not dead. You're just playing with me…you're fine, aren't you? You're fine…you can't be dead…"

The flames of amber are digging into Matt and Jeff's body and none of them care and neither does Phil as he curls up towards Matt and looks at Jeff, tears falling freely from both of their faces.

Matt stares down at Jeff's face. "I swear I'd buy you Skittles or something. Jeff, just wake up…please, do it for me? The nightmare's over…I wanna see you smile…I wanna see your eyes, Jeff…you know? Your eyes…? Your beautiful green eyes? Breathe, Jeff. Breathe…breathe for me…breathe with me…Jeff…Jeff…Jeff, don't this to me, now…I can't take this anymore…" his voice cracks. "Jeff, no…don't die…you can't be dead…you can't be…you can't…" he runs his fingers through Jeff's cracked, bloodied face.

Matt's eyes are still spluttering too many hot tears. "You're the only thing I have left…no this in unfair…"

He stares up at the sky with his shoulders shaking, "this is unfair, God! He's just a kid. Why couldn't you have just killed me? Why doesn't anyone just rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it?! Why does it have to be him…? He's so young…I know I'm crazy, God. I know I don't know what the hell I'm saying half the time but I have feelings! I'm crazy and I have feelings and…I don't want him to die! I'm the one that's fucked up, not Jeff! Please…don't fuck up Jeff, God…he's just a kid… just…" He runs his fingers through Jeff's skin, now sobbing uncontrollably… "Please, don't do this to me, God! Please! Please, don't do this to me, Jeff! Don't give up…don't give up…"

Matt kisses Jeff's cheek in distress, just trying to feel a little life anywhere on that skin and he's just too scared to check the pulse, to see if his Jeff's really breathing and he's so scared of just fucking everything. "I love you," he kisses Jeff's lips, soft and chaste. "I LOVE YOU, JEFF! I'm sorry…just come back…" his hot breaths on Jeff's skin.

"Jeffery, you better wake up right now. I'm not joking…" Matt tries to command but his command is chopped into broken sobs.

"Jeff…"

* * *

**I wanted to stop halfway through Matt's emotions but I couldn't. I felt like I was Matt…whoa, honestly, I was depressed when I wrote this. If this chapter made you cry, I did what I was supposed to do. I was aiming for a tear or two. **

**X Sam.**


	52. Am I Awake?

* * *

52 – Am I Awake?

* * *

Matt's life has just turned upside down.

His brother's hooked to a million wires and Phil's laying on the cot beside him, Phil and Matt's eyes are only, only on Jeff, who's laying there, with closed eyes and the Doctor hasn't said anything yet, afraid to break the silence as Matt moves towards Jeff, running his hand down Jeff's cheek, tears spluttering out of his eyes all over again and he doesn't know what he'll do to himself if Jeff would just die and he hears the sound of footsteps as he hears a gasp falling out of a person's lips and his head twists to see Chris standing there with eyes bubbling with tears as he walks towards Jeff, standing beside Matt and Chris reaches out to touch the seemingly dead Jeff and when he feels no movement, the tears spill faster and harder and both of them sit down right next to each other, no one saying a word at all for so long.

"He looks like hell."

Chris breaks the silence.

Matt nods his head. "Yeah."

The silence roams again and then, Matt just breaks the silence, saying the thoughts that refused to be bubbling in his head anymore, letting every thought slip of his dry lips. "I spent my entire life taking care of him. I made sure he always got up at 6 and did his homework while I vacuumed and cleaned the house and got him breakfast and he'd always tease me around with the red rose I always put there for decoration, claiming it was like a night after sex and I'd try being romantic but I like red roses and I thought Jeff was one, he was so beautiful and delicate…and I loved him. I really did. I wanted to kiss him and touch him but I know it's wrong. I know it's fucking wrong but I don't care…not anymore."

Chris lets the information sink in as Matt continues to talk. "And after school, we'd always bitch about something. Either he failed a test or he wanted to go out and I wouldn't let him past 6 and there was always the fact that he refused to wear a pledge ring because Jeff keeps his promises and he can't take a pledge ring…" _and he promised he'd never leave me…_ "And either way, he calls me overprotective and I just tried to be what the big brother was supposed to be…" _…why did you leave me, Jeff? You promised…you promised. You fucking promised! Why…?_

Matt slams his fists towards his own lap and he shakes his head, the tears sprinkling out of his eyes and his breath's caught in his throat. "I used to take care of him…and now…I feel like he needs to take care of me…"

* * *

_Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep._

The sound of the monitor beeping and beeping, over and over, causing his ears to get red hot from the pain as it bangs through his head and his vibrant green eyes slowly open to see the world around him and he sees the hazy vision of Matt and Chris, crying and he wonders why they're crying and just as those visions flash through his head, of what had happened in _hours? days? years?_ and just as he groans, both of them stare at his body and Matt stands up, walking over to the still trying to adjust to his vision Jeff and he hugs him, sobbing.

"Don't ever scare me like that again!"

"Matty…?" Jeff's voice is hoarse and cracked and just the feel of Matt's warm arms around him makes all of his troubles melt away into nothingness. "Matt…" Jeff presses his head on Matt's shoulders and feels Matt's hot breath onto Jeff's neck.

Jeff runs his hand down Matt's back, "take the pain away, Matty…take the pain away…"

"Just breathe, Jeff, just breathe," Matt watches as Jeff takes several deep breaths before he hugs Matt again, just to smell that weak, soft scent of lilacs and roses all over again, that intoxicating mixture of those two flowers and honey, it's Matt's personal scent and Jeff knows that he's probing too much in it but he doesn't care and he knows that he's missed that scent too much.

"Am I awake?"

Matt stares at him and nods his head. "Yes, Jeff, you're awake. You're alive."

"Are you gonna stay?"

"I don't know-"

Just as Matt's going to explain it, Jeff sits upright and stares into Matt's hard dark brown eyes with those still dull pained green eyes and he hyperventilates, suddenly losing the ability to breathe again.

"Jeff, breathe!"

"Why the hell should I breathe?! You're gonna go again! I know you will. I know you're going to go away…" Jeff's voice cracks, tears falling freely down his pale, pasty face. "Give me a reason to breathe again! You're the one who's giving me life and now, you're ripping it away from me, Matty! You're _destroying_ me. _AGAIN_. Just go away. Just let me rot in this place."

"Jeff, stop acting like a child! You know that it's not my choice!"

"A kid?" Jeff laughs; a bitter, dark laughter that strikes too much fear into Matt's heart. "A kid? Is that what I am? Does a kid threaten to kill himself? Does a kid want to die every second he breathes? Does a kid get fucked up like this? Tell me, Matt! Am I a kid…? Am I filled with sunshine and rainbows and see the world all too brightly? AM I JUST A FUCKING KID TO YOU, MATTY?!"

"Jeff, Jeff, this is so unlike you…" Matt whispers.

"Spend all this time apart from the one you love and see how you'll feel…after all, I told you I loved you and you told me you can't give me another chance! You tore my heart out of my chest literally and stomped on it and you hurt me so bad that I could only see my blood spluttering out of my fucking heart…the rest of the world is all tainted and fucked up and great…guess what? I'm fucked up, too, Matt."

"Jeff…" Matt's eyes are filled with sympathy and empathy.

"GET OUT. NOW. I'm tired of being rejected by you!"

Matt flinches and walks off, not another word is uttered out of their mouths and Jeff holds his head into his hands as he cries, tears finally falling out of his eyes as he feels this feeling of tiredness as he just slips off into sleep. He can't take it anymore. He's just so damn drowsy and he just doesn't understand why…

Just as he's about to start with his fantasies and dreams, he hears the sound of footsteps walk in and he opens his eyes just to tell Matt off once more but instead of Matt, a Doctor is standing there with a sympathetic look on his face.

"Jeff…you're bleeding in your brain."

* * *

**Of course. Leave it up to me to make it even more depressing. What? I love dark endings for stories.**

**X Sam.**


	53. Breathing You

* * *

53 – Breathing You

* * *

Bleeding in the brain.

**Brain hemorrhage.**

_50% chances of dying._

Jeff lays his head on his bedside and he just wants to cry but he doesn't want to spend his last few days crying as the Doctor sympathetically puts a hand on his shoulder but Jeff shakes it off.

"Matt."

Matt doesn't even know that he's fucking dying now.

"Jeffery, I need to know when I can start the treatment."

"When I see my brother!" Jeff exclaims, sitting up, tears falling down my eyes and shakes and his body's shivering and shaking and he can't breathe at all and his head's pounding as hard as ever and he just wants to go to sleep even if he's just woken up and he hears the sound of Chris opening the door with wide eyes.

"Jeff…you're awake?" there's a slight hint of joy in his voice.

The Doctor stares back at Chris, seeing the enlightened plastered happiness and joy on his face and he'd tell him that Jeff's going to die but he doesn't want to break his spirits and just as Chris sits beside Jeff as the Doctor continues. "You're being crazy, Jeff. You're going to die if you don't get this treated yet."

That's it. All the joy and life is sucked out of Chris's face too fast. "W-what…?"

"I want Matt. If I don't get him, I don't get any treatment. That's it."

"When you're in real need of it, when I tell you that this is your last chance, you'll come begging and you'll have less chance of survival then, Jeff…you already only have 50% chance of survival…do you want to take that down to a 10%."

"Anything to have Matt right in front of me. I said I'd die for him…" Jeff's eyes glow with pain and desolation, remembering those simple times and those lovely-dovey movies that they want on replay and repeat, the ones with the cheesy distasteful endings and his eyes are producing tiny tears. "…I meant it."

* * *

"MATT!"

Matt's head twists from his yard to see Chris running to him and falling down onto his stomach but he doesn't seem to care as he stares up at Matt with those wide, soft baby blue eyes.

"Matt, listen!"

Matt leans down to help Chris up, astounded at the desperation of his voice and wondering why he's acting like everything's so urgent.

"Matt! Matt! It's Jeff! He-he-he-"

"I'm not talking to him." Matt twists his body so he can walk away but Chris holds onto his hand again, grabbing onto it tightly so that Matt twists his head back towards Chris's still too pallid face.

"Jeff's bleeding in his brain, Matt! This is serious! He said he didn't want to get treatment unless you came to visit him!"

Matt laughs and shakes his head. His face turns serious and his eyes are focused deeply onto Chris's face and he can see some sincerity but he doesn't want to see Jeff. He doesn't want to fall for him. Everything's so much better without him, isn't it? And Matt shakes his head again and his head's pounding so badly and he watches Chris grab onto his wrist. "Jeff! JUST LOOK AT HIM!"

"No! He's not dying! I know so!"

Matt's just so confused and he knows that if he goes back there and they make up, they're still going to be in a world of pain.

Chris's eyes are watering up with tears. "You're killing him…you know?"

Matt just stares at him no words coming off his mouth as Chris walks away and so much guilt is building up in his body and just as Matt's about to leave, he hears the sound of Cindy. "Matty! Come over here!"

"No one calls me Matty." _No one's allowed other than Jeff._

Cindy's standing there in her wedding dress as she walks over to Matt and a smile curves onto her face. "Get ready for the wedding! I'm going to get married soon, you know?" She bounces up and down. "I'm excited! Caleb is the boy for me!" she runs off and Matt's just about to look back at the trail that Chris's left but Matt sighs and walks inside of the house again, slipping into his tuxedo and trying to forget the rest of that life…

"_I used to take care of him…and now…I feel like he needs to take care of me…"_

Matt just sits down at the car and peers out and that saying is repeating, over and over, in his head as he stares out with those puppy dog eyes and as they're passing by the hospital, he just opens the door of the moving car, falling down and hurting himself all too badly as the car just stops while Matt stands up, running towards the hospital doors.

"Jeff…" Matt's voice barely lets his brother's name out. "Jeff…please, tell me that it's all a joke…"

Just as he's stopped to talk to the lady at the counter, he feels a hard hand on his shoulder and he looks up at Stevie's angry face.

Stevie…who has a temper… "You did this to my sister for what? How could you? It's her wedding day! What the hell do you think you're doing, you insane schizophrenic jerk!"

Matt's face peers behind the family, who's looking at him with a face of shock as Stevie balls his hand into a fist and hits him, hard.

Snot and blood flows out of Matt's nose.

He doesn't think he can make it.

* * *

"Jeff…we need to do the treatment now."

"You can't make me."

But they do make him. Chris holds him down as Jeff shuts his eyes and keeps them closed as he screams.

"I'm sorry, Jeff…" Chris whispers into Jeff's ear.

"No! I want Matty! I want him! I swore-"

"You're killing yourself!" Chris's trying to help him but he's unable to understand why Jeff's so sadistic, the attachment that he has with Matt, it's not only dreadful to Jeff's health but it's also sickening in some way. Jeff depends on Matt too much and Chris can't handle that anymore and he's sorry but he can't watch Jeff rot himself in his bed. "I can't let you do this!"

"CHRIS! Please!"

His throat is aching and suffering.

"Jeff…"

The Doctor pulls out a calcium channel blocker by the name of Verapin and he takes out two soft yellow pills and forces the pills inside of Jeff's mouth and he shakes his head, trying to push the Doctor away but unable too because of his weakened structure as his body collapses on top of the cot.

"I'll wait an hour before I do the angioplasty on him."

Chris's eyes widen as he stares down at Jeff. "That's a surgery."

The Doctor nods his head. "I have no other choice… Jeff's body is too weak to function." He takes out an x-ray and shows him his effected brain. "If I don't help him soon, he'll go into a deep coma and die. He's bleeding too much and it's too unhealthy for him. He doesn't have long… let's just hope the angioplasty works. Or else he'll die…"

Jeff isn't shocked and he doesn't care.

_I'm still breathing on Matt's oxygen. I was dead a long time ago._

* * *


	54. Devotion

**And it gets sadder. Yeah, I know, I'm so sadistic.**

* * *

54 – Devotion

* * *

Feeling of attachment.

Fidelity.

Care.

Warmth.

**Devotion**.

Affection.

_Love_.

* * *

Jeff is slowly being wheeled towards the surgery room as his breath is caught in his throat and he's so tired and he can't talk and his head's pounding so damn hard and his stomach is sloshing around with acid and venom and Jeff's ready to throw up and—

Soon, he's seeing the lights.

And the Doctor is ready to sedate him…

* * *

Matt gets away from Stevie.

His face is pale with pain and terror and desolation twisted in every vein and artery of his face.

Blood seeping out of a gash on his forehead.

Sticky. Hot. Thick. Blood.

On his forehead.

Cindy's eyes are filled with tears. "Steve, stop! He's bleeding! Leave him alone!"

Stuart's face is filled with tear tracks and his lips are chapped and dry and Stuart's body is shaking. "Stevie, he's hurt! Please! Stevie-Steve, don't hurt him anymore! I can't stand it!"

Stevie's mother's eyes are widened with horror and her face's too pallid and pale and she can't really say a word for a while. "Stevie…"

Stevie's father is holding onto her shoulder, watching his son hit onto Matt's face one more time, causing Matt to fall down, blood pouring out of his forehead, a deep gash that's pouring too much blood and there are several bruises the size of stencils on the side of his face.

The pale face has too many colors of blood and bruises and pain and desolation popping against the thin structure of his round face.

Cindy can't handle it anymore, she rushes over to Matt and holds onto his shoulder, helping him up and watches as he gasps for breath. "Jeff…Jeff… I need to get to Jeff." Tears falling out of his face.

Just before Cindy can say another word, Matt stands up and with shaky and wobbly knees, and he falls down again.

"You know what? On the first day of school, just afterwards, you know what he told me? You know what he showed me? That he's really crazy! He's an actual schizophrenic and you know what? He killed people! He actually killed a little girl! You know? He showed me a fucking video! He's a killer! And I'm calling the police!" Stevie flashes a tiny black tape and Matt stares at him, unable to say any words, his face full of paleness.

"You're betraying me…" Matt's voice breaks. "I trusted you!"

"Wait…" Cindy's voice trails. "It's all true? Matt's a _killer_?"

"He's a killer and he's in love with his brother!"

"What?" Cindy repeats, staring at Matt and her eyes are tearing up with tears all over again. "Is this true? You're in love with your brother?" her voice is filled with disgust and revolt and Matt can't take it.

"…I'm a schizophrenic. It's not my fault I'm so fucked up." Matt's eyes are filled with tears again, falling so freely from his face. "I'm a schizophrenic…" he repeats.

_And I've fucked up my baby brother along the ride, too._

He's just realized that.

He's a schizophrenic and he's not supposed to have any emotions and right now, he thinks he's in love with Jeff but—is it all true? He **thinks** he's devoted to Jeff—but is he? He _thinks_ he's attached to Jeff—but what will it take for him to destroy Jeff? He has destroyed Jeff. Because of him, Jeff will never ever be the same person again.

Matt—

_I don't even deserve Jeff._

"The police are on the way." Stevie smirks, grabbing onto Matt's wrist. "It's about time, you sick fuck."

* * *

Jeff's cuddled in his cot, closing his eyes, finally accepting the fact that he's going to get treated but then, he hears the sound of the door opening.

Matt stands there, with tears falling freely from his eyes.

_I just have to do this one thing before I'm gone._

Jeff stares at him. "Matt…come here. Please, don't go away…please…"

The Doctor stares at the other brother and Matt knows that it's all true, that his brother's really bleeding and he's known ever since he steps inside the operation room and he can see the pain that's in Jeff's eyes as Matt's heart pounds.

'_You don't deserve him.'_

The voice is just so loud.

'_Just go die over a cliff. You really are a sick fuck.'_

He can't shun it out. Drown it.

'_No one will ever love you. You shouldn't hurt Jeff just because you're hurt, bitch.'_

"Jeff!"

"Matt!" Jeff brings his arms out. "Please, don't go away. Please, come…just don't go…I'm sorry…I'm being a bitch…I'm sorry…"

Matt's about to tell Jeff that he's going to go to prison, that this is their last meeting and he doesn't know how long it'll take before the police show up and he hears the doors knocking down and men standing there in their black and blue clothing and they grab onto Matt's shoulder.

"No! Jeff, I'm sorry!" he says, twisting his head towards Jeff. "I'm so sorry!"

"…Matt…?"

"Jeff! Just do the surgery! Don't hurt yourself anymore! Just-just—I love you. I love every inch of your body and—"

"Stop talking, bastard," one of the policemen inquires as they start dragging Matt off and Matt's dark eyes are stirring with pain as they probe through Jeff's equally hurt eyes, hot liquid falling out of Jeff's face as desolation burns through every fiber and molecule and nerve of his being.

"Jeff…I-I-I'm not good enough for you." He whispers, staring deep into Jeff's eyes. "I don't deserve you. I don't want you to be fucked up all because of me… I can't believe it…life's just fucked up, isn't it?"

"Matty…" Jeff reaches out for Matt but his body's shaking with tiredness, complete and utter tiredness.

Jeff stands up and runs towards him and he sees that Matt's body is shaking as Jeff grabs onto Matt's wrist and feels Matt's pulse and both of their eyes are connecting with each other as Jeff's cold breath is on Matt's hot face. "Don't go…"

"Let go of him, kid. He's a bad seed."

"Jeff, don't get mixed up in this. You're a good kid." Matt whispers, a soft crisp whisper. "Jeff, I love you…just don't do this! Go back in there. Do your surgery. Just…"

A policeman grabs onto Jeff's waist and pulls him back from Matt's body. "No! I need Matt! Leave. Me. Alone. _Matt_! Don't go! Matt! MATTY!"

He watches as Matt descends with those teary eyes.

"…I don't deserve you…"

Jeff's eyes tear up once more as he collapses and the policeman runs his hand through Jeff's back. "There, there, kid. Let's take you back to the operation room."

Jeff has no more energy drained in him.

His eyes are bubbling with tears and he's just so tired and he collapses on the floor and Jeff lets his words bubble out of mouth. "Matty…Matt…come baaaaaaaaaaack…"

* * *

**Enjoy the soon to be ending. _Two _endings actually.**

**Review??**

**X Sam.**


	55. Original Ending: Broken On the Floor

**HERE IT IS. THE END.**

* * *

55 – Original Ending: Broken On the Floor

* * *

The policeman stands in the dark void, the hospital door is the only thing that's twinkling in its white colors and the only thing visible is the soft flesh of the policeman's cheek as he moves towards the door at the Doctor steps out and his short blonde hair ignites with white color in the darkness as a smirk crosses across his face. "Yes, officer?"

"You know what I want, Caiden."

"Well," the Doctor's _Caiden_ smirk widens. "Jeff's going to do his surgery now." He pulls out a syringe from his pocket.

"I don't want you to test him. I know that he's crazy," the police officer **Darrell** responds, and stepping closer so that both of their pale white figures are close to each other. "I want you to kill him. Kill him now. That insane little psycho bitch. Fine, Caiden?"

Matt, wedged in the car, with his halfway open window, stares out, hearing every word and he struggles in his shackles, the shackles that are on his hands, binding him to his place and the more he struggles, the more fatigue he is and the more he struggles, the more the thick metal straps against his thin skin.

_Caiden_ nods his head and hugs **Darrell** one more time. "Fine. _Brother_."

* * *

Just as Darrell steps inside of the car, Matt starts speaking, and his voice filled with venom and acid, his eyes watering up with unshed tears, "you're going to kill my Jeff! I know! I heard! You can't do that!"

Darrell lets out a dark chuckle and looks back at Matt before shaking his head and cupping his cheek. "You're insane and you love your brother and you've raised your brother, didn't you? And he loves you…so there's no reason for him not to be crazy, bitch."

He feels the wetness of Matt's cheek and chuckles as more tears come running down his cheeks, as hard as ever. "No. I won't let you kill Jeff! I can't…I promised her I wouldn't let anything happen to Jeff…"

The policeman slaps Matt across the cheek so that his pale skin reddens and his head's pressed against the cold thick glass. "No…Jeff…"

"…what you gonna do, boy?"

Matt hits his head across the thick glass of the window, harder and harder, until he bleeds and as the glass starts to break, Matt swishes the metal of the shackles towards the glass, causing it all to break into pieces and he smirks as he pushes his body out of his position, causing the man to stop the car and Darrell moves away as Matt falls down from his angle, onto the floor and he tries to move even if he's as tired as hell.

"…Jeff. Jeff. Need to get to Jeff."

He was bleeding.

He felt like he was dying.

And he didn't care.

"Jeff…"

He ran towards the hospital with his scraped body and his bleeding face and he didn't care as he ran and ran and ran and when he had gotten there, to the operation room, Caiden was trying to calm down a nervous Jeff. "Jeff, don't listen to him! He's trying to kill you! He-he-"

He feels a hand on his shoulder and he looks back to see Darrell. Matt's eyes splatter with tears as he stares back at Jeff and shakes his head. "No…don't listen to him…" Matt gently whispers. His throat aching with pain.

Darrell looks up at Jeff and Caiden, the confused Jeff even paler than usual. "Don't listen to him, Jeff. He's crazy. He hears voices in his head."

'_Just one voice, dolt.'_

Matt stares down at the floor.

"Matt…" Matt notices the color of doubt pressing against Jeff's green orbs and he knows that Jeff doesn't believe him.

'_Oh shocker. Matty loses his fight.'_

* * *

Just as Matt had been pulled away, Jeff goes back to Caiden whose holding a scalpel and Jeff's eyes catch his pocket, where a full-length thick knife is hiding, wedged between two many surgical masks and as Jeff moves away, "You're trying to kill me…"

"Now, Jeff," Caiden pulls out the knife, "this will only hurt a second…"

Jeff tries to move away and he feels the tears bubbling out of his eyes as he moves away from his cot, feeling the tiredness almost make his eyelids drop and he just runs and runs and runs and he tries not to look back at the crazy doctor and he knows that he has to get to the state prison…now…

"Matty…"

* * *

On the floor, holding onto the bars, Jeff's hyperventilating and he stares at his suddenly alert Matt who weakly walks over to him, holding onto the bars, feeling Jeff's cold breaths on his face.

"I'm scared, Matty…" Jeff whimpers. "I'm gonna die…"

Matt weakly cups Jeff's cheek, feeling that soft flesh that he's loved so much just at the tip of his fingers. "Oh Jeff…"

"It's cold…"

Jeff presses his head against the bars, sobbing.

"It's so cold…"

Matt stares at the officers, Darrell's gone and now, a chubby man is standing there while Matt looks over him with begging eyes and the man gives in before opening his cell and allowing Jeff to crawl towards Matt, both of their bodies pressing against each other, dry ice. Cold fire.

"It's so cold, Matty. Make it all go away. I don't want the coldness…" Jeff sobs and Matt wraps his arms around Jeff's figure, the tiny silhouette of his brother, Matt runs his hand down Jeff's back.

"Make it all go away…"

"Jeff…"

_I love you._

"I'm sorry for being such a kid, Matty. I know that you hate me more than anything right now. I'd hate me too. I'm so stupid."

"No, Jeff-"

_I love you._

Just as Matt lifts Jeff's chin, he sees that Jeff's eyes are closed and no breath is escaping his mouth and Matt leans down to capture Jeff's mouth into a death kiss before he lets the tears fall. He stares at Jeff, cold, tired, broken on the floor…

"I love you, Jeff…"

And all that's left is

_Darkness_.

* * *

**Well, Michelle, you were right. No happy endings. XD. Obviously. I have just one more chapter to post for an alternative ending for this. It's happier but not happy joy love whatever. It's sad but still happier than this chappie. **

**X Sam.**


	56. Alternative Ending: Already Torn

**The second ending for '_Torn_'.**

**I hope you've really enjoyed this story, guys! I know I have!**

* * *

56 – Alternative Ending: Already Torn

* * *

The darkness is suffocating him.

Matt lies on the floor of his cell.

And he doesn't care about anything.

But Jeff.

His Jeff.

Scared for his brother.

Every fiber of his being tearing into shreds and he's left with nothing, lying on the floor and nothing is the only thing that can pass through his torn body.

"Jeff…"

The police officer standing by the gate opens the door.

"Come on, Matt. Let's go see your brother."

Matt whimpers. "Jeff…?"

"Yes, Jeff."

"He's far away…"

These last few hours in jail had broken Matt beyond belief.

"He's not gonna be so far away anymore, Matthew. I'll take you to him."

"Jeff…?"

Matt stands up, staring at the policeman with those broken brown eyes that have shed too many tears, too many times.

"I can hear him crying for me…"

The policeman struggles not to cry as he holds onto Matt's shoulder and walks him outside, ready to take the prisoner over to his brother for this one last time.

* * *

Jeff's on the white cot and his eyes are closed and Matt just stares at the delicate features of his brother's face.

Jeff's pale tan skin is too pale.

Jeff's eyes are still too closed.

His colorful hair is sprayed in front of his face.

Matt moves towards his distorted looking brother and cups his cheek, feeling the warmth of the skin and he leans down to capture his lips with Jeff's into a long, much needed kiss before he pulls off.

Jeff's eyes slowly open to stare at Matt.

"Matt-"

"Don't speak," Matt cuts him off, slipping into the covers and both of their bodies are pressing against each other, as Matt leans down to capture Jeff's mouth into a kiss once more and he doesn't want anymore sadness as he pulls away, both of them melting into each other's eyes as Jeff cradles into Matt's arms and even if everything's all too fucked up and broken, they still try to make it look perfect.

Jeff presses his head against Matt's shoulder. "Matty… am I going to die?"

Matt nods his head silently and this makes Jeff's tears fall but no sobs escape his mouth as Jeff cuddles into Matt's chest and tries not to think of the pain that's enduring and he tries to make his the best of these few moments. Matt watches as Jeff falls asleep, tired, too tired, and just as Matt's about to fall asleep, he hears Jeff grunt and those green eyes are looking up at Matt.

"Matt…what happens after this? Will I see you again?" Jeff whispers.

"I—"uncertainty lashes on Matt's every thought. "I don't know."

"I'm going to Hell."

Matt's eyes run with tears and he shakes his head as he brings Jeff close to him… "if you go to Hell, then I'm going with you…I don't care. As long as I'm with you. They can burn us, destroy us…I don't think there's even anything left of us…but as long as I can see those green eyes…"

_Then I don't care about anything else anymore._

And the next few hours consist of tears and sweat as both cuddle and try to melt into each other's arms and try to forget the world around them and Matt looks into Jeff's eyes one more time, just staring, as those eyes flicker with emotions of life and love and affection and Matt knows that time's passing by too fast but what would you do if today's your last day?

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Matty."

Matt leans down to capture Jeff's mouth into one of the lass kisses and just as he's about to pull off, Matt bites Jeff's lips, tearing the flesh into pieces and just as he remembers that he's been too rough with Jeff and pulls off, just as Jeff stares at him in confusion.

"…Matt? Why'd you stop-?"

Matt cuts him off, "because I don't want you to get hurt, Jeffy."

Jeff chuckles, soft and muted, just because he can't afford any louder voice and just as Jeff's about to explain, Matt realizes that his flesh is paling too quickly and his eyelids look like they're going to drop. "I-I-I-I-"

Just before Jeff can say his words, his eyelids drop fast and he just stops repeating that word.

"I'm…"

Matt's eyes are widening as he holds onto Jeff's arm. His brother's dead and he can hear every thought and every word racing in his blood because he feels it too.

**I'm…**

_Already Torn._

* * *

**THAT'S IT.**

**The end of '**_**Torn'**_**.**

**My 56-chaptered story!**

**I'll miss it like Hell.**

**I know I will.**

**Anyways, coming up next will be a six (maximum 9) chaptered story called '**_**Lollipop'**_**.**

**Here's the summary for those interested: **_**he smirked as he watched **_**his**_** boys staring at their lollipops & he knew that the moment that they'd lick the sugary treat, and he knew that they'd be his **_**forever**_**. **_

**Pairings would be _Mizena _& _Hardycest_, sweethearts!**_**  
**_

'**Til next time, darlings!**

**X Sam.**


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